Chapter 13: Recovery

While scrubbing the pan in which she had burned the brownies, June heard the front door slam. Hearing the booming echo all of the way to the kitchen, she figured that Jack was still angry. She couldn’t blame him if he was. Turning to Lisa, she said, “Jack’s home. Stay here and let me talk to him first.”

“Why?”

“I have to tell him that I’m sorry,” June said wiping her hands on a towel. She was prepared to do anything to get his forgiveness, even grovel at his feet if necessary.

“Okay,” Lisa said somewhat thankful for the reprieve. She was worried that after having just learned that her father loved her that she had already lost his love. It was her hope that waiting a little longer to talk to him would allow her to come up with better words to say to him.

June stepped out of the kitchen and into the living room. Much to her surprise, Jack was nowhere to be seen. She went to the door and looked out. His car was there which meant that he had returned. Fearing that he was in the bedroom packing a suitcase, she locked the door and stood in front of it thinking that he would have to get through her before he could leave.

The sound of the toilet flushing echoed through the house. It was so unexpected that she almost laughed. The seriousness of the situation was sufficient to squelch all humor. She licked her lips and waited for him to appear in the living room. She didn’t have to wait long. One quick glance in his direction let her see that he looked horrible.

“I’m sorry,” she said in a quiet voice unable to look him in the eye.

“Which insult are you apologizing for?” he asked. He knew the question might have been seen by her as unfair or even harsh. The fact was that he didn’t know what she was apologizing for having done. In his mind, she was guilty of many things. The pain inside of him needed to know and that allowed him to ask.

Staring at a patch of floor a few feet in front of where she stood, she answered, “I’m sorry for believing that you didn’t love Lisa. I’m sorry that I didn’t trust you to tell you of my fears. I’m sorry that I helped turn Lisa against you. I’m sorry for how I’ve treated you. I’m sorry for the horrible life that you’ve had to live here. That doesn’t even scratch the surface of all the things for which I am sorry. Most of all, I’m ashamed that I didn’t love you as much as you loved me.”

Jack had to admit that was a pretty good list of things to apologize for having done. He asked, “Why do you say that you didn’t love me as much as I loved you?”

“Because if I had, none of this would have happened,” June answered giving voice to the belief that made her feel the guiltiest. For the first time in the conversation, she looked up at him. She said, “I would understand if you don’t love me anymore.”

Unused to dealing with his feelings, Jack stood in the middle of the living room in silence. As the seconds passed, he tried to figure out what he felt. The pain that he felt should have killed his love. He knew that, but there were still feelings for her that weren’t diminished by the pain or anger.

For both of them, it felt like hours had passed before he said, “I still love you. I don’t know why, but I do.”

Unable to trust herself to say more, she said, “Thank you.”

“I need to understand why you thought that of me.”

The answer lay in the beginning. She said, “The first time you held Lisa in your hands, you had this look of absolute terror on your face as if she was some sort of monster that was going to eat you. I’ll never forget the look of relief when I took her out of your hands. That same look of terror came over you every time you held her.”

Stunned, Jack didn’t know what to say. He backed over to his chair and sat down. Unable to look at his wife, he said, “I remember the day she was born. The nurse put Lisa in my hands and I looked down upon that fragile little being. She was so small. She had perfect little hands complete with little fingernails. I couldn’t believe it. I looked at her thinking that this is my daughter.

“I had never held a baby before. I kept thinking that I was holding an incredibly fragile and precious treasure. I was afraid to move. I was afraid that she would wiggle and fall from my clumsy hands. I felt big, clumsy, and ugly compared to that perfect little being. You’re right, I was terrified. I was terrified of dropping her or breaking her somehow.

“When you took her from me, she looked so right in your arms. You moved and touched her just right. I could see that Lisa was more relaxed. I remember thinking that with you holding her in your arms that she was safer than in mine. I could protect her, by protecting you.

“After I left the hospital, I went to work. On the way, I bought cigars and handed them out to everyone. I was so proud of you and her that day. I think I bragged more that day than I had ever bragged in all my life. I don’t think I did a minute of work that day.”

Ready to collapse, June edged across the room and sat down staring at Jack. She’d had no idea that he had felt that way. All she had seen was the terror and not the reasons behind it.

He continued, “I remember when she said her first word. It was ‘mama’ and not ‘dada.’ I knew that the first word was always ‘mama,’ but I had hoped that it would be ‘dada.’ I was still proud of her. Maybe I didn’t show it, but I was.

“I remember the day when she took her first steps. It was the day that I realized that she was becoming a real person with her own personality and style. I watched her, imagining she was running around with ribbons in her hair chasing butterflies in the yard. Sure, she was stumbling around and falling down like babies do when they are learning to walk, but I saw the future little girl in her movements.

“I guess she was about eight when I was watching her play outside and it was just like I had imagined. There she was in the back yard with ribbons in her hair chasing a butterfly. It choked me up. She was so happy and carefree.

“I thought that with you taking care of her and me taking care of you, she could do and be anything she wanted. I would make sure that she got everything she needed. You would teach her to be a better person than me. You see, I wanted to be the perfect father and that’s what fathers do. They provide for their family. They keep the wolves at bay.

“Every year that she got older, I kept thinking that she was growing into an even more special person. I could see that when she went to school. She’s a smart kid. She takes after you that way. I was never that good of a student. She can be anything she wants to be, a lawyer, a doctor, or even President of the United States.

“I have always been amazed that I have been part of her life. Providing for you and her is the best thing that I’ve ever accomplished.”

Jack fell silent and stared at the floor. It was the most he had ever said about his feelings towards his family. Having said his peace, he didn’t know what else to say or do so he sat there. There was a blur as Lisa ran from the kitchen and flew into her father’s lap. She wrapped her arms around him and hugged him even as she cried. He held her tightly, afraid to let go.

It took hours for the emotional temperature of the room to finally lower to a point where they were able to discuss more mundane aspects of living. The smell of burnt brownies still hung in the air. Throughout the afternoon, Jack had noticed the odor off and on. He asked, “Was there a fire?”

“I burned some brownies,” June answered.

“Oh. Are you all right?”

June smiled and answered, “I’m better than I’ve been in a long, long time.”

“I’ll help you fix dinner, Mom.”

Thinking about the day that all of them had experienced, Jack said, “I don’t think you feel like cooking. I don’t feel like eating out. Let’s order a pizza. I’ll go get it and we can eat here. What do you think?”

June’s first reaction was a desire to say that she would go ahead and fix sandwiches or something for them. She caught herself and said, “That sounds lovely.”

“Everything but fish?”

“That sounds good.”

June watched him put on a pair of shoes and head out to get a pizza. He could have called in his order and had it delivered, but she felt it was important to him to be doing something. Once he was gone, she turned to Lisa and said, “There are going to be a lot of changes in this house.”

“Like over at Harry’s house?”

“Jack deserves a lot more of our attention from now on. I don’t know what he might want, but I’m going to make sure that he gets it,” June said. She sighed and said, “He’s been a second class citizen in this house for far too long.”

Looking over at her mother, Lisa asked, “Does that mean you’ll be spending a little more time with him and less time with me?”

“I’m afraid so,” June answered.

“Good, that will give me more time with Harry,” Lisa said with a smile.

Having seen the two of them together, June said, “I take it you are thinking about birth control pills.”

“Yes.”

“I’ll make an appointment with the doctor. His mother and I are too young to become grandmothers,” June said. Putting a hand on her daughter’s arm, she added, “Just don’t rush into it. You have your whole life ahead of you.”

“Are you worried that he’ll take advantage of me?”

“I think that you are particularly vulnerable to the attentions of males because of the past relationship between you and your father. It would be my hope that you slow down a little with Harry until after you come to grips with what has happened today,” June said. In a way, she was relieved that Lisa had not turned into the school slut by seeking male approval there that she couldn’t get at home.

“You might be right,” Lisa answered.

“You know, I’m glad that your father decided to get a pizza. I’m too exhausted to do anything right now. I didn’t sleep very well last night and this afternoon has been particularly draining.”

“I didn’t sleep well either,” Lisa admitted. She wasn’t going to mention the lust filled thoughts that had been going through her mind.

“I can imagine,” June said thinking that her daughter had laid awake through the night thinking about her father. She sighed and said, “You know, your father is always going on about having a Sunday dinner. Maybe tomorrow after church I could cook up a nice big meal. We could stay dressed up in our church clothes and make it a special occasion.”

“Daddy would like that.”

“He would, wouldn’t he?’ June said with a little smile thinking that it wasn’t so hard to put him first on occasion.

Jack sat at the pizza place waiting for them to finish cooking his pizza. The events of the day had been rough and he was tired. He thought about the advice the bartender had given him and his discussions with Greg. The bartender had been right that women needed to hear the words. He’d have to remind himself of that on occasion. He’d also mention it to Greg the next time he saw him.