Chapter 25

It was strange, getting up in the morning, using my new bathroom, making breakfast and not having to worry about Grandma giving me grief for using her kitchen without permission. I think Dad felt it, too. We spent a quiet time eating, then having a devotional from the Daily Bread booklet before getting ready for church. In some ways it was evocative of our times on the road earlier this year. In others it represented a new start. I felt both enjoyment and sadness as the morning ritual returned to me and Dad.

He was the first to voice it. “It just doesn’t seem right without your grandmother coming in and scolding you for cooking breakfast in her kitchen without her.”

I considered his statement. “She never did stop, did she? Even though she would sit down and eat with us and thoroughly enjoy the meal.”

“That’s my mom.” We sat in silence for a while. “Tim, I never did tell you how glad I was that we made the trip to Georgia, and you got to know your grandparents. Your mother was right, like usual. I should have done this years ago. All that time ... wasted.”

I had a different view on it. “No, Dad, not wasted. I wouldn’t trade a minute we had with Mom for what we have now. I think that Mom’s passing was simply the preparation for you and me to get back to living life. Think of it ... who would have thought that we’d be here, with new friends, relatives we could get to know again?” Left unsaid was the Goddard influence on both our lives.

“I guess so,” Dad opined after a while.

It was a quiet McKenzie household as we got ready for church.

“So what are your plans for lunch, Tim?” Grandma asked me as the service ended and we found ourselves in the church foyer.

“No plans yet, Grandma. Why, did you make pot roast?” My mouth watered as I thought about her cooking.

“No.” She left me disappointed for a moment, as much to revel in my downcast expression as to heighten the reveal. “I made a brisket today. I already invited the girls,” no need to tell me who they were, “and if you and your dad don’t have other plans, we’ll see all of you at noon at our house.”

Pavlov had better have a St. Bernard, since between Grandma’s potato salad and the rest of her cooking I was going to need rescuing before I drowned in a pool of my own saliva. She hadn’t made brisket while I had been here, but I was willing to bet that it would be as good as all the rest of her meals.

“I’m in, Grandma. And if Evie said she’ll be there, Dad’s probably in as well.”

I looked around for him. I saw Evie, and I saw Paige, but no Dad. Excusing myself from Grandma, I went and had a word with the two other women in my life, checking to see if they had seen him. Neither of them had since church got out, but they helped me look around. When we were the last ones still hanging out, other than one of the Trustees who looked like he wanted us gone so he could lock up and get his own Sunday dinner, I gave up.

“I’ll see you at Grandma and Grandpa’s,” I told the Goddards, escorting them to their car before walking out to the Tahoe that was standing lonely in the parking lot. When I got to it, I could tell that the person we had been searching for was occupying it. He didn’t look all that good.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as I climbed in.

He didn’t answer for a moment. When he did it was clear he was emotional. “It’s just that when they lit that advent candle it suddenly hit me that this would be the first Christmas without Jennifer, without your mom. I don’t know why it hit me so hard, or why Christmas makes it tougher, but I had to get out of there.”

I knew. I knew why it hit him. This time last year, we were making arrangements for Mom’s funeral service. She said she wanted a hand in it so we didn’t screw it up, but it was also her way of saying goodbye. With that in mind, she had made us attend church, even though we had to wheel her in using a chair. Suddenly it hit me too. In a wavery voice I told Dad, “She wanted us to go on. Let’s think about that. She wanted us to be reconciled to Grandma and Grandpa and to each other. We did, we have, we are. Mom always loved Christmas, and we should celebrate this gift she gave to us by enjoying the legacy she left.”

Dad nodded mutely, finally starting the vehicle and putting it into drive. It occurred to me that he might not have the full picture of her legacy; I placed a hand on his arm, restraining him as if I could stop the vehicle from moving. It worked as we didn’t make it out of the parking lot.

“How much did Evie tell you, Dad?”

I caught the fatherly glance of disapproval. “That’s not something I’m going to discuss with you.”

“That’s not what I mean. How much did Evie tell you about Mom’s trips out here last year to see Grandma and Grandpa?”

“She didn’t mention them. Why do you ask?”

I guess her silence was both good and bad, but I hoped I could use the truth as a way to get Dad to see beyond Mom’s loss. He turned off the Tahoe, waiting for me to answer. “Mom didn’t only meet with your parents; she met with Evie too. She...” Wow, this was hard, and the tears began to fall. “She didn’t want you to continue to mourn her, she wanted you to move forward, to love and be loved again.”

His eyes sharpened on me, “Evie told you that?”

I nodded, but I had to continue. “Ever since she told me, I’ve been thinking on what that must have meant for Mom. I’ve also been thinking about the things you said to me this summer, and the things I’ve seen since we’ve been here. I think Mom knew that if you reconciled with your parents, you’d move back here. I also think she was trying to pave the way for you.

“Dad, I saw different sides of you this summer that I had never known. I’ve always seen you as my father, but this summer I saw you as boss, as diplomat, as friend, and even as a buddy that could pal around with me. When we got here, you changed again, and I saw the son to parents from whom you had been estranged for twenty-five years. I think that Mom was trying to set the stage for the man, the father, to come back to his childhood home, and to move forward in a newly defined role with those he loves. I think that after a few false starts, you managed to build a new relationship with Grandma and Grandpa. They respect the ‘you’ that they’ve gotten to know since summer – the man who had half a lifetime of experiences without them.

“But when it comes to Evie, you seem to fall back into what I think are old patterns. The two of you treat each other like I suspect you did in high school. That’s what has to change, Dad. That’s, I think, what Mom knew when she came out to talk to Mrs. Goddard. You’re going to have to remember that long-ago time with Evie, but not let it influence the way you treat each other in the future. That’s what Mom’s legacy can be, and we can all celebrate it together.”

Dad lost it. I reached into the center console for the pack of tissues that Mom always kept there, and that reminder made me lose it, too. We shared the Kleenex back and forth until we had finally cried ourselves out.

“How did you get to be so smart?” he asked.

“You’re right, Evie and I fell back into many of the same patterns from long ago. I didn’t realize it until you pointed it out, but the way I’ve been acting with her isn’t how I related to your mother. It’s time to change that.” He once again started the vehicle. “What say you and I go get lunch somewhere and we can talk some more about your mother’s legacy?”

Oh, crap. Lunch. We were already a half-hour late for lunch at Grandma’s and no one had texted or called to tell her. On the other hand, there were no calls or texts to us either, so maybe she understood.

“Dad, can we do that some other time? Grandma invited us over to her place for lunch – she said she made a brisket. Oh, and the Goddards are there, too.”

“Oh, boy, we’re late then.” A thought occurred to him, “She hasn’t texted you?”

I looked at my phone. “Nope, nothing. Do you want me to call her and smooth things over?”

There was a look of resolve on Dad’s face. “No, you were right about a lot of things today. It’s time I man up and call her myself. I’m not the eighteen year-old who left home anymore.” He connected his cell with the system in the Tahoe, and waited while Grandma’s phone rang.

“Mom? Tim and I had some things to work out, and I’m sorry we’re late. Is there still a possibility of getting some of that brisket?”

Her voice came back through the speakers, “That’s okay, Honey, we haven’t started yet. How much longer do the two of you think you’ll be?”

Dad surprised me. “Half an hour, maybe a little more. We have some errands to run before we can get there. Hold dinner for us?”

“Of course, Dear.”

“Thanks, Mom. I love you.”

Dad’s errands consisted of finding a place open on Sunday that sold flowers. We had to settle on the Kroger grocery store, and the pre-packaged bouquets. He told me to select a big one for his mom, while he found a smaller one for his first love. I wasn’t stupid enough to try to horn in on things by getting another one for Paige as well. We were working off Dad’s playbook now.

The half hour was almost up when we found the now-familiar yard. I guess my words must have gotten through to him, since he stopped at the front door and rang the bell. It was time to break old patterns and apparently that included simply walking in as if we lived there. We could hear Grandma yell at Grandpa to get the door for, and I quote, “those two idiots who don’t realize this is still their home.” There was a titter of feminine laughter from within.

Grandpa opened the front door for us with a roll of his eyes. “About time you got here. Now get washed up and get to the table.”

Dad shook his head. “Something to do first.” He took the big bouquet of flowers, leaving me following with Grandpa and the smaller floral arrangement. We caught up to him as he found his mother in the kitchen.

“Mom,” he said, catching her from behind in a big hug, the flowers proceeding around in front of her so she could see them, “these are for you. For putting up with me, for giving me time to heal, for accepting me back with open arms, for letting me grow into a new relationship with you.”

Grandma turned in his arms, clutching her new flowers in her hand. She seemed like she wanted to hug Dad back, but couldn’t, so I ended up holding two bouquets again.

“Jimmy, of course. You’re my son. I’m just glad that you came back and you stayed here with us.”

The commotion in the kitchen had caused the two Goddard women to come just in time to see the tearful embrace. They watched, misty-eyed as mother and son hugged for a long while. When Dad finally got Grandma to a chair so she could sit down, he gestured for me to bring him the flowers. I handed him first the one for his mother, and then the other one. I could tell that this was taking a toll on him when he took a shuddering breath and straightened, turning to face Evie.

“Mrs. Goddard, I’d be pleased to introduce myself and my son to you. I’m James McKenzie, and this is Tim.” He handed her the daisies. “These are for you. If I’m not being too forward, I was wondering if you’d do me the honor of having dinner with me and my family today.”

Grandpa looked as if he was going to object, to tell Dad that the woman had already been invited to dinner, but my headshake and Grandma’s glare kept him silent. Evie’s hand rose to her mouth, even while she grasped the flowers with her other. The business person vanished, the confident interior designer hid from sight, and a shyly demure voice answered instead in those fetching honeyed tones.

“I’d love to, James McKenzie. And while we’re making introductions,” the hand that had been at her mouth suddenly shot out and jerked Paige to her side, Evie’s eyes never leaving Dad’s, “I want to introduce myself and my daughter. I’m Evangeline Goddard, formerly Mercer, and this is my daughter, Paige Hope Goddard.”

Dad once again showed he had some game, as he captured Evie’s hand, bringing it to his lips briefly before releasing it and doing the same for Paige. “It’s my pleasure to make your acquaintance, ladies. Now, I believe lunch is waiting.” With that he escorted the two of them into the dining room, leaving a bewildered Pop and happy Mom behind with me.

“What was that all about?” Grandpa wanted to know.

“Hush, I’ll explain later,” his wife told him, handing him a serving bowl of vegetables instead. “Go put this on the table and keep the others company.”

When he had left the room, she turned to me. “Was that you?”

I shook my head. “No, that was all Dad. We ended up talking after church and I think he came to some realizations.” She gave me a look that said she didn’t believe he had made his breakthrough without help. “Okay, maybe Mom and I had something to do with it, but he’s the one stepping up now.”

I received a one armed hug from a woman who smelled deliciously of roast brisket. “You’re a good son, Tim, and just about the best grandson that any grandmother could hope for.”

Paige Hope Goddard caught up with me after lunch, when everyone retired to various rooms to talk, or in Grandpa’s case, snooze. I was still in the kitchen with Grandma, helping to clean up, wash dishes, find Tupperware for the leftovers, that kind of thing. My girlfriend had been shooting me inquisitive looks all the while we were eating, recognizing that the dynamic had changed between our parents, but not how or why, and now she wanted answers.

She stood in the doorway with hands on hips, and keeping her voice low so the parents couldn’t hear us from the living room, demanded them, echoing Grandpa.

“What was that all about?”

I quieted her, gathering Grandma and her into a little huddle on chairs around the breakfast table.

“That was Dad finally realizing that he and your mom are no longer eighteen and seventeen respectively. That was my mom’s legacy that you saw.”

Grandma nodded, privy, I’m sure, to more information than I was, yet agreeing all the same.

“That’s crazy,” Paige responded. “They know they’re not teenagers.”

I caught her hand, bringing it to my lips for a moment, and making her smile. “Think about it, Paige. Is the way that your mom has been interacting with my dad the same way she did with your dad?”

Grandma winced as I asked that.

“I mean, does she react to my dad the same way she did to other men she’s dated?”

Another wince.

“Really?” I asked Grandma. “None at all?”

A headshake.

I turned my attention back to Paige. “Okay, forget I asked those questions. Grandma just reminded me of the highway signs. I can tell you this though, he hasn’t been treating Evie like he did my mom.”

“Well, of course not. He and your mom were married for years.”

“Not what I meant. Look, last year was a tough one for my family. Mom was dying, Dad was having to deal with it and still make a living, and I was left to care for my mom in the times he wasn’t able to. There wasn’t much of him left for me. That changed this summer. I got to rebuild a relationship with him, and he became more than a father to me. He was a friend, a confidant, a mentor, and once again a parent. I saw Dad the diplomat, Dad the professional architect, Dad the contractor, and even Dad the Casanova.”

“When we came to Macon, I finally saw Dad the son. I guess I’m trying to say that I saw all these things that he had become since he left Georgia, and then I saw the thing that he was before he left. In the four months since, I’ve seen him struggle with reconciling all those things together, only there was one area of his life that he never dealt with.”

Paige was a step ahead of me, “His relationship with my mom.”

“Right. Think about the carvings in the gazebo. That was a hurt teenager who surfaced. Think of your mom’s reaction. Was that the reaction of a mature and hard-edged business woman? What about last week when they had their talk? Paige, even you and I talk around the kitchen table, or in the gazebo, or on the love seat, or...”

I was interrupted by a rap on my knuckles from Grandma, “You’re getting off track, Tim.”

“Right. What did our parents do? Retreated to her bedroom.”

Grandma nodded, “I didn’t know that, but it’s what they used to do when they were dating and wanted to be alone.”

“So today, church really got to him, because the previous Christmas was the last one where we were a whole family. When I found him in the parking lot, he was sad, and questioning his choice to move here. The only thing I could think of was to break a confidence of your mother’s. You know I told you how my mom came out to meet with Grandma and Grandpa? Well, I told you too that she met with Evie; I don’t know if Grandma even knew that.”

Her headshake answered that question. “Well, Dad didn’t know that either. I told him that Mom’s legacy was to see us moving forward, to allow ourselves to love and be loved again. And then we had to talk about how she paved the way for him to grow. I don’t know how to say this, but it’s really weird to see your parent revert to being emotionally the same age as you. He realized what I was saying, and understood that he needed to break the patterns he had fallen into. That was what the formal introduction was all about. It’s obvious that your mom caught on a lot faster than you did, Paige.”

Paige didn’t react to my little insult – she was smiling instead. “So what does this mean now?”

“What, for us or them?”

“Yes.”

I smiled. “I don’t think it changes anything for us, but I think they’ll start to act a lot more like adults in a new relationship. I’m not exactly sure what form that will take. Remember, I’m still sort of a novice at this myself, and so are you.”

Grandma stood up, placing a hand on each of our shoulders. “You two are doing just fine now, and I suspect that so will they. Look out for each other, and help each other shoulder burdens as they come along and everything will work out.” She took her leave of us, letting us have free reign of her kitchen as she went to join Grandpa for a nap.

“Paige, Tim, could you come into the living room? James and I would like to talk to you.” Evie’s voice was quiet, trying not to wake the elder McKenzies.

I entwined my fingers with Paige’s, and together we walked the short hallway to see our parents. They were sitting on the love seat, leaving the couch for us.

When we were seated comfortably Evie started. “Paige, I owe you an apology. I’ve shut you out and you’ve had to find your own answers about what’s been going on ever since the McKenzie ... twins, I think you once called them, moved here. I’m sorry. There are still some things I won’t discuss with you, but my relationship with James isn’t one of them.”

She turned those eyes on me. “Tim, thank you. You are an unexpected surprise, both to me and to your father.”

She and Dad alternated talking over the next hour, telling their story together, including their individual tales of separation and the pain each of them had gone through. I learned a lot about Dad, and almost as much about Evie. There were many details that couldn’t be shared outside of family, and I for one was pleased to be included in that group. Paige had maintained her grasp on my hand throughout the narrative, and she didn’t let go until Q&A time began.

“So why didn’t you go and find Mr. McKenzie, Mom? You knew where he was, all it would have taken was a bus ticket to get there.”

Evie looked down at her hands in her lap. “I was afraid,” she answered finally, “afraid and insecure. I was afraid that James no longer loved me. I was afraid that if I went and found him, he’d have found someone else, and I’d be rejected. I also didn’t have any money at the time. That was one of the ways that my dad controlled me.”

Paige shifted her gaze. “And you, Mr. McKenzie? Why didn’t you return for Mom? You could have come back to Georgia, found her, and then gone back to Seattle and all of this could have been avoided.”

Dad stared straight back at the young woman who was asking the tough questions. “First off, Paige, if Tim can call your mom Evie, you should be able to call me James.”

He nodded to himself as he considered what she had asked. “Why didn’t I come for Evie? In a word? Pride. That was the biggest part of it. I was too proud to return home until I had accomplished what I set out to do.”

He saw Paige open her mouth to shoot another question at him and forestalled it by holding up his hand. “That’s not all though. I had been writing weekly letters to your mother for a year, and in that time I didn’t get a single reply back. I checked with the registrar’s office to see if she had been accepted at UW, and she had, but they never received any follow-on information. The few times I called her house, either her dad or mom told me she was out on a date, or she couldn’t come to the phone. All of that told a stupid nineteen year old that there was nothing left for me to come and get.”

“Let’s face it honey, we were both young, we were both scared, hurt, confused by our abandonment by the other,” Evie told her daughter.

“So what did Grandpa Mercer have against James?”

Evie laughed bitterly, “Money and status. James was poor, the son of a contractor, he had no money, and your grandfather thought he’d never have any. He couldn’t see what I did – that there was a poet’s soul in James, and that he’d be able to express it through the buildings he designed. I was always sure that James would be successful, and I was right.”

Dad turned to Evie, a strange vulnerability in his eyes. “You thought I had a poet’s soul? You never told me that before.”

“Thought, think, know. You do. Anyone who looks at the new house you built can see it. Anyone who has followed your career can trace the development of that artist within you.”

Her hand rose to caress Dad’s cheek in a gesture at once tentative and intimate. I had to look away from the private moment shared in front of us. Paige squeezed my hand in acknowledgement.

Dad finally cleared his throat, drawing our gazes to the love seat once more. “He probably had something else against me, Evie. When I was sixteen, I was full of piss and vinegar, and I told him one day that with or without his blessing, I was going to marry you and take you away from him and his control. That was when we started having to meet at my place, or at the coffee shop since I wasn’t welcome in your home anymore.”

Paige had another question. “Did Grandma Mercer know?”

That was a hard one for Evie to answer. I could tell that because Dad’s knuckles were going white from where she was squeezing his hand.

“Yes,” she eventually said, the anguish plain in her voice. “Mom told me about some of the things that she and my father had done to split me up from James. That was right after I came back from my honeymoon, and I thought I was happy. Maybe she couldn’t stand for anyone to be happy when she was miserable, or perhaps she wanted to unburden herself. Whatever the reason, it was the single most spiteful thing she ever did to me.”

Her head hung off that elegant neck. “To my shame, the only times I’ve been in contact with them in the last twenty years was to make arrangements for them to take you for a vacation a couple of times. I’m sorry, Baby.”

None of us were prepared for the vehemence in Paige’s response. “No! Do not be sorry for that! Those are horrible people, and they’re nothing like Grandma and Grandpa McKenzie. These two are who grandparents should be like. This house is so full of love and acceptance and forgiveness that I wish they were my grandparents instead of Tim’s.”

There was a tap on wood paneling from the direction of the aforementioned grandparents’ bedroom.

“Still eavesdropping, Mom?” Dad asked.

“No. I just woke up and came out to see if you were still here. I only heard Paige’s last comment.”

Dad’s hand waved her into the room. She sat on the other side of Paige from me, gathering in the girl and clutching her to a matronly bosom. “Paige, dear, this house wasn’t always like that. For years after James left, I was angry – angry with James, furious with Lionel, and sad, so very sad.”

Paige’s muffled voice came from Grandma’s vicinity. “So what happened to change that?”

“You, and your mother. I was tired of being angry all of the time, and I remembered the laughter and love that were present in this house when Evie was dating James. So I reached out one morning at church, and that was all it took. After that, Lionel and I sort of adopted you and your mother, and I’ve tried to be an unofficial grandmother to you. We haven’t been as close since your father passed away, but we’ve always tried to be there for you two.”

There were sniffles from the two women with me on the couch. “Is it alright if I call you Grandma then?”

“I’d love that.”

“So did everyone’s questions get answered?” Dad seemed to be ready to wrap things up. I felt like I was in school when I raised my hand.

“Not quite, although this has less to do with your history and more with the near future. Why is Paige so stressed about her Goddard grandparents coming this week?”

Evie sighed, “Because I don’t object when they impose their rigid sense of morality on her. It wasn’t as bad when she was younger, but for the past few years as she’s become a young woman, it’s been increasingly uncomfortable.”

“So why don’t you tell Louis and Janelle no?” Paige was on the verge of being angry. “You think it’s uncomfortable? You try dealing with all their rules and expectations. Are you going to stand up to them this time, Mom?”

“Yes ... no. I don’t know.”

“Why can’t you?”

“Guilt.” Evie didn’t expound on that.

“Well Tim and I have a plan this time. If I have to get dressed up like some eighteenth century spinster just to walk out of the house while they’re here, then the first stop I’m making after I’m out of sight will be at the McKenzie’s. Tim said I could leave changes of clothes over there and use his bathroom to get ready for school.”

Evie’s head was hanging again.

“What is it, Mom? What are you guilty of?”

The answer came in a whisper. “I killed their son.”

I think everyone in the room froze, and then took the edge of their seats. Dad’s hand rose to rub Evie’s back. “What do you mean?”

Her head shook in negation, “No, I can’t.”

Like I had once done with Paige, dad reached over, scooped Evie up and set her on his lap. Their heads bowed together and they whispered to each other for a while. All the time, his hand provided reassurance, gently rubbing her back. She eventually raised wet eyes to the room.

“I killed their son,” she asserted in a voice filled with pain. “Not physically, but I feel responsible all the same.” Dad’s head leaned against her shoulder, giving her support. “The night that Phil died, he and I had a huge fight over his lifestyle and the hurt that his deception was causing. It wasn’t the first time we’d had that fight, but it was the worst. He got in his car and drove into Atlanta to go to an all-male club. He thought I didn’t know, but our cars had GPS tracking on them – I knew he would visit that club every so often. What I didn’t know is that he’d get drunk, or that he’d drive his car into a bridge abutment as he tried to get home.”

Paige abandoned me and Grandma, moving to sit next to Dad on the love seat, in order to comfort her mother. “It’s not your fault, Mom.”

“You can say that all you want. I’ve even said that to myself, but every time I think about it I feel a crushing guilt. That’s why I let your grandparents take over your life when they come. I have managed to limit it to one week a year though.”

“So Louis and Janelle don’t know about their son?”

Evie shook her head. “No. If they knew, it would devastate them. I can’t bear to do that on top of killing him.”

Dad spoke up. “Stop it. You did not kill their son. I won’t let you keep saying that. You were not responsible for his life choices, you didn’t pour the alcohol down his throat, and you weren’t driving the car.”

He tilted her face up so he could look into her eyes. “I’ll tell you what Jennifer used to tell me. You are only responsible for your own actions, but then she’d tell me that means you have to own them. Of course,” he looked at me, “that doesn’t apply when you have kids. Then you end up responsible for their actions too.”

Evie chuckled through her tears, “I don’t know how you can make me laugh even at a time like this. You’re good for me, James McKenzie.”

“So does that mean you’ll stand up to them?” Paige wanted resolution for her problem.

“I don’t know, Baby. I’ll try.”

“Well if you don’t I will.”

Evie’s head dipped in acknowledgment.

The sound of the toilet flushing in the other room meant that Grandpa had finally finished his snooze and was ready to rejoin us. We all took that to mean our time of sharing was over, and seating assignments got reshuffled. He took one look at the red faces and puffy eyes when he walked in the room, and immediately walked out.