Seed of Doubt - Cover

Seed of Doubt

by papatoad

Copyright© 2012 by papatoad

: An old story that is quite gloomy and has no redeeming features.

Tags: Romance   Tear Jerker   Aging  

This is a repost of a story that was written in 2005. It is a gloomy tale full of self pity and really not much fun to read. Enter at your own risk.

It all started about six years ago. It was a little thing. Very insignificant in fact, but it grew to an unbelievable size. It had taken over my life and actually brought it to an end.

My wife, Janet and I were in our early fifties. The kids were grown and on their own. The house was paid for and we were comfortable and happy. I was getting ready to take early retirement from my aerospace job and we were looking forward an easy semi retirement. Janet was still a looker as far as I was concerned. She was the only girl I had ever been with and I never imagined myself with anyone else. I never had a wondering eye and never even thought about being unfaithful. I loved her with all my heart. Yet she was the one who planted the damn demonic seed.

Several times a week it was our routine to go out and socialize. Sometimes we had meals with friends, sometimes drinks and a show, and occasionally dancing. It was on one of the dancing nights that it happened.

Both of us had been drinking just a little and within reason. Janet enjoyed the dancing more than I did and spend a lot of time on the floor with different men. It was all in good fun and I had no problem with it. I did notice that a few of the men would put their hands on Janet's butt while they were dancing and she didn't seem to mind. She never removed their hands or made any movements to avoid them. That didn't bother me, it all seemed to be in good fun and I was sure it wasn't going anywhere.

A few dances later I took her out for a slow one. As we spinning around the floor I put my hand on her backside like her other partners did. She pushed my hand away roughly. A few minutes later I put it on her butt again. She grabbed it and moved it up to her waist. I was baffled. I stopped dancing and looked at her.

"Every other guy in this place has put his hands on your butt tonight and you didn't make any of them remove them. What's going on?"

"When they touch me its exciting and enjoyable. When you touch me it's annoying."

The seed had been planted.

I stopped dancing and just looked at her for a moment. I turned and left her on the dance floor and went back to my seat. She followed me back and said nothing. It was the last time I would ever dance with her. We sat quietly the rest of the evening. We did not dance again with each other or anyone else. We had no more to drink. Finally we just got up, left and drove home.

She knew I was upset. I kept waiting for her to say something, anything. I was hoping for an apology, an explanation, or a joke. She said nothing. We went to bed with out speaking.

For the next two weeks we spoke to each other only when necessary. It was a cold, cold period of time. I didn't really do anything to upset her except react to her comment. I guess she was as disturbed by my reaction as I was by what she said. Neither one of us would mention it. I kept waiting and hoping that she would realize how much she hurt me and make some effort to ease my pain. None came.

I tried to erase it from my mind but it kept coming back. She was my soul mate, my only lover and to her, I was annoying. I felt like I had a hole in my heart and she was refusing to heal it. I did everything possible to forget it. I told myself it was nothing, just a little quip in passing that was not important. I also knew that something had to be done now or the seed would sprout and become a tree.

Time passed slowly. I knew now that nothing would be coming from her in the way of an explanation or apology. I knew that it would never be discussed. If she had regretted saying it she would have mentioned it. I could only assume that she said it because she meant it and she had no reason to want to withdraw the statement or mollify it in any way.

The seed had sprouted.

We started talking again, almost normal but not quite. The kids came over to the house and noticed something was wrong. When they made a comment about it we would ignore it or just shrug it off with a joke or flip comment. We tried to put things back the way they were put it never seemed to happen.

Sex was the worse part. Through our entire marriage sex was never a problem. We seemed to be compatible in most areas and if she had any complaints I never knew about them. She was still the most beautiful woman in the world to me, the only woman. When I finally decided it was time to try sex again she was responsive as always. That was a good sign. We kissed a little and enjoyed some foreplay. I was soon ready for action. That is until the demon seed came back to haunt me.

The words echoed in my head "When they touch me it is exciting and enjoyable. When you touch me it is annoying."

My erection had died. I was done before I started. All I could do was roll over on my side of the bed. I don't know what her reaction was. This had never happen before. In 28 years of marriage I had always been up to the task. I wanted to cry but the tears wouldn't come. I was disappointed but mad at the same time. Why the hell did she have to plant that damn seed? Why did she have to say that and mean it? All she had to do was apologize or say something to soften the sting of it. Still, nothing came from her. I was dying inside.

Weeks turned into months. I felt like I was failing her everyday. I was unresponsive as a lover. As a husband I was not very good company. I still loved her more than anything but was unable to show her how much I cared. We never went out to clubs or dances. We did go to a few dinners with friends but we were not very good company. The spark that existed between us was disappearing and soon would be gone forever. I wanted her to have more. She had many good years ahead of her and I felt she should be able to enjoy them. I couldn't provide her with what she needed or deserved. She was becoming a shell of what she used to be and I knew I had to do something soon. I was looking for nothing for myself. I did not want a new companion. I was not seeking freedom. I did not want release from my torment. All I wanted was to make things better for her. I would sacrifice whatever I had to accomplish that. The most important thing, I did not want to do anything to annoy her. I didn't touch her anymore. I cried a lot.

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