Chapter 74

We have just received the following letter, suggesting a novel way of increasing our gross national product. Editor

PRODUCTIVITY

Dear Madazine,

I write in the hope that you will put before your readers my solution to the problem of relatively low productivity in the UK. I am tired of hearing alleged experts harping on this theme. Sooner or later all countries in our world will have to stop agonising about constantly increasing their gross domestic products (GDPs). There must be a limit to population growth and the demand for both goods and services, so we might as well get used to these related facts. For anyone who cannot yet do so, I offer a stopgap method of raising the level of output per person.

It has often been said that economists are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing. If that is so, they should be satisfied with my answer to their moaning about UK production. As far as they are concerned, anything that requires increased efforts and rewards must be good for the economy, so obviously that includes destructive activities which necessitate remedial work. This kind of thing happens frequently, for instance where industry causes blight, which then has to be rectified by other exertions.

Most of us could make our contributions by indulging in whatever we feel best able to do. As indicated above, whether that be positive or negative does not matter in terms of boosting the economy. I could make many suggestions, but would prefer to leave the field open to other people who are interested in my notion, as they will doubtless be as inventive as I am in this respect. However, I like to think of myself as a pioneer, so I’m prepared to make a start by giving a practical demonstration of my method, and lest anyone should think that I have any inhibitions about putting my money where my mouth is, the one I have in mind is sure to involve me in some suffering. Allow me to explain.

Having studied the traffic patterns of the borough in which I live, I have established that, as in most urban areas, our roads are very busy at certain times. In this town (I am not prepared to divulge my address at present) there is usually a steady stream of vehicles in the main street on weekdays from about eight in the morning until six in the evening. I propose to avoid that period because for my purpose, whatever is on the road needs to be moving at close to the maximum speed allowed in a built-up area.

I will now set the scene by explaining that from about six-thirty p.m. onwards, very little traffic passes along the street in question, though several buses do so, and at shortly after seven o’clock a double-decker goes past a row of shops, including one occupied by a jeweller. There is no stop nearby, so the driver is usually proceeding as fast as the law permits, and is on the same side as the shop. Parking is prohibited on that side, but not on the opposite one, where one can always find some stationary cars, including at least two or three luxury ones. This is the picture and now let me disclose my intention.

On an evening of my choosing, I shall get into one of the expensive cars (I know how to do this). As the bus approaches, I shall cross the road and swerve in front of it, timing my action so that the bus driver will be unable to avoid a collision. I am going to ensure that the blow my vehicle receives is a hard sideswipe. I shall be injured, but not severely enough to make me lose control, so I will steer the car straight into the jeweller’s shop window, smashing the metal grille that protects the items behind it. They will be scattered around the shop’s interior and the adjacent pavement, or footway as I prefer to call the pedestrians’ space.