Chapter 3

Excerpts fromCol’s
Diary

Saturday 15th September 1962

This morning I met with Mutti for the first time in days and days. It was so good to hug and be hugged. I wrote this much later, but the big news is we are leaving here tomorrow for a ‘safe house’.

We’ve been accepted into England.

They brought Mutti to my room and left us together. The first thing Mutti did when we pulled back from the fierce shared hug was to scratch her ear, while giving me a hard look.

They were probably listening to us ... I gave her an infinitesimal nod.

“Are you alright, Liebling?” She held me at arm’s length, her eyes sweeping over me.

“I’m okay – bored as they wouldn’t give me any books, but okay.”

Mutti looked round the sparsely furnished room as she led me to the bed and sat beside me. “Well, they did give you some newspapers.”

I made a sour face and she returned it. “Don’t be so picky.”

Then she smiled. “We’re leaving here tomorrow – they’re satisfied we are defectors. I don’t know where we’re going yet, but it’s called a safe house. It’s one they have vetted and know all about.”

She let that news sink in for a minute, watching me.

“We’ll be together ... not being kept apart?” I could hear the uncertainty and need in my voice.

Mutti gathered up my hands in hers. “Yes, Liebling. We’ll be together.” She looked towards the door. “At first, there’ll be one of them with us all the time.” She gave my hands an encouraging squeeze. “Just to make sure we are safe.”

To keep an eye on us, more likely. “How long will that go on?”

Mutti shrugged. “I don’t know.”

I looked down. There was so much I wanted to ask Mutti, my interrogation by Jennifer had raised so many questions about her and Vati – but I couldn’t ask here where they were listening. I couldn’t risk messing things up now we were almost free.

Mutti’s thumb stroked across the back of my hand. “What is it, Liebling?”

I looked up, giving my head the tiniest of shakes and Mutti’s lips pursed slightly. “What will happen to us in England?”

Mutti sighed. “I don’t really know. They’ll support us financially, at least at first, but I’ll need to find work of some kind.” She gave me an encouraging smile. “And you’ll need to learn English quickly so you can go to school.” She looked back towards the door. “Perhaps I should not have listened to your father who told me not to teach you English...”

I pulled my hands from hers. “But knowing English would have been dangerous, wouldn’t it?”

Mutti reached for my hand again, patting it. “Possibly ... probably...”

I could see she was about to add something but stopped herself and looked around my room.

“Please gather up your clothes today and fold them neatly. We’ll need to pack everything for tomorrow.”

“Yes, Mutti.” I was feeling beaten down by all the changes that were happening and my flat voice reflected that.

Mutti gathered me into her arms, pulling my face to her neck, stroking my hair. “I’m so sorry to have done this to you, Liebling.” I could hear the concern for me, but beneath that I suspected her determination to leave my father was as uncompromising as steel.

I hugged her back. “Why did we have to leave, Mutti?” My voice was tiny, querulous.

She pulled back and then squeezed her eyes shut for a few seconds.

“Mutti?”

Her eyes opened and I saw the hurt and anger there as she tried to sort out what to tell me.

“I found out that your father had ... lied to me about ... about who he was ... and I couldn’t stay with him.” Her mouth closed and she almost shuddered with disgust. “When you’re older, I’ll tell you everything, but for now it’s best you don’t know.”

I sighed. ‘When you’re older’ was a refrain much used by Vati to avoid explaining things. “I’m not a child, Mutti.” I could hear the sulk in my voice.

She reached up and stroked my hair again. “No, Liebling. I know you’re not.”

There was a long pause, so I leaned back to find her eyes, which engaged mine after a few seconds.

Mutti let out a long breath. “I have to be ready to share this with you – and that’s not yet.” She tucked a longer strand of hair behind my ear and changed the subject. “How much do you know about England?”

For a moment I held her eyes but she wasn’t going to change her mind – at least, not yet. “Nothing, really.” I shrugged a single shoulder, dropping my eyes.

“I suppose not.” Mutti looked away for a moment and then lifted my chin with a delicate finger, searching my face. “Well, the first thing you need to know is that there’s a great deal of bad feeling towards Germans as a result of the war.” A wry smile curled one side of her mouth. “They will be very polite about it, at least most of the time, because they are English. But underneath, there are still bad feelings.”

I nodded, wondering if that was true for children born after the war as well.

“But it’s now more complicated because of the two Germanies.”

“What do you mean?”

“West Germany is now an ally of the English – but East Germany, our country, is part of the Soviet Bloc – England’s enemy in what is called here ‘the Cold War’. So now the English feel that they have to be sort of friends with half of Germany – despite those lingering bad feelings.”

“It sounds very confusing.”

Mutti smiled. “For the older people, the ones who went through the war and lost relatives and friends, it’s very difficult.” She frowned slightly. “I expect that the people here will give us a cover story of some kind ... but we will have to be very careful.”

Mutti lifted my chin. “I know you’ve been a very solitary child – and why that was the case, but I’m afraid you will need to stay solitary for a while.”

Her eyes searched mine and I felt her love wash over me ... and the door opened and Jennifer came in. “Please come with me, Frau Schmidt. There are things to be organised.”

Mutti pulled herself out of the hug. “Get yourself ready to leave, Col.”

“Yes, Mutti.”

After they left, it took me only about five minutes to fold and stack my clothes and things on the table. I didn’t have much because we could only bring very little with us when we escaped.