Chapter 95

In loving memory of The Courtjester.
Another story from my Madazine Pending File.

ALL AT SEA

A recent radio shipping forecast.

We’ll skip the general synopsis with all those highs and lows and things. Nobody’s really interested anyway. I’ll start with the area forecasts.

Viking: Well, there’s quite a blow up there, but what do you expect when the wind has been virtually uninterrupted for thousands of miles?

North Utsire, South Utsire: Now here’s a thing. I’ve looked into this and learned that from 1875 to 1924, the Norwegians used to spell Utsire with ‘e’ at the end, then they changed that to an ‘a’ ending. You’d think we might have caught on by now. After all, it’s been nearly a century. Makes you sick, doesn’t it?

Forties, Cromarty, Forth, Tyne, Dogger, Fisher, German Bight: A bit windy here too, but that’s hardly surprising. I mean, these spots are exposed to whatever comes from the East, and we don’t get much that’s good from that direction, do we?

Humber, Thames, Wight, Portland, Plymouth. Still a bit breezy here and there, but rather less chilly than way up north. Not so bad if you’re well wrapped up.

Bíscay: Further south, so getting warmer. Big surprise, eh?

Trafalgar: We usually give that one a miss at this hour, so why should today be different? I always think it sounds a wee bit triumphal. You know what I mean. Nelson and all that.

Fitzroy: Pity we can’t still call it Finisterre if you ask me, but nobody ever does. However, it’ll be about the same as Biscay, if you can remember what I said on previous occasions about that, or even if you can’t.

Sole, Lundy, Fastnet, Irish Sea: It’s good that we can lump them all together, as they don’t amount to much separately. It’ll be quite nice here, but there’s no need for going into detail.

Shannon, Rockall, Malin, Hebrides, Bailey: Likely to vary from passable to pretty nasty here. Think of it getting worse as it goes upwards. You know, I always feel a bit sorry for poor old Bailey, stuck up there, some distance from land. The place must feel lonesome at times.

Fair Isle, Faeroes, South East Iceland: They are sure to be about the same as Viking, so I’m not going to go through that again.

As for the weather reports from coastal stations and the forecast for inshore waters, we don’t deal with all that hogwash until after midnight, so that means I’ve got through to the end, thank goodness. Frankly, I don’t know why we do this, when the ships have no need of it. They can paddle their own canoes, so to speak. I mean, it’s easy enough for them to find out what they want to know without listening to our broadcasts, so why do we bother? To tell you the truth, giving these reports has been a pain in the neck to me for years. My fellow announcers must speak for themselves but I’ve just about had enough, so you might not hear from me again. I can’t honestly say it’s been a pleasure. That’s your lot.

Presented with love by the partnership of
The Courtjester and Aquarius