Chapter 8

From:
Holliday & String
Solicitors
7, Main Street
Chinfold Major
8 March

To:
Trask, Blaimire & Co.
Solicitors
1, Haymarket
Lower Newton Godfrey

For the attention of Mr Henry Blaimire

Dear Mr Blaimire,

Thank you for your letter of 6 March. I was interested to learn that you have a chess club there and that you personally have made something of a mark for yourself in the activity which someone – was it Siegbert Tarrasch? – described as like love or music in its capacity to make men happy. I agree. No doubt you know that the pastime was also once described as lying on the borders of game, art and science. Again, I concur. Come to think of it, I believe that was another offering from Dr. Tarrasch, who was obviously far from taciturn. Anyway, your efforts in confronting the man who made a decent show against Znosko-Borovski are noted, though perhaps you should not have revealed your hand with regard to the Evans Gambit. I am forewarned. However, in order to keep matters on an equal footing, I will tell you that our county champion once remarked that he thought my Sicilian Defence was quite useful.

As for whether you could give us a worthwhile match, I have doubt. You say that your people are capable of holding their own in any but the most distinguished company. That is perhaps an unfortunate comment, in that we here like to think of ourselves as being in that high category.

Possibly we could make an evening of it, if we were to handicap ourselves by offering you, say, a pawn per board start. We might for example remove all the queen’s knight pawns on our side. In saying this, I am mindful of the incident when the great Alexander Alekhine met a man on a train and invited him to play, offering him an initial two-pawn advantage. The other fellow asked how it was that the great man felt able to make such a gesture, when he did not know his intended opponent. If you know the story, you will remember that Dr. Alekhine replied to the effect that if he could not give such odds, he would know the man. It was a neat rejoinder and I cannot help feeling that it has some resonance with our respective positions.

You appear to take the demise of Eric Blaimire with remarkable composure. I can imagine only that you are a man of extraordinary sang-froid, or that you are exceptionally unworldly. For goodness sake, sir, the man was a poet at the crease. I make no apology for being repetitive in saying that it is a tragedy that he was denied an international career. That he should also have died prematurely was perhaps for him a blessing, in saying which I think of another of those German expressions obviously so dear to you, viz: Weil du arm bist, musst du früher sterben, weil du reich bist, musst du länger leiden. You hardly need a translator, but for what it is worth, I usually render this to the uninitiated as follows: Because you are poor, you must die earlier, because you are rich, you must suffer longer. I suspect you will agree that this captures the spirit. Forgive the digression. I was about to say that for lovers of cricket – surely one of the greatest civilising influences of the last few centuries – your cousin’s death was ineffably sad. That you do not appear to appreciate this is an indication of the gulf that lies between us. You give the impression of being a man of some years and I will err on the side of generosity by suggesting that your attitude to Eric’s leaving this plane is born of mellowness, rather than hardness of heart – or arteries. Whatever the reasons, you are right in implying that we find ourselves on less than intimate terms. One can only hope for some improvement.

With regard to the Aytuzi v King matter, events will take their course.

Yours fraternally,

Lionel String
Partner

From:
Cedric King
Poplar House
Halfpenny Lane
Little Chinfold
10 March

To:
Aytuzi Finance Company
Unit 3, White Horse Yard
Newton Godfrey

Dear Brian

Yes, your itinerant thug has been here again. Brian, Bri., how could you? This is below the belt. Is it not enough that I am beset with woes? Do you really find it necessary to put this roving hoodlum on my case? By the way, I still like his car.

I am forgetting my manners. Thank you for your letter of 7 March. I am so glad to learn that you have dropped the emigration thing. Believe me, there are problems everywhere and you cannot escape them by flight. That might have worked in the 1930s, when some people were trying to avoid fascism, but it is no solution now. You must stand and fight, especially – it seems to me – against your employer, who appears to be something of a martinet.

This brings me nicely to the matter of your company’s identity. Did you think you were fooling anyone with this Aytuzi business? If so, your head honcho must be less astute than I had originally imagined. I mean, it’s so transparent, isn’t it? Merely a kind of word-play, with American connotations. I mean Aytuzi is simply a variation of A to Z, or as our cousins across the pond would say, A-two-Zee. Get it? This is too facile for words. I suppose that when he is not ‘taking out’ his US victims, your boss amuses himself by making mincemeat of their British counterparts. Does he ever invite you to revel on his yacht? No, I thought not. A sixty-footer, is it?

I should have gone to a building society, or even – a novel thought, this – a bank, but I admit I was seduced by your blandishments. Well, you may think that your spider has got its fly, but in fact what you have caught is a Tartar. You say I am not your only defaulter. Surprise, surprise! How does it work? Do you collect people like a lepidopterist gathering butterflies? I can see you pinning your specimens to a display pad. Or is it more like the wartime fighter-pilot business? Do you slap ‘kill’ stickers on your notice board? I can just see your hitman applying another swastika to the side of his car as a further enemy goes down. I note in passing that, like yourself, he is well-named for the work he does. Mr Rook fits the bill perfectly.

How are you doing with the pipe? I hope my advice is proving helpful. I could also offer you a tip or two in the matter of diet, which I think may be at the seat of your problems. Do you get enough roughage? I have every confidence in Susan’s – I am assuming she is the main cook – culinary competence, but my guess is that your savagery stems from over-consumption of meat. Do you realise what tortures animals suffer and what dementia is created in them, so that you can enjoy leaner, cheaper joints? Well, you are ingesting all that misery. No wonder you are dysfunctional. It’s horrifying.