Once, in a far-off country called Horonia, there was a terrible princess. Her name was Patrina, or Patty for short. Patty was terrible because she had such a quick temper and was always having people put to death. This caused great sadness for her father, King Samlin. The king often took Patty aside and explained to her how it was bad business to always be putting one’s own subjects to death, but it never did any good. As soon as something set her off (and it was more often than not something as insignifcant as the drop of a hat), Patty would have someone’s head lopped off.

Now there was in Horonia, a young man named Marco. Marco thought Patty was the most beautiful woman in the world. He would have loved her unreservedly and wholeheartely, and often came close to doing so. Every time he fell in love with her, though, there was a horrible bloodletting. Marco came from a very large family, and his relatives had fallen more than once to Patty’s tantrums.

So one day, Marco climbed the highest mountain in Horonia, to consult with the oracle who dwelt there. The wise man made Marco welcome and bade him ask any question at all, provided it wasn’t too tough.

“Master,” said the smitten young man, “Princess Patty has but one flaw, and were that flaw corrected, she would be the sweetest creature in all the world. Please, wise one, how might I soothe the rage that dwells in the princess?”

The wise man knit his brows for a second before consulting his unseen font of knowledge by inhaling great clouds of sweet-smelling vapor. When he turned his glazed vision on Marco, he provided the answer.

“There is only one thing the Princess Patty needs to calm her anger,” the seer intoned, “she needs a good f•©k. Yes, yes. A good f•©k will straighten her out all right.”

Marco was stunned. He would have asked the oracle to elaborate, but the man was lost in private visions, and nothing further could be gotten from him.

‘Well’, Marco reflected as he climbed back down the mountain, ‘I suppose it must be done. Besides, think of all the lives that will be spared.’

That night, Marco snuck into the palace and, in the guise of a cleaning woman, entered Patty’s bedroom. Before Patty knew what was happening Marco was on her, covering her with tender affection and earnest passion. When he had completed the act, Patty gasped, “Who are you?” Marco told her his name in quiet, loving tones. “Goodbye, Marco,” Patty snarled, and she screamed for her guards to come and kill Marco, which they promptly did.

Moral: Advice from a drug fiend is not usually advice, but is actually crazed foolishness.