Chapter 9: Natalie

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Coffee mug in hand, Natalie sat on the padded window seat and watched the daylight break over the fields of dormant grapevines. The thermometer attached to the large window at the front of the house showed it to be in the low forties but the forecast on her tablet promised another sunny day. Harrison and Jenny were still asleep – thankfully now in their own beds after four days of travel.

She should still be in bed too but she couldn’t get the restlessness to leave her mind and her body. Natalie had been up early enjoying the quiet, but the peacefulness that usually came with her early morning ‘alone time’ had not materialized. She had to admit the traveling, no, it wasn’t just the traveling that left her wrung out and restless, it was the entire move, and before – the months before when she realized that there was no way they could stay on the ranch – that they were slowly and steadily going broke. That was all behind her - them now, so shouldn’t she feel liberated? As she sat and watched the sky lighten she realized she just felt defeated – defeated and out of place.

In her nineteen years she’d not traveled much – never saw a need, and then after her mother died, her life changed from high school girl to ranch manager and her responsibilities were to the ranch and her father. Then Harrison came back and their father died and then Cindy left, so she became mother and big sister to Jenny, caretaker for Harrison who was wounded in body and spirit, and chief cook plus the person who tried to keep the ranch financially afloat in times of economic uncertainty. Looking back over the last couple of years she never resented being restricted to the ranch and Missoula - she loved the vastness of the open spaces and the high meadows and the amazing mountain vistas that were a constant backdrop to everything they did. There was really nowhere else she wanted to be.

So now as she sipped her coffee Natalie felt quite lost. The move, the trip and the new surroundings all had her feeling rudderless. Before the move she had a purpose each day and she was already missing the ranch. As she watched a squirrel in the large oak tree near the front of the house she considered where she might be in a year, maybe more – probably still here. School started in a little over two weeks, but where would that lead? She was only interested in computers. She knew she had a knack for programing and troubleshooting, but Harrison had cautioned that wasn’t enough – he said she needed business classes so she could offer future employers something more than programming. He had assured her she had a rare ability to spot problems before they became large ones and to organize and prioritize – he was talking about how she had managed the ranch the last two years. Of course the fact they were here instead of there, only reinforced her feelings that she had failed.

When they had arrived yesterday she knew it would take some adjustment on all their parts, but probably it would be the toughest on her. Harrison was starting a new job, but he was excited about being able to teach high school. He was a natural teacher and with his injuries ranching was really no longer an option. He could no longer sit on a horse for hours or bounce around in a pickup while checking the fences. And Jenny? Jenny was bright and social and would have no problem fitting in at her new school. Natalie was the only one who had a hard time seeing the future. She would still be ‘mom’ to Jenny and friend and helpmate to Harrison, but how long would it take before she would get used to seeing rows of dormant grape vines surrounding the house instead of the snow-covered grasslands they had left in Montana? Lodi, at about sea level, was in the long central valley of California which stretched for hundreds of miles north to south and produced every kind of crop from grapes to pecans and walnuts to rice and fruits and vegetables. It was flanked by the coastal mountains to the west and the Sierra Range to the east.

She looked at the forecast on her tablet for Missoula and wasn’t surprised to see a high temperature forecast in the low teens, and then more snow. Of course the fact that Missoula was about three-thousand feet higher in elevation than Lodi didn’t help the average winter temperatures.

Other than heavy rains, their trip had been uneventful; the slow pace was set by the fully-loaded moving truck. Jenny was a delightful traveling companion and Natalie enjoyed her cheerful enthusiasm at all the new sights as they traveled west and then south. She did miss her when she was riding with Harrison in the U-Haul, but Banner did his best to keep Natalie company - head out the window, ears flapping in the breeze – a dog nirvana of new smells. She smiled at the image of the blissful dog. Banner had already made the transition and had marked all the significant places plus he was with his family. She wished it was so simple.

Natalie wondered how long it would take her to find a job. There was no denying that she had to get one – they needed the money. Unfortunately her requirements that the job not interfere with her ability to take care of Jenny and attend school at least part time, plus pay a decent wage, made it difficult from the beginning. For some reason employers thought an employee should work on their schedule.

She smiled slightly. How Medieval! Maybe she should just buy a lottery ticket and hope for the best!

Holiday temp work didn’t really appeal although she was more than willing. This close to Christmas opportunities would probably be limited but she would try. She vowed to do a computer search today for possible openings; unfortunately there had been little opportunity to search for Lodi jobs while she was overseeing the move from the ranch.

“Damn ... I have a lot to do,” she mused aloud. “Too much to do. Too many responsibilities.” Suddenly she felt like crying. “I’m only nineteen...”

Her phone chimed, and the text read, ‘Good time to talk?’

She smiled, her spirits suddenly lifted. It was Brendon.

‘Yes!!!’ She quickly replied.

Moments later her phone rang – actually Brendon’s ring tone was the opening notes of an Irish tune played on a dulcimer. He had introduced her to Celtic music, and now her phone and tablet were loaded with tunes featuring Irish harp, dulcimer, flutes fiddles, drums and magnificent voices.

“Hi.”

“Hi yourself. Just thought I’d check in since we didn’t get a chance to talk yesterday. I did get the pictures though – looks like a pretty nice place.”

Natalie hesitated, trying to keep the tears out of her voice.

Noticing her hesitation Brendon asked, concern in his voice, “Doing okay?”

“I’m okay...”

“Want to talk about it?”

“No.”

Silence. Then he said, “Can’t be the weather. I hear it’s always beautiful in California ... as opposed to here ... we’re freezing our asses off as usual!”

She smiled. Brendon knew her too well – knew she’d want to talk to him, just like all the other times when she couldn’t unload to Harrison, or anyone else. He was the only one she could talk to about anything and everything. She had discovered that unlike many of the young men she knew he was not self-absorbed - her brilliant and witty friend Brendon had the ability to listen.

Over the months as she and Brendon had talked and texted and Skyped and Face-Timed she had grown very much attached to the handsome dark-haired programmer from Chicago. Over the last several months they hardly missed a day – yesterday had been an exception since she’d been so busy, and then exhausted by the end of the day but she had managed to send a short text along with a couple of photos of their new home.

Brendon was a busy guy too - constantly on the go running his computer business. He owned his own company and provided services for a number of law firms in Chicago but was a little vague on exactly what he did. Regardless, he always found time for her. She also hoped that her feelings were reciprocated. Unfortunately, they’d never had that discussion - perhaps each was reluctant to bring it up for fear the other didn’t feel as strongly. They had never met except electronically but they seemed to have formed an easy-going bond that allowed each of them to share experiences and their daily talks had become very important to Natalie

“Okay, I guess I do.” She said softly.

Almost as quietly he asked, “So what’s up?”

Natalie sighed. “I’m just feeling sorry for myself ... I’m a fish out of water ... I don’t know what I’m doing here. Harrison is excited about his new job ... and Jenny ... well Jenny is Jenny. She charms everyone and she can’t wait for school to start. And I really miss the ranch ... and Montana. I just can’t see myself in this place.”

“But can you see yourself any place without Jenny and Harrison? You’re the glue that holds your family together.”

She paused, thinking about it, then added. “Sometimes I feel like they need me too much ... I’m feeling overwhelmed.”

He paused for a few seconds then said, “Natalie, with all the travel, which is wearing, and the disruption to your life ... not just now but over the last couple of years, and all the work you did to keep the ranch going - Natalie could it be you’re exhausted? That makes things particularly tough you know. When was the last time you had a good night’s sleep?”

“I sleep okay.” She responded a bit testily.

“How was last night?” Before she could reply he asked, “And the three nights on the road and the night before you left the ranch and the nights leading up to the move?”

For some reason she didn’t want to admit he was right.

“I’m not exhausted, just a little tired.”

He ignored her comment and said, “You’re exhausted and no wonder you’re feeling sorry for yourself ... and you know you have a right to feel that way.”

“What?” Natalie thought he’d try to cheer her up, but he was agreeing. Is that what she wanted to hear?

He lowered his voice and said, “Natalie, I know how much you love Jenny and Harrison. They do need you, probably more than you know. All of you continuing the struggle to stay at the ranch or even in Montana were never options. What’s happening in your life, past and present is a lot of responsibility to put on anyone, much less someone who didn’t sign on to be a mom to a six year old plus being a ranch manager and a helpmate for your wounded brother ... and all of you are dealing with the loss of your parents plus being abandoned by Cindy, who you thought was a friend ... none of its fair but you’re doing it and at least you know Jenny and Harrison love you. You’re Jenny’s mom now and Harrison’s undaunted helper and you’ll continue to do it ... unless I’m terribly mistaken about the beautiful woman I care about...”

Natalie looked at her phone. Did he really say I’m beautiful and he cares about me?

“So you’ll stay and keep them organized and run the household and solve the problems. You have a rare gift for solving problems you know. I’ve seen it in our troubleshooting forum discussions.”

He was right again. Why couldn’t she see these things? Was it because she was exhausted? She hadn’t slept well in months. Tears spilled.

“And another thing Natalie,” She could hear the smile in his voice. “I know you want to be around, not if, but when Cindy shows up just to be able to kick her ass back to Las Vegas or LA or Memphis or wherever she flies in from on her broomstick.”

The vision of Cindy on a broomstick and of kicking her bony ass made Natalie smile.

“One more thing ... If I wasn’t convinced your place is with Jenny and Harrison ... Well I’d come out there and hug you until you couldn’t breathe and then drag you back to Chicago with me and spend my life making sure you never had to worry about a thing, and make darn sure you were never sad or unhappy.”

“What? You would?” Had he really said what she thought he’d said?

There was silence for a few seconds.

“Brendon?”

“Yeah?”

“You’d want me to come to Chicago ... to be with you?”

There was another long pause and finally he said, “Damn! I hope I haven’t screwed this up.”

“Screwed what up?” She thought she knew what he was saying and her heart gave a leap.

“Our friendship.” He said quietly

“How?”

“Natalie ... I’m twenty-five years old and I’m a computer nerd ... and I’ve never had a steady girl ... much less one who looks like a runway model...”

He thinks I look like model? A smile played across her face as a tear streaked her cheek.

“And is also sort of a computer nerd ... and ... and ... Damn, why is this so hard? Natalie, I think about you all the time and hearing your voice is the highlight of my day ... and I fantasize about you coming to Chicago and me meeting you at O’Hare and you smiling that special smile of yours and then walking up to me and throwing your arms around me and kissing me...”

More tears threatened and her throat was so constricted she couldn’t speak.

“Natalie?”

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry. Can we still be friends?”

She composed herself enough to reply, “Brendon, I want to come to Chicago ... and have you meet me at the airport and when I see you I’ll run up to you and give you the biggest kiss you can imagine!”

Silence.

“Brendon?”

“Are you sure Natalie?”

“Any man who can describe me as a runway model and a computer nerd in one sentence and still have me smile about it, gets a big kiss upon arrival!” she laughed, suddenly feeling like she’d won the lottery.

“I can imagine a pretty big kiss ... with you...”

Natalie giggled, thinking about a movie-style greeting in front of an approving audience except for legions of jealous women. “Oh Brendon. I can’t wait.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“And if I could arrange some time off with my boss, the ogre, you know like I mentioned in my note with the Christmas present I sent. You wouldn’t be displeased if I came to visit you in California?”

Natalie’s heart beat faster. “I know your boss and he’s not an ogre. I’m sure he’d be happy to give you some time off!” She laughed - suddenly feeling light-headed. And then quietly she asked, “You’d really come here?”

“I was very serious about it when I wrote that note about us meeting, and I still am. How about late January, or early February? If you really want me to come.”