Chapter 78: Broadcasting With A Difference

Alan: Take a seat, Tony. You’d better make yourself comfortable because you’ve some explaining to do.

Tony: I don’t know what you mean, Alan. I thought everything was going nicely.

Alan: Oh, you did, did you? Well, let me tell you what I want to know. Three weeks ago, I took a hard-earned and overdue holiday. I returned today and found a totally unsatisfactory state of affairs here. Kindly tell me how this came about.

Tony: What’s wrong?

Alan: Where do I start? Perhaps by reminding you that we are a local commercial radio station, much like many others but admittedly smaller than most. We rely on advertising to keep us going. In case you’ve overlooked the point, adverts are supposed to be legal, decent, honest and truthful.

Tony: Truthful, shmoothful. What does it matter so long as the mazuma rolls in?

Alan: Mazuma?

Tony: Right. Mazuma, cabbage, spondulicks, moolah, frogskins, the folding. You do speak English, don’t you?

Alan: Yes. It’s getting through to me that you mean money, but the important thing is how we come by it. We’re supposed to do so ethically – and if you say: ‘Ethically, shmethically,’ I’ll brain you.

Tony: This is strong stuff, Alan. Where do you reckon I’ve gone wrong?

Alan: Everywhere would be a good start. Where did you find these characters you’ve hauled in during my absence?

Tony: I didn’t. They were recommended to come here.

Alan: By whom? Crime International? The ‘Mob’? The ‘Syndicate’? Just look at the identities of these companies you’ve allowed to pollute the airwaves in our name.

Tony: What about them?

Alan: Let us first consider this firm of lawyers. I know such people are into advertising nowadays, but there are limits. For one thing, look at the name.

Tony: Is there something wrong with it?

Alan: Oiler & Wheeling did not fill me with confidence, so I did a little checking. The company was set up two weeks ago and it does not employ anyone with either of the names its title suggests. By the way, I imagine you are unaware of the fact that this firm is the UK subsidiary of an American outfit rejoicing in the name Arty & Dodge.

Tony: So what?

Alan: That’s a play on words, you oaf. It’s a barely veiled twist on the Artful Dodger, who was a character in Oliver Twist, and a most unsavoury fellow. Incidentally that company too was formed a fortnight ago and nobody named Arty or Dodge works there. But let’s put that aside and consider the wording of their presentation. I’ll read you as much of it as I can stomach. Here we go: ‘If you’ve ever been distressed by anything, you can bet that there’s money in it for you. Somebody must have been at fault and we can find out who it was and make them pay through the nose. Your best bet is to opt for our premium rate Strawclutchers’ offer. That way, you can be sure that no matter how tenuous the link between what upset you and whoever caused it, we’ll dig up the dirt and get you a wad of compensation.’ There’s more of the same but I think that will do.

Tony: You’re not happy, right?

Alan: Very perceptive of you to notice that. I was also intrigued by the deal this Goldplate Finance company is offering. You may recall the patter, but I’ll remind you anyway. The extract I have here reads: ‘Yes, you heard that right. We are actually giving you a chance to invest with us at a guaranteed annual interest rate of twelve percent. And you won’t have to wait a year to find out that our offer is genuine. No, at the expiry of each month from the day your account is set up, we post to you a payment of one percent of your investment. So if you start with a modest ten thousand pounds, you get back one hundred pounds a month until you want us to return your capital. You can’t beat that anywhere. But hurry, as this offer will close very shortly.’