Chapter 82: Parliamentary Exchange

Minister: What we need here is a free, frank and open debate about the whole matter.

Member: Hogwash! When the minister speaks of a free, frank and open debate, we all know that what he really means is that the government has no intention of doing anything about the problem. We require action.

Minister: We have already done a great deal. Does the honourable gentleman not realise that we are a world leader in the field of which we speak?

Member: Balderdash! Allow me to translate. The truth is that, as in so many other matters, this government has ensured that we are a world leader in talking about the issue. Virtually nothing practical has actually been done.

Minister: That is not true. We have spent almost ten million in setting up a study group comprising some of the finest minds in the country to advise us on the way ahead. That could hardly be called inactive. It gives an indication of our serious intent.

Member: Twaddle! The minister has recruited a bunch of otherwise out-of-work academics and is paying them handsomely for what it has proved to be: a master class in procrastination. As ever, the government is using this chamber as a talk shop.

Minister: Oh dear, the honourable gentleman seems to be having some difficulty with the English language. If the word ‘parliament’ does not mean talk shop, I am bound to wonder what it does mean.

Member: Well, it doesn’t mean endless temporising and prevarication, which is the government’s approach to any troublesome affair. This whole administration is characterised by indolence and indecision.

Minister: The honourable gentleman is once again in error. I have already indicated that we cannot be regarded as indolent. As for indecision, I have repeatedly made my attitude clear in the plainest possible terms.

Member: Tripe! What the minister has clarified to any but the most obtuse minds that he is sitting on the fence and has no idea how to get off it. I hope the splinters are not too uncomfortable. I am mindful of some famous words of Oliver Cromwell, which are appropriate here. I believe they were as follows: ‘You have sat too long for any good you have been doing lately. Depart, I say, and let us have done with you. In the name of God, go!’

Minister: That’s interesting coming from the honourable gentleman. His party sat even longer than we have and did far less good.

Member: Never mind what we did or did not do. The point here is what the minister is doing or rather not doing. He is simply kicking the ball into the long grass in the hope that the question will disappear and he will not have to deal with it at all.