Chapter 1: Sudden Change

It’s been said many times and in many ways, but the message has always been true, be careful of what you wish for because you just might get it. I wished for change.

Hell, it seems as though my life was always 8lbs of shit in a 10lb bag; by which I mean that I could always find some little bit of hope to hang on to and the shit wasn’t actually pouring all over me. When I say hope I mean that there was always a pretty girl, a good book or a new challenge to distract me from those 8lbs of shit I was toting around in my 10lb bag of a young life. I feel pretty lucky in that I only had 8lbs to carry, I quickly learned as I matured and travelled that many had much more shit to carry in a much smaller bag. So yes, I count myself as lucky, blessed or even “smiled upon”.

The way my past future played out really shouldn’t have come as a surprise to me. It’s complicated but please hang with me while I try to weave a story from what I remember. Much of what I have to say doesn’t reflect glamorously on me but without being truthful the story lacks true meaning and seems just to be a fantastical dream where wishes come true without the balancing price. That is simply not true, there is always a price to be paid.

There was no moment of glory to start me on my strange journey, there was simply a string of bad decisions followed by the appropriate bad results and bad luck.

Let me set you on the story’s path of sudden change before I relate all of the history; the background will all become clear as the story unfolds however I fear that were I to try to relate it all in one telling I would tend to deflect the responsibility for all that happened away from myself. Call it the wisdom of age or what you like however I feel it’s best if you hear the raw truth.

It was a sad and pathetic time for me, I had just lost a true and treasured love and I lost her because of my own behavior. She left me on a wet and windy Southern California day in the depressing March weather. Rather I should say she was leaving on that day and packing up whatever could fit in her car for her and her three sons. I actually had a shining moment at that point; I grabbed my travel kit, stuffed what I could in a suitcase and left her and the house behind. It was my fault after all and her or her children shouldn’t have to pay the price. She was caught by surprise when I stopped her and dropped the envelope and my keys to the house into her hand and as she opened the envelope I slipped into the driver’s seat and slank away.

That envelope, well it contained about $1800 dollars cash which was roughly half of what I had available to me and a short note apologizing for my actions. I knew that by the time she processed all of that I would be gone.

So suddenly I was homeless. With no place to go I headed to my favorite Pub down at the beach, Max’s Pub had a room – basically a fancy apartment – which they rented out and I thought I’d try my luck there first. I got lucky and I secured the room for a week. It cost me most of my available cash, but payday was just around the corner and I was sure to find a permanent place within a week. I locked up my truck, took a few bags up to my room and settled in for the week. The first order of business was to send a few emails including a short but difficult one to my new-ex containing some instructions and a few simple requests. All of this being accomplished I went downstairs to the pub, ordered a plate of finger food and promptly climbed inside of a bottle.

I stayed inside of that bottle for almost a full month.