Chapter 25

The show went well, although I could see Kat giving Sydney the cold shoulder every time her teammate tried to talk to her. At some point, I’d have to talk to Kat about that and figure out what was going on there; especially if things kept progressing with Sydney in the direction I thought they were progressing. For now, since they weren’t being outwardly hostile, I would just let it be. If it got bad or if Sydney directly asked for help with Kat, I’d do something; but I just didn’t have the mental bandwidth to deal with both Kat and my parents’ bullshit. Right now, the issues with my parents had the potential of being a lot more serious than high school drama, so that’s all I was going to deal with for now.

I normally got back home well after midnight, so I texted Mrs. Phillips to ask her if I could stay there again tonight. She replied that I could, although she warned me that she’d have to text my Mom and at least let her know where I’d be. I was pretty sure Mom would figure that out on her own, but I let Mrs. Phillips know that I was okay with that. In spite of her standing up for my father, I didn’t hate my mother, and I didn’t want her to worry about me. I just couldn’t bring myself to be around her, right now. Every time I looked at her, I felt disappointed all over again. Worse, my father would be staying at the trailer again tonight, and I very much didn’t want to have to deal with that.

I don’t know why I was so surprised, when I let myself in through the back door, to find Mrs. Phillips sitting at the kitchen table, waiting for me when I walked in.

“Ohh, I didn’t mean you needed to wait up for me. I’m sorry I’m so late,” I said.

“You’re not that late. I just wanted to check in with you and see how you are doing.”

“I’m okay,” I said, trying to walk through and head to Hanna’s room, where I’d be sleeping.

“Park it, kiddo. The price for room and board is sitting down and telling me what happened. You were pretty upset yesterday, and I didn’t press it, but you being here two days in a row means something serious is going on. I only texted your mom to let her know you are here, I didn’t pry, but I need to know what’s happening. I know your father came home. Is everything okay there?”

I flopped down in the chair, and for a moment nothing came out. Ever since Dad came home, I’d been pushing my feelings deeper and deeper, trying to ignore them. Even after yesterday, when he finally showed his true colors and got physical again, I managed to push those feelings down on top of the rest. Now it was like the floodgates opened, as all the stress from the last year and a half finally let go. Mom, Dad, Brent, Marco’s bullshit, Kat’s instability, Aaron and his bullshit, Rhonda. All of it. I just put my head down in my hands and sobbed for the first time in I can’t remember how long.

I wanted to feel self-conscious, crying like a child in front of Hanna’s mom, but I’d pushed one too many things into that mound of emotions, and the cork had been loosened. Thankfully, she didn’t say anything; she just let me get it out. Eventually, I ran down until it was just sniffles.

“Sorry,” I said, wiping at my eyes.

“It’s okay. Sometimes you need to let that stuff out or it’ll eat away at you. Now, how bad are things at home?”

“Bad. You didn’t know Mom before she thought Dad was gone for good. The person you’ve known since we moved here was confident, sure of herself, and protective of our family. I may have acted like I hated it, especially when she put her foot down about my music, but I didn’t. Not really. It was such a change from the person she was before, the one who let Dad just walk all over her, no matter what the cost. I thought maybe she’d changed for good. Then Dad comes back, and she completely reverts. She signs him on as my co-manager, gives him access to my accounts, which he’s already started to abuse, and that’s not even the worst part. When she tried to get in between the two of us during an argument, he backhanded her and tried to kick her. I kicked him out before he went any further, but she’s determined to let him come back like nothing happened. I just don’t get it. He drinks away all of her money, and she won’t leave him. He beats on her, and she won’t leave him. I just don’t get it.”

“I know, I don’t think you ever will. Sometimes people are in unhealthy relationships, and they can’t break themselves out of them. I know your instinct is to try to convince her to get out, because you love your mom, but that isn’t something you’re going to be able to talk her into. It’s not that different from a drug addict, not really. She won’t leave until she decides she’s hit rock bottom. No one can do it for her.”

“Then I just have to stand by and watch as he drags her down again?”

“Yes. You can try to mitigate the harm. Protect her from him when you can, but you have to be prepared for her to respond badly to you instead of him. They say drug addiction is the hardest on the people that love the addict. I think with something like this, it can be the same, because you can only watch as the person you love hurts themselves over and over ... or, in this case, allows someone else to hurt them. There’s nothing you can do about it. All you can do is make a choice. Do you want to stay and watch it or get away from it, which might mean separating yourself from your family? Either option will be incredibly hard, since you’ll either have to sit and watch her be hurt or cut her out of your life, which I know would be pretty devastating for you. Both options will require you to take steps to protect yourself and your future.”

“Which should I do?”

“I can’t make that decision for you, Charlie. I know that sucks, but you’re old enough that you have to be the one to make that decision for yourself. If someone else makes it for you, you’ll never be able to come to terms with it. The only thing I can tell you now is that you can’t save everyone. I know your experiences with Kat have taught you differently, but this isn’t the same situation. If you try to do that here, you’re going to end up getting hurt even more, and it won’t help anyone.”

“I just don’t know what to do. I feel so helpless.”

“I know, and that’s okay. You’re in the middle of it, which makes it impossible to see the entire picture. For now, I think the best thing you can do is to take yourself out of the immediate situation and give it some time. I’ll talk to your mom and try to convince her the best thing for everyone in this situation is for you to be outside of what’s happening. If she agrees, you can stay here with us for a while.”

“Do you think she’ll agree?”

“Probably, but not for the reason you’re hoping she will. It won’t have anything to do with protecting you. She’ll probably convince herself that she’s helping your father by reducing the number of fights. At the very best, she’ll talk herself into believing this is a good way to reduce the guilt I’m sure she’s feeling about you, while not directly going against your father.”

“I see,” I said, hanging my head down.

I was crushed. I had already started to feel like there was no way to get her away from him, but I think part of me had hoped someone like Mrs. Phillips or Chef would tell me I was overreacting or that there was a way to fix this. Hearing I was right and all I could do was run away was the last thing I wanted.

“Charlie, I know this is going to be hard, but I need you to know, this isn’t your fault.”

“I know,” I said.

“No. You say it, but I know you don’t believe it, yet. It really isn’t your fault. You’re still a child. None of this is your responsibility. I know it sucks, and I know this is going to force you to grow up a lot faster than you wanted to, but that doesn’t mean you’re responsible for any of this. It isn’t ... your ... fault.”

I kept myself busy the rest of the weekend, mostly to keep my mind off of what was happening at home. Mrs. Phillips did talk to Mom, who agreed it would be best if I stayed there for a few days until ‘I figured out how to keep from causing fights with my father,’ which was infuriating to me. I know Mrs. Phillips had told me that could happen, but until I heard that, I’d continued to hope that Mom would fight for what was best for me ... and, in the end, for her. Instead, she still thought of it as how she could best protect him.

With that sentence, I realized this wasn’t going to be just the weekend. I didn’t know what it would take, or how long it would take for her to decide to break out of the cycle she’d put herself in, but I knew it would take a long time.

Since Kat was already staying in their guest room, Mrs. Phillips moved most of Hanna’s stuff out of her room so I could use it. I felt really bad about taking Hanna’s room from her, and almost refused, until Mrs. Phillips called Hanna and told her on speaker what was happening.

“No problem,” she said when her mom finished explaining everything, including the loss of her room. “My last class ends at one on Friday. It’ll be late when I get back, but I’ll leave as soon as class is out.”

“You don’t have to do that,” I said. “I can stay on the couch?”

“Maybe you can find a way to live with my foot up your ass,” she said, and not in a joking way. “We still have that old bed in the garage, I think, from when I got the new one last year. We can move it into the room Kat’s in and we’ll share when I’m at home.”

“Ohh, fun!” Kat, who had been listening in said. “We’ll be roommates!”

“See, problem solved.”

“Hanna, I don’t want to mess up things here. I didn’t mean to push you out of your room.”

“Didn’t you just hear that the problem was solved? Nothing is messed up. Kat, if he says that again, bop him on the nose with a rolled-up magazine.”

“You got it,” Kat said, smiling at me.

“Good. I have a study group in a few minutes, but I’ll be there Friday night. Okay?”

“Sure,” I said. “Thanks, Hanna.”

“It’s okay. Just take care of yourself, okay?”

“Sure.”

We spent the rest of Sunday moving stuff around and getting the spare bed set up for Hanna. I still felt bad that she was having to give up her room for me, especially since I hoped Mom would eventually come to her senses and the move wouldn’t be permanent.

Of course, not everything had to do with me. Other people in my life had stuff going on, which I was reminded of late Monday afternoon when I got home from band practice. Between Kat’s swimming practice, which had started picking up now that the school was in session, her therapy, my training with Chef, and band practice; I didn’t normally see her until well after school, when we both were done with all of our activities. Normally, she was in her room or at the dining room table doing homework when I got home, and I’d join her there.

Instead, I found her on the couch with Mrs. Phillips, looking distraught. They both stopped talking when I walked in, so I figured this was something private.

“Sorry,” I said, turning to head upstairs to Hanna’s room.

“No, stay,” Kat said, almost a little too eagerly.

“Kat, I think that Charlie has enough going on without...”

“No,” I said, interrupting her. “I don’t mind. Is everything okay?”

“Kat’s having a little crisis of confidence, and we’re trying to work through it,” Mrs. Phillips said when Kat didn’t answer right away. “Last week she told her coach that she was thinking of going to UNC, and that she wanted to set up an interview for their swim program. I didn’t know this, but last year she was scouted pretty heavily by teams from all around the country. I guess getting on the junior national team was enough to get her on some people’s lists.”

“I knew scouts had been out to see her, but I haven’t heard anything since. Are they making offers?”

When Kat only nodded, Mrs. Phillips added, “Apparently so. She has a stack of them, but Kat has been pretty insistent she wants to go to UNC. They have a decent swim program, but it’s not one of the top-rated ones, as far as competitiveness goes. She apparently stood up to her coach and demanded they set up an interview, but now that her interview is coming up, she’s doubting herself.”

I wasn’t surprised she’d picked UNC, even if it meant not going to a school with a better swim program. I’d still have a year of high school left after she graduated, and she was still scared of going somewhere on her own. She might be recovering and she didn’t need to look to others to make all of her decisions, but I thought she’d always need a pretty big safety net. She’d always be pretty susceptible to peer pressure, and people like Aaron who fed on that would be able to smell it on her a mile away.

She knew all of that, which meant she really only had one college to choose from, and that was wherever Hanna was. Once I graduated, if I ended up somewhere else, maybe she’d have the option of switching to wherever I went, but I couldn’t imagine she’d ever go to a school where one of us didn’t go. At least not without being able to build up a safety net there before she went, which was a pretty big ask.