Chapter 3: A Wakeup Call Named Matilda

Normally wild times end in sorrow and regret, mine simply petered out in exhaustion and confusion. Exhaustion because I’d drank too much for far to long, confusion because I woke up naked wrapped in the arms of a woman called Matilda.

My bladder brought me out of my exhausted alcohol impaired slumber, confusion and shock because Matilda of all people was lying naked in bed with me. Panic ensued and I made my escape to the bathroom to relieve the call of nature and try to figure out exactly how this had happened. I passed my water and then turned and splashed cold water on my face several times in hopes that I had been dreaming. Grabbing a housecoat I exited the bathroom to see an empty bed and an empty room, perhaps it was all a dream after all and perhaps it was also time to cut back on the drinking a little bit. Shock and relief were the overwhelming feelings.

I sat down at the desk and lit a cigarette bringing on the first set of morning coughs, for once I welcomed them hoping it would help clear my head. I fired up my laptop and began to blurrily read the morning news all the while wondering if it had all been just a dream. I was halfway through my second cigarette when a polite knock came at the door and Matilda let herself in as usual to deliver my normal morning breakfast tray and coffee. I formed the question but Matilda as usual never looked directly at me she merely laid out my breakfast on the table, rounded up any dirty dishes she could find, grabbed my bag of dirty laundry and disappeared out the door. I was simply astounded and confused; it must have been a dream.

On a whim I decided to check my condom count, I kept close track of how many I had to keep myself honest and avoid dreaded diseases. I didn’t even have to count, there in the waste can on my side of the bed were two used condoms, I had had sex with someone last night and my internal rumor mill told me that it was Matilda.

Matilda worked for the Pub I was staying at, she cleaned, she bussed tables, did dishes and she also reportedly made their beans – the best damn beans I have ever tasted. On the other hand Matilda didn’t look you in the eye and she didn’t speak, I wasn’t sure if I had heard five words out of her in the three years I’d known her. She could talk and she wasn’t dumb, just watching her work around the place you could tell she moved with intelligence and purpose. Talking just wasn’t something she did, some people are like that – don’t judge them based on their lack of words.

The problem was Matilda worked for the Pub, Matilda was obviously in the country illegally and Matilda had been in my bed when I woke up. Employees of the Pub were strictly forbidden from sleeping with the customers, which was standard practice as no bar or pub wants to be accused of prostitution. I’m not sure how she ended up in my bed but I decided then and there it was time to check out and move into David’s guest house. So it came to pass that I packed my crap, checked out of the Pub after a three and a half week stay and moved in with my old work buddy David.