Chapter 68

Liam said, ““Your most fair and decent judgeship, members of the compassionate jury that isn’t here, members of the concerned audience, untortured witnesses whose testimony has been bought and paid for but not by me, prosecutor who doesn’t even know how to properly torture witnesses, members of the angry and unruly mob gathered upon the steps of this courthouse, members of the biased and slanderous press, we shall now hear from my first witness on behalf of the poor wretched widow.

“He’s known far and wide as an impeccable judge of character. He’s a Dwarf among Dwarves! I give you the one ... the only ... the uniquely unique ... Chom!”

Pip clapped while Chom marched to the witness stand. He shouted, “Way to go, Chom!”

“Not him,” Judge Jack groaned.

Chom sat down on the witness stand after taking an opportunity to bow to the applause. He preened a bit. He spent a few seconds straightening his beard.

The clerk asked, “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”

“Is that a trick question?” Chom asked.

“No,” the clerk said.

“Do I have to answer it?” Chom asked.

“Yes,” the clerk said.

“What’s the correct answer?” Chom asked.

“Yes,” Judge Jack said.

“How can I be a witness for the defense if I answer yes?” Chom asked.

Judge Jack said, “You answer yes and then you answer the questions truthfully.”

“There won’t be any torture involved, will there?” Chom asked.

“No,” Judge Jack said.

“Okay,” Chom said. “I’ll answer yes.”

“You can ask your questions of the witness,” Judge Jack said.

“Do you know the poor wretched widow woman over there?” Liam asked.

“Yes,” Chom said. He wiped his brow and said, “I didn’t have to lie on that one.”

“Are you familiar with her character?” Liam asked.

“Yes,” Chom answered. He leaned over to the Judge and said, “This witnessing is pretty easy.”

“Would you describe her character?” Liam asked.

“I spoke too soon,” Chom said. He fidgeted in his chair. He tugged his beard and yanked on his hair. Finally, he said, “She’s a character.”

“I have no further questions for this witness,” Liam said.

Judge Jack said, “The prosecution may cross examine the witness.”

“I have no questions,” the prosecutor said.

“You may step down,” the Judge said.

Chom said, “That was the easiest meatloaf I’ve ever earned.”

Sean jumped up and ran out of the room. Judge Jack asked, “What’s wrong with him?”

“He gets sick whenever he hears the word meatloaf,” Chom said. “I don’t know why. His mother makes the best meatloaf you can possibly imagine.”

“I’ll ask my wife to get the recipe from her,” Judge Jack said.

Lily shouted, “You’ll be sorry.”

“Call your next witness.”

Liam said, “Your judgeship who men say little to nothing about, members of the compassionate jury that still hasn’t arrived, members of the extremely frustrated audience, witnesses whose testimony has been bought and paid for but not by me, the prosecutor who would prosecute his own mother, members of the angry and unruly mob gathered upon the steps of this courthouse who are still waiting for something to happen, members of the biased and slanderous press who have already tried and convicted my client, we shall now hear from my second witness on behalf of the poor wretched widow.

“He’s known far and wide as an impeccable judge of character. He’s a Dwarf among Dwarves! I give you the one ... the only ... the uniquely unique ... Pip!”

“Not him too,” Judge Jack said hanging his head.

Pip rose from his seat and shook hands with Chom. He said, “You did a most excellent job. I can only hope that I do as well.”

“You’ll do just as well, I’m sure,” Chom said.

Pip sat down on the witness stand after taking a minute to bow to the applause. He preened a bit. He spent a few seconds straightening his beard.

The clerk asked, “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”

“Sure, why not?” Pip answered confidently.

“That’s a yes or no question,” the clerk said.

“Yes,” Pip answered.

“You may now ask questions of the witness,” Judge Jake said.

Liam said, “Do you know the poor wretched widow seated over at that table?”

“Yes,” Pip said. He turned to the Judge and said, “This is easy.”

“Are you familiar with her character?” Liam asked.

“Yes,” Pip said. He turned to the Judge and said, “This is going great.”

“How would you describe her?” Liam asked.

“Hey!” Pip said. “That’s not the question we rehearsed.”

“Oops, that was Sean’s question,” Liam said.

“Just answer the question.” Judge Jack said. “How would you describe her?”

“Awkwardly,” Pip said after thinking about it for a minute.

Judge Jack said, “I’m looking for a bit more than that.”

“I’d agree with Chom. She’s a character,” Pip said.

“Good save,” Chom said.

“I thought so too,” Pip said.

“I have no further questions,” Liam said.

Pip said, “Well, I’ll be going now.”

“Hold on a minute,” Judge Jake said. “The prosecutor may have some questions for you.”

“I do,” the prosecutor said. “You said you’d describe her awkwardly. Why?”

“I object,” Liam said.

“On what grounds?” Judge Jack asked.

Liam answered, “I don’t want you to hear his answer.”

“Objection overruled,” Judge Jack said. “The witness will answer the question.”

“Can I talk to Liam for a minute?” Pip asked.

“No,” Judge Jack answered.

“Well, the ... uh ... well ... ah ... it’s hard to find the words... , “ Pip said searching for an answer.

“I can understand that,” the prosecutor said. “Could you please answer the question?”

Liam stood up and said, “I object.”

“On what grounds?”

“The prosecutor is badgering the witness. He’s answered the question. It’s hard to find the words to describe this poor wretched widow.”

“Yeah! That’s right. Once you get beyond poor, wretched and widow, there just aren’t many good words left,” Pip said.

“Objection sustained,” Judge Jack said.

“That was one bullet ducked,” Pip said.

“Good save,” Chom shouted.

“I’ll step down now,” Pip said.

“I want you to describe her,” the prosecutor said.

Pip sat there for a moment. Shrugging his shoulders, he said, “Well, she has hair that color. She’s tall and shaped like a woman. All of the basic body parts are there except for the beard. I’ve never gotten used to women without a beard. Some of body parts look pretty good, if you want my opinion.”