Chapter 69: Fast Track To Immortality

The item below is a letter we received a few days ago.

For the attention of the editor of Madazine.

Dear Sir,

I write to ask if you would be so kind as to acquaint your readers with a procedure I have perfected, which can confer immortality upon anyone other than those who die suddenly – I cannot resuscitate them. People in good health or who are ailing, know roughly the extent to which their days are numbered and wish to avoid the Grim Reaper will need only to contact my organisation when I have everything in place. I will do the rest.

To put it briefly, the position is that I have found a way of moving matter, including human beings, to distant places at far beyond the speed of light. This is done by use of the space-time warps which I am told have so far eluded everyone else who has sought them. My work has enabled me to discover planets much like the Earth and eminently suitable for habitation by humankind. For the initial stage, I have selected a body orbiting a star one hundred light years from here. Anyone with even a slight knowledge of astrophysics will understand that events, including lives and imminent or expected deaths, on the Earth will not in effect occur at the spot in question for a century, so my customers will be whisked off there, thus extending their lifespans by that length of time in earthly terms.

Anybody wishing to use my services will need to make a non-refundable advance payment. I work only in Bitcoin and am putting the figure for one transfer at whatever the equivalent of £25,000 may be when I am requested to act. I specify a single operation because the process can be repeated indefinitely. For example if a user of my system has undergone an initial transfer, he or she may wish to do the same again at some later time. In due course I shall offer an unlimited number of relocations for whatever Bitcoin sum equals £200,000. Thus those taking advantage of my offer will be able to stay ahead of the man with the scythe for as long as they wish.

You will appreciate that for the moment I must be circumspect with regard to my whereabouts because I dare not leave myself open to being overwhelmed by prospective clients. However, all will be revealed in due course. In the meantime, I am happy to accept deposits of 50% of the single transfer figure given above and to facilitate this I shall soon advertise under box numbers in various newspapers providing that facility.

Yours sincerely,

Charles Attanne

P. S. Please note that although as British as they come, I am of Huguenot extraction and the names of my family members are still pronounced the French way, so in my case the ‘s’ is silent. I just like to see such little proprieties observed.

Editor’s note. Very ingenious of our correspondent to have found those mysterious distortions of space and time which have so long evaded other researchers. Everyone in our office is wondering how this wizard intends to whisk his clients away from the Earth’s gravity. Perhaps he will demonstrate the same level of ingenuity as he proposes to use in depleting their finances. I note with interest the comment about his family background. The silent ‘s’ he refers to seems to indicate that we should refer to him as Charl-attanne, for which I read Charlatan. That seems about right to me.