‘twas a month before xmas
And all thru the land
Alarm bells were ringing for each retail brand

Big Data drill-down in the Yearly Report
Read “A calendar fluke cuts our shopping days short.”

Consultants consulted lastly and firstly
But their big, bright idea
Moved Black Friday to Thursday.

Retailers screamed. The stock market cried.
Economists demanded “Someone decide!”

Insisted Congress flood money out to bail
Our yearly gift spree that’s grown too big to fail.

Television hosts’ on the spot analysis
Exposed the grave inventory paralysis.

Presidential advisors hinted, “Unlock the grid.
“No re-election for you with the economy on skids.”

Mr. President stood tall on TV, addressing the nation.
Delivered grim forecast and grimmer salvation.

“What we need is everyone spends beyond reason.
“I’ll add five extra days to the Christmas gift season.

“A gift to the nation of five Christmas Leap Days
“Will let us buy stuff and keep recession at bay.

“Here’s what it takes, but you won’t like it a bit
“We’ll all miss some TV and skip second shift.”

He explained in detail a mathematical proof
Then dumbed it all down til even I knew the truth.

“Remember spring forward? Remember fall back?
“We’ll trick the calendar exactly like that.

“But not just one hour swapped back and forth,
“This time we go whole hog, for all that we’re worth.

“This time we bump up the hours a fifth.
“There’s twenty-four days ‘before Twenty-Fifth.

“Watch: we set the clock up five hours each night
“We’ll invent Christmas Leap Days and set Christmas right!

“Five hours each day is so far off the mark
“That we’ll sleep in broad daylight and wake in the dark.”

Even I can do that math in my head:
Five twenty-fours means twenty-four fives, instead.

Everyone shouted. Everyone moaned. Still, no-one dared
Pass laws to proclaim the emperor bare.

Each night when the clock hit Seven P.M., by executive order,
The Naval Observatory sprang five hours forward.

Network servers adjusted and then propagated
New time to the Internet sites that awaited.

Everyone woke up, already five hours late.
Rushed off to work and spent their paychecks, just wait.

Doctors warned, “Danger! Danger! Circadian rhythm!”
While financiers loved their new paradig - m.*

Folk rushed into the stores and bought to the walls,
They crowded Big Boxes. They all packed the malls.
And I heard him,
e’er he rode off,
he said it:

On cold cash!
On checkbook!
But, largely,
On credit.