Chapter 25

My anger over the baseball game had turned into self-pity by the time I got to the Blue Ridge to eat a quick lunch and start training. I could recognize that it was happening; but between Kat’s being pulled from school and my getting, at least temporarily, benched had thrown me. I knew it wasn’t helpful, but I couldn’t stop feeling sorry for myself, finding multiple ways where both things were ultimately my fault.

I should have gotten away and avoided Harry all together, because I knew what he was trying to do. I should have reported him to the coaches first. I should have gone to Chef about Kat the moment I found out the truth. I should have talked to someone at school like Mr. French or Vice-Principal Keller about her. I should have tried harder to get them to listen to me about Coach Bryant.

I knew it was all bullshit and there were reasons I didn’t do each of those things, and that second-guessing myself didn’t do any good, but I couldn’t stop myself. The self-pity train continued on into training.

After warm-ups, I stopped and asked Chef, “Are you sure I should be doing this tournament thing?”

“What do you mean?”

“While I love training with you and learning all this, and it has kept me from getting the crap beaten out of me several times, this isn’t what I want to do. I know there are refs and rules and everything, but I’m not sure the risk of getting hurt is worth the reward, you know. Especially since I’m not sure I have a chance to win.”

“Why do you think that?” Chef asked, crossing his arms.

“Look what happened when Victor was here. He absolutely wiped the floor with me. And I’ve only been training six months, while these guys have been training for years. And if any of them are even half as huge as Jason and Todd, I’m going to get snapped like a twig.”

I paused when he hadn’t said anything, or moved, or really made any expression of any kind.

“Are you done?”

“I guess. I’m just not so sure this is a good idea.”

“Do you think artists who’ve gotten to the top of their field did so by only focusing on their art?”

“Maybe,” I said, although I knew I was walking into a trap.

“No, because if they did, the only thing they’d be able to sing, or paint, or write about would be singing or painting or writing. Art is colored by your life experiences. I’m not Willie or any of your other music people, but I listen to you play every weekend. Your songs are about what? Your friends. Your romances. Your father. Your struggles with bullies. Those all sound like experiences. Just because this isn’t what you want to do doesn’t mean it won’t help you. But that’s all beside the point. Do you know why I started teaching you?”

“So I didn’t get beat up so badly?”

“No. That’s a good side effect, but no. I see something in you. You have passion and drive that are simply amazing, and an impressive capacity for compassion, but you’ve kept it all under wraps your entire life. And look how far you’ve come. Look at how you’ve improved in school, and yes, I know about that. Look at how your music has taken off. In just this short time, you’ve gone from being this scared kid, trying to just make it through by keeping his head down, into someone to be reckoned with. How do you think that happened?”

“That was just luck. Sure, I was okay on the guitar and impressed Willie, but if I didn’t know you, I wouldn’t have gotten a chance to play and show him what I could do. This only happened because you were helping me.”

“Did it? Or did I help you find a way to do it for yourself? You had all of it inside of you, you just needed a little push. What are the tenets of Kung fu?”

“Chef, I don’t...”

“No. Tell me one of the tenets.”

“Perseverance,” I said, naming off the one he talked most about.

“Do you think learning perseverance has helped you? When you were struggling in school, did you just give up and say I can’t do it, like so many kids do, or did you do the hard work and manage to fix your problem.”

“That’s not the same thing. I had help. Without Kat tutoring me, I would never have caught up.”

“Perseverance is about working for what you want no matter how hard it is. Did she do the work for you? Did she take your tests and study for you? No, you did that. Does that say anything about working alone? Of course not. What does community mean in the tenets?”

“That we should care for and be a positive influence for others.”

“Correct. Does that influence go just one way? Just with everything in life, it is a balance. You give to your community and it, in turn, gives to you. Were you just given this help because you deserved it, or did you try and reach out and help them, creating a balance? If you give freely, you will end up getting more than you give. What is another one?”

“Motivation.”

“Yes. This is an important one and the one we say first. Why is that?”

“I don’t know,” I said, obstinately.

“You do. Although if you’ve forgotten, fifty frog jumps should help jog your memory.”

“Because to succeed you have to have a desire to succeed.”

“Right. Do you feel you were motivated to succeed when you first came to town or were you just keeping your head down? Do you feel you’re motivated now? Look at your schedule. You have practices, training, or tutoring nearly every single day. Does someone who isn’t motivated do that?”

“No.”

“What about confidence? Well, that’s the one you’re struggling with now, isn’t it? The first step to failure is to think that you’re going to fail and the first step to success is believing you can succeed. Why do you think you’re going to fail?”

“I don’t know. It just seems so ... much.”

“Of course it does. If you aren’t challenging yourself, then you’ll never really know what you’re capable of doing. Do you know what real confidence is? It’s failing and knowing that one failure doesn’t define you. It’s learning from that failure, picking yourself back up, and trying again with that new lesson fresh in your head. Can you win the tournament? Yes, or I wouldn’t have suggested it. Will you win? Who knows, but if you go in there and try your best, you’ll learn something from this. And not just something you can take with you to future tournaments, but things that can help you across the rest of your life. You’re going to get knocked down a bunch of times in your life. That’s a given. What matters is how you handle that.”

I took a deep breath. I still wasn’t sure I was up to the tournament, but he was right. Despite a few setbacks, things had been going really well. Just sitting and feeling sorry for myself wasn’t going to change what happened in the tournament and it really wasn’t going to help Kat. I still didn’t know what I was going to do, but if I was too worried about doing the wrong thing, I’d end up doing nothing, which was even worse.

“Okay, you’re right,” I finally said. “I guess I just needed a kick in the ass.”

“Well, let’s just make sure the lesson sticks. Start running until your confidence comes back.”

When I got home that night, I was completely wiped. It had been go-go-go all day, and I barely made it into the trailer before I passed out on the couch. Around midnight Mom came home from work and shooed me off to bed, but at least I got a good night’s sleep, since I was too tired to actually have bad dreams.

By Sunday afternoon I’d made up my mind and called Hanna.

“It’s been a week,” I said when she answered. “I’m done waiting. I’m going to talk to Chef.”

“Come on, Charlie, we’ve talked about this. I really think we should wait longer, and give her time. After catching her out when she was supposed to be at home, her dad’s bound to be a little hyper-vigilant, so it’s probably been tough for her to get away and contact us. She’s made it really clear she doesn’t want us doing anything without her okay, and you know it’s important because of how hard being that firm in her opinion is for her.”

“I know, but there’s been lots of time. He might have been watching her for a few days, but it’s been seven.”

“Yeah, but it was all in one week. Maybe he just worked from home or took the week off last week, so he was around all the time. I mean, he did just get back from traveling. If so, he’s bound to have to go to the office tomorrow. Let’s give her one more day.”

“Come on, Hanna. You’re just guessing. You have no idea what’s been happening, and it’s not like he has a boss telling him he has to be there all the time. He’s the owner for Christ’s sake. He could take the month off. We don’t know. And him there with her all the time, instead of being preoccupied with work, gives him a lot more chances to do something.”

“Your mom works there. Can’t she tell us if he’s there?”

“She’s a pool secretary and a really low-level one. She doesn’t know his schedule, besides, she’d want to know why. If we go that route, why can’t I just tell her.”

“You’re right. I know you’re right. I’m just trying to give her every chance before we go to someone. Once we do, we can’t un-ring that bell, you know. I’d hate to have you talk to someone and the very next day she calls us and tells us everything’s fine and she’s just on lockdown.”

“I get it. I really do, but you didn’t see her dad. He was pissed. Besides, she might not even be in the state anymore. I mean, she got pulled out of school. Who knows where she’s going to end up? Even if he isn’t abusing her, she lost her only support structure. If she ends up at another school, it won’t take long for the first bad elements to find her. And the longer we wait, the harder it will be to explain to whoever we told why we waited.”