Chapter 4: Second Reply From Planet X to Emissary

Dear Dweedles

Your second message received. We will not dwell on your disparaging comments about us. They are inappropriate and probably attributable to your long period of isolation – we are not unsympathetic, you know. Everyone here appreciates that you are one of a kind, the only question being whether it is the right kind – no offence intended. Let us waltz over your prima donna stuff and get to the nitty-gritty.

We have been studying the way you chart your movements. Dweedie, there are such things as spacetime co-ordinates. Is it really necessary for you to approach an unfamiliar galaxy with such comments as ‘a bit to the left’ and ‘large blobs at two o’clock high’? Do you remember nothing of your training at our Nautical And Space Academy – NASA, in case the acronym eludes you?

Do not underestimate the trainees we mentioned. Both have graduated with honours and could locate you in a trice if necessary – a possibility that is always under review here. This isn’t rocket science, Dwee. Well, actually it is, but you know what we mean. Anyway, don’t attempt to rise above your station.

The temperature here is still rising inexorably and several lakes and rivers have dried up. Because our axial tilt is similar to that of the planet you are surveying, we are experiencing a drift towards the mountainous polar regions, where there is some relief from the heat at times.

One consequence of this migration is that property prices in the high latitudes are soaring. We note that your residence is at 65 degrees North, so if you would like us to make a killing on your behalf by selling it for you and stashing the loot in your bank account, please let us know. You see, despite your insubordinate attitude we do care about you – sort of. However, we wonder sometimes what on earth we are to do with you – or to put it another way, what we are to do with you on Earth. Just a little pun.

Kindly let us have further news, and do make an effort to be brief. You might be interested to note that the latest nickname for you here is Chatsworth. Another merry quip. Do you get it?

Passably sincere greetings from everyone at Mission Control.