Chapter 13

"No, Dad," said Hadassah, and Joshua nodded.

"I understand my daughter's words," I said with a grin, "but Joshua, are you nodding in agreement with her, or to signify that you do want to know?"

"Sorry. I'm agreeing with her. Actually, I think I know already. I believe Hadassah, that we're having a girl. I want to be ready in case it's a boy, but I think she knows."

"You realize it's customary nowadays to learn the baby's gender ahead of time." I could remember when the technology was new enough that, although it was possible, many couples didn't learn until the birth. Today, though, nearly everyone is eager to see those first ultrasound images showing the child's gender.

"I know, and maybe with our other children we'll want to know, but this time, Mr. Garvin, we want a surprise."

I would think there have been enough surprises, I thought, but kept it inside, knowing it wasn't a helpful notion. What I did say was, "In that case, make sure that when the time comes, you let the doctor know. Otherwise he'll assume that you do want to know, and have the screen where you can see it."

"We will, Daddy," Hadassah said. "So, we're going to have a girl named Charis María – or, if I'm wrong, a boy named Isaiah David. That's one thing out of the way at least."

"Don't you wish they were all that easy?" I asked.

"Oh boy, do I ever!" said Joshua. "Hadassah's been telling me about how you've talked with her about unintended consequences. And I'm running into those myself. It's a lot harder than I ever thought, getting married and having a baby."

"It would be easier," Gill said gently, "if you were older and on your own, and married. But yes, it can be difficult. When we got married your father was still in graduate school, and we didn't live nearly as well as we do now. And when I got pregnant, though it was what we'd sought for two years, it still had a major financial impact. We aren't sorry we had you, honey, but we would have lived better sooner if we hadn't. Children are not free."

"I know you're not sorry you had me, Mom – and I know you love me." Hadassah was leaning forward, her curls framing her face in a waterfall of dark hair. I suddenly realized that the perfume I smelled wasn't Gill's, but Hadassah's. When had she started wearing perfume – and why had it taken me so long to realize just how much she was growing up? "But would it really have been easier without me?"

"Financially, yes." Gill took my hand and smiled at me. "Your father and I had to scrimp and save to survive his schooling, and then just as he received his doctorate I found I was pregnant – and we had to keep scrimping and saving. Without you, we would have become comfortable more quickly. But you were, and are, worth every penny, and more."

"You mother's right," I said. "We love you, Hadassah, and we'd rather be poor than be without you. We wanted a child, and when we found out you were coming we celebrated, even though we knew it would cost us financially."

"And now we're celebrating," Joshua said, "even though our baby's costing us in a lot of ways." He shook his head. "I never understood what a responsibility children are until now, or what a blessing they are."

Trust Hadassah to have an appropriate quote: "' Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, /The fruit of the womb is a reward.' I know now exactly what Solomon was talking about when he wrote that." She rested her hand on her belly, which still – at least in her clothing – looked as flat as ever. "This is God's gift, this baby. It must be a gift, for the way we conceived her was certainly not something that earned a child. God gave her to us, out of His love and grace..."

She looked up at me and Gill, with a look of worship on her face. There was awe, and reverence, and gratitude in the widening of her eyes and the gentle curve of her lips. "I'm so thankful to God that He blessed Josh and me even when we were sinning against Him."

"And I'm thankful," I said, "that instead of seeing this child as a burden, as a problem to solve, you're viewing it as a blessing. I know your views on abortion – how could I not, after you were ready to reject Joshua if he advocated that abomination – but many women who don't believe in abortion would still be unhappy to be pregnant in your circumstances."

"I have to be honest," she said. "At first, when I first realized I was pregnant, I didn't want to be. I was scared, and ashamed, and I wanted to wake up and find out that I'd had my period." She blushed at the mention of that intimate function. "But that didn't happen, and very soon I realized that I loved my baby, even if I hated what I'd done to have her. And even though I've repented of my sin, I'm so happy that I'm having a baby. Maybe I'm too young, and I know that I shouldn't be pregnant before I'm married, but none of that is the baby's fault. And I truly do love her, and I can't wait until I get to hold her and kiss her and love her and raise her."

"Well," Gill said, "in reality you can wait, for you have no choice. We want a healthy, full-term pregnancy, so you're going to have wait about five more months."

Hadassah laughed. "And I'll get big and bloated, and my ankles will swell, and I'll have to buy clothes big enough to fit a tank, and I'll waddle when I walk."

"And I'll love you as much as ever," Joshua told her, taking her hand in his. "And if I forget to tell you on the day that the baby comes how beautiful you are, it won't be because you're not, it'll be because I'm forgetful."

"Will I be beautiful, Mom, when I'm as big as a house?"

"Ask your father," Gill said with a smile.

I didn't give Hadassah a chance to ask. "I remember your mother when she was at full term. She was big, and she moved awkwardly and it was uncomfortable sleeping beside her because she took up so much room, and all the ways we had of holding each other had to adapt. But she was the most beautiful woman on earth to me then, just as she was the day I married her."

Hadassah smiled. "I don't care if I'm as ugly as dirt when I'm pregnant. My baby will be beautiful, and that's what counts." She looked at Gill. "Mom, have you ever wanted any more kids?"

I glanced at my wife, and saw her bite her lip. It was a question I'd asked a few times, and learned not to ask. But she answered Hadassah, though her voice was thick as she spoke. "I wanted a whole family of children when we got married. And then for two years I couldn't get pregnant. The doctors couldn't figure out why, and even though we really couldn't afford it we were talking about various fertility options when finally I missed a period. And then twice I almost lost you. When you were born it was a miracle – you were a healthy, full-term child and the birth was without complications. But since then I haven't been able to become pregnant again.

"Yes, I would have liked to have other children. But I've learned to be content with the daughter God gave me, and today, if I became pregnant again, it would be a blessing, yes, but I don't crave it anymore. I love you, Hadassah, and all the love I might have given a family of children I bestow on you."

"'I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am.' I know Paul was talking about something else, but it seems like you've applied it to yourself." Hadassah was nodding as she looked searchingly at her mother. "I've sometimes wondered what it would be like to have brothers and sisters. Sometimes I've prayed for brothers and sisters. But God hasn't given them to me, and I'm like you, Mom – I've learned to be happy as your only child. And I'm happy that you've never spoiled me, the way I've always heard only children get. And now God's given me Josh to love me, and a baby to love... 'After all that has come upon us for our evil deeds and our great guilt, since You our God have requited us less than our iniquities deserve.' We serve a gracious God, don't we?"