Chapter 15

From:
Aytuzi Finance Company
Unit 3, White Horse Yard
Newton Godfrey
4 April

To:
Cedric King
Poplar House
Halfpenny Lane
Little Chinfold

Dear Cedric,

I’m not entirely sure what your game is, but you are cutting things very fine. Here we are with a court appointment tomorrow and you write as though you have all the time in the world. Perhaps you will receive this letter before nemesis catches up with you, although I have no great confidence in that. You speak of a possible postponement of the hearing. I prefer to think of it as a trial. That sounds a little sinister, doesn’t it? Cedric, can you really believe that your subterfuges will haul you from the mire? Tomorrow it is and so it will remain. You suggest that your wherewithal – for which I read range of trickery – is not exhausted. For goodness sake, straighten yourself out. We are always prepared to halt proceedings, right up to the last minute. By the way, I don’t remember telling you that we are entitled to charge the not inconsiderable costs of the action to you, by debiting your account with the sum in question. You really are behaving in the most obtuse manner.

You mention that our prosaic affairs are insignificant in the greater scheme of things. That may be true in your case, but having a family to support – apparently an unfamiliar concept to you – I cannot take such a relaxed view. Unless you can convince me otherwise, my sympathies will remain with your ex-partner. I don’t want to rub in the salt, but the poor woman must have been on tenterhooks, wondering whether you were ever going to bring home the bacon. Look, Cedric, living by one’s wits is precarious at the best of times. How could you expect a woman to entrust her future to a man whose prospects are limited to experimenting with jam jars and suchlike? Get real, can’t you? Show her a little understanding and you will be amazed by the results.

I hope you will accept that I am not trying to involve myself in your matrimonial affairs. However, had I been in your earlier position, I would have made an effort to look at matters in a different light. Not being in possession of all the facts, I find it difficult to reach a valid conclusion, but let me hazard a guess. I suspect that your wife was right in castigating you with regard to your cavalier attitude in the matter of provision of a stable home life. I don’t mean to be offensive but perhaps – just an outside chance, maybe – I have more experience in these affairs than you seem to think, assuming you dwell upon them at all. My recommendation is that if it is not too late, you make amends forthwith – and I don’t mean next week. Should the lady be uncommitted, you may still have a future together. Do consider this.

You suggest that I should try to get a grasp of the deeper meaning of life. Do you not understand that I am constantly grappling with this? The difference between us is that I attend to my domestic duties, while you clearly do not.

Once again, you are wide of the mark in inferring – by whatever abstruse means – that we are United Reformed people. In fact, we are Buddhists. You will appreciate that this belief is often defined as a non-theistic philosophy. I will not enlarge on this, as I have a due measure of respect for your intelligence. The fact is that you must look to yourself for your salvation, and you will not enhance your prospects by your current conduct.

It is kind of you to offer to keep me abreast of the state of your account with us. However, this is not necessary, as our system is up and running again. This must be a disappointment to you. How many times have we heard that this, that or the other quirk is attributable to computer failure? Wise up, Cedric. Such things are rare and usually transient. I am fully apprised of the numbers with regard to all of our borrowers and in this respect you take the biscuit. Since you moved into Poplar House, you have not paid us a penny. Despite everything, I still believe that your heart is in the right place and that you will come through for us.

Please pardon my going along a byway here, but you say you have a serious heart condition. How does this square with your earlier assertion that you are in very good health? Before I commiserate with you, kindly give me the facts. Are you really facing possible sudden doom, or merely employing yet another ruse? I don’t want to be cynical, but you owe me an explanation.