Chapter 32: Lori

When Jamie went back to the house, I was so lonely I could hardly stand it. I craved his company the second he was out of sight. I knew he was tired and had his own things to do, I thought if I made him supper, how could he deny me?

It worked just as I suspected. He was at first shocked then astounded that I cooked him dinner. It was as if I had given him a special gift. Maybe it was.

He had to have been as lonely and afraid as I was. I needed to think about his struggle and not just my own. Maybe some-thing as little as a meal was a big event to him, just like the shower in the houseboat was to me yesterday. If so, I'm glad I schemed to bring him back to me, even for a little while.

We had come so far in just a day that cooking for my hus-band — I mean my fiancé — seemed perfectly normal. Then my mouth betrayed me. Before I could catch myself, I was yawning and Jamie took that as an invitation to leave. He was up and gone before I could object.

That was okay. After tomorrow we would never be apart. Not even for one night.

I had an awful thought. What if my figure repulsed him, or if I sang off-key or too loud in the shower, or somehow didn't live up to Jamie's expectations of me? I thought of hundreds of possible turn-offs that might drive Jamie away.

Is it possible that I won't be what Jamie wants in a wife? Should I try to find out all I can about Arthea and mold myself into a copy of her?

I critiqued myself in the vanity mirror and tried to be impartial. I saw a young woman who was just slightly thin with long brown hair and blue eyes. My skin was clean and clear. My posture was pretty straight.

I had a fair figure. It was no lingerie model figure, but I got my share of looks when I walked down the street. Surely, Jamie would think I was attractive enough. Wouldn't he?

I decided if I weren't pretty enough, he wouldn't look at me the way he did tonight. A woman can tell when a man is interested and he had that look ten times over.

Why are you thinking like this? I scolded myself. You're going to be married by this time tomorrow and you can't waste time making up things to worry about.

That settled, I went back to work. As I wrote a list of medicines we might need, I pondered health problems that might affect us.

Birth control was not a concern. When I was a teenager, I had so many problems that my doctor put me on an experimental birth control drug to give me relief from cramps. He found out I had poorly functioning ovaries and would have trouble conceiving. When I was ready for children, he promised, fertility drugs would overcome my inadequate ovaries.

I bore that disappointment for years. Kevin thought it was wonderful that we wouldn't have to worry about any accidental pregnancies, but it hurt me that he was so cavalier about it. Something so important to me should have been important to him.

Here on the night before my wedding to the man for whom God saved me, I was considering ways Kevin had let me down. That seemed silly and I purposefully put him out of my mind.

Jamie and I needed to have a long talk about my childbearing issue. With no one to help if something were to go wrong, children seemed out of the question.

The new world was frightening at times. I knew God had us in His plan and that nothing would happen that He wasn't planning. So I should let Him determine if we were to become parents.

God, I'm wondering what's next for us. I'm wondering if everything will be okay tomorrow. And, not just tomorrow but all the rest of our tomorrows. Can you forgive me for being so scared? I've never gotten married and now I know I've never been in love. It's scary and I'm scared.

Please be the third part of our marriage. I know I love Jamie and I know he loves me. We both love You and can't do this without Your love and direction. Give us a lifetime of joy and let us clearly hear Your voice and know Your will. We can't be trusted to know what You want on our own. That's only possible when we listen for Your voice and I pray, Dear God, that Your voice is clear to us forever.

Thank You for this love.

I Love You.

Jamie

I know I saw every hour on the bedside clock all night long. I slept fitfully in between, worried that I had overslept.

When sunlight filtered into the bedroom, I saw it was just coming up on 7 AM. I figured I had about two hours before Lori would be tooting the horn.

I made the bed and put a powder blue bedspread and pillow shams on it for our first night together. After a quick shower, I scrubbed down the stall so it would be perfectly clean when Lori used it.

After breakfast, I ran through my checklist of the house. Just as I completed my assessment, Lori beeped the horn. It was 7:30. I wasn't the only one up and anxious this morning.

We hopped in the Suburban and made the brief trip to the county courthouse. We chatted the entire way. Lori seemed just as keyed up as I felt this morning.

At the courthouse, I found a marriage license and filled it out. I learned that Lori and my mother had the same birthday. That set me back for a second.

We signed both copies and I notarized it for the clerk of the court. He wasn't there and would never know, but I intended to do it right.