Chapter 6: Venturesome Vacations

Excellent results have been announced by Hairshirt Holidays Ltd., British subsidiary of US giant, General Hazards Inc. These companies are dedicated to catering for those who wish to ginger up their breaks with a significant element of risk. UK Chief Executive Wayne Bumpkin was in effervescent mood after revealing the figures. “We’ve no time for wimps,” he chortled. “Aside from the fact that we don’t accept anyone under eighteen, neither age nor gender matters, as long as our customers come up to scratch. Just contact us and we’ll try to tailor the danger to your requirements.” Hairshirt usually obliges, as happy vacationers confirmed.

Bank cashier Sharon Gourd (29) of Wembley was interviewed after paying £650 to spend a week immersed in liquid coolant siphoned from a nuclear reactor. Asked how she felt, she said: “A little blue, but basically radiant.” Stroking her newly acquired tail, she added: “An extra nose must be a plus, and talk about afterglow...” Bumpkin maintains that this is just the tip of the iceberg, in terms of spin-off from the atomic power programme, and that the leisure subsidiaries will eventually be bigger than the parent industry.

Doncaster architect Norman Thinstaff parted with £800 for ten days of virtually non-stop snorkeling in a San Diego shark tank. He was not available for comment, though his brother described him as a bit cut up, but more than satisfied.’ Mr Thinstaff was particularly pleased with the cuisine, having – before he was removed for medical treatment – remarked that he was fed like a fighting cock, albeit intravenously.

Muriel Tautbow, an 87 year-old widow from Slough, chose the High Fives holiday, costing £480. This involves leaping from a fifth-floor window onto – or not onto – an inflated, ten-foot-diameter safety cushion, which is computer controlled, changing position randomly at three-second intervals over a space of fifty by fifty feet. “It’s totally unpredictable,” beamed Bumpkin, “but we do allow the clients five minutes of guessing time before they jump, during which period spectators may wager on the outcome. After that, all bets are off. I can tell you that Mrs Tautbow was concussed, but said she didn’t mind, as that was better than migraine.”

Soon, holidaymakers will be able to undergo the Polar Bare experience, which will leave them naked at the North Pole, their clothing embedded in ice, thirty miles distant from them. The only directions they will be given for recovery of their apparel will be to proceed due south, but as they are not told which longitude to select, this is not helpful advice at the most northerly spot on the Earth. When asked to comment on an allegation that Hairshirt’s aim was a zero survival rate, Bumpkin was shocked. “That’s a wild exaggeration,” he said. “There may be casualties, but we expect that many people will come through. Frankly, the only real problem we have is constant nit-picking by insurance companies.”