Chapter 1

It was a beautiful day on the lake. On the hillside, the early morning sun cast long shadows on the grass. A herd of cows were grazing in a nearby field. Several other boats were scattered about on the lake. Their occupants all seemed intent on perfecting their fishing techniques.

I thought I spotted a hawk among the branches of a tall dead tree. I looked a little harder, and sure enough, there he was. The large bird was barely discernible among the black and white mottled branches. The splotches on its chest were designed to blend in perfectly with the surrounding structure. The only thing that had caught my eye was the slight bulge in one of the branches. It had been that slight deviation from the norm that had caught my attention and had allowed me to discover that incredible bird.

I had risen early and arrived just in time to see the sun come up. As I enjoyed my surroundings, I began to experience an overwhelming feeling of peace and serenity. The view I had of the world at that time and in that space was one of amazing beauty. The lush hillside, the amazing variations of colors in the sky, and the clarity of the water all added to the incredible scene that was unveiling before me. I hope that I never reach that point where the wonder of a new morning becomes just another day.

By the time I spotted the hawk, I had already caught several nice fish. I had gently unhooked and carefully placed each fish back into the water. My real purpose for being on the lake was to experience the wonder and beauty of the early morning. Of course, if I caught that one perfect fish, it would later become my meal. I love the natural world and flee to it every chance that I get.

I had recently had a bad experience in my marriage and had decided to attempt to swear off women. Who needs them anyway I had rationalized in my state of hurt and disappointment? In nature, I could spend as much time as I wanted looking at the beautiful scenery around me. Even if the weather should change and the sky became filled with ominous looking clouds, I would still be able to marvel at the movement, shadowing, and power present as nature exhibited its wonders.

With a woman, you are only allowed the time that they ration out for you to look and gaze upon their wonders. More often than not, it's just a brief glimpse and then they go back to covering up what you so much long to see.

My wife was a beauty. She was incredible to look at. She had that knack for picking out clothes that would flatter her body. Her hair was always perfectly cut. The nails of her fingers and toes were always painted and manicured. She always smelled so good. When she was lounging around the house, I would stare in amazement at the lovely figure who shared the house with me.

There was only one problem. It was like living with a porcelain doll. She was amazing to behold, but I could only look. If I stroked her hair, I would mess it up. Her nails were always drying. Her clothes couldn't be wrinkled. She was a living breathing doll, but that was the extent of it.

Her neatness transferred over onto me. I had to wear matching clothes. When I worked in the yard, I had to look like I was going out to play golf. My nails had to be trimmed and cut. Calluses, if I should get any, needed to be soaked and filed, just to make sure I didn't snag or pull any fibers on her clothes.

I tried to survive as long as I could. We would have a nice time when we went out to eat. She could carry on a good conversation and act pleasant in public. She was intelligent and pleasant to be with.

I could see that other guys were checking her out. There was no doubt in my mind that they were envying me. If they only knew, I thought. I looked at their partners who were much plainer and found myself envying them. That feeling of having someone who cared about you and shared in your dreams had become so elusive to me.

I longed to have a partner that I could laugh and play with. I fantasized about a wife that I could chase around the house and finally catch, exploding in an embrace of passion and abandon. I wondered if I would ever experience that feeling of being loved and desired by a woman. I wanted to be enticed and seduced by my lover.

After years of attempting to save the marriage, I finally decided it was time to let go. I was the one who suggested a trial separation. She claimed that she did not want that to happen, but she didn't fight it either.

I moved into half of a duplex that had access to a two car garage. Fortunately I was able to store my boat, kayak, and sailboat and still have room for my Jeep. The first week was like a dream to me. I put on some old jeans and a t-shirt. I went fishing and hiked through the woods. I built up some calluses chopping wood for my campfires.

I discovered that I did miss my wife. At the end of the day, there was no beautiful woman to dream about. There were no smells lingering in the air to remind me that a woman was present. There were no delicate clothes hanging at the end of the bed, laid out to be worn the next day.

One benefit that I noticed right away was the feeling of being so alive. I was no longer walking around like a zombie in a dream. I really looked at the sky. I really looked at the trees. When the sun shone on my face, I could feel the energy being poured into my soul.

I would drive by the house occasionally out of curiosity. Several times she had asked me to stop over and fix something; like the garage door or the sink. Each time I would look on her beauty and be amazed. Secretly I hoped that she would say that she missed me. I dreamed that she might grab me and press her body close to mine. That never happened. She would never come up behind me to gently rub my neck. I would have returned if she had simply hugged me or given some indication that she still loved me. Instead, it was a gentle handshake, being careful not to damage her nails.

One day, as I was driving by, I spotted a Lexus in the driveway. The old juices began to flow and a bit of jealousy kicked in. I parked down the road and waited to see who might come out.

I wasn't there long before I saw my wife come out with a very handsome man. I dug out the binoculars that I keep in the car. I like to have them ready in case I should need to identify a wild creature that I may have spotted along the side of the road. I had to admit, he was very clean. His hair was perfectly cut. His clothes were impeccable. I could tell that his shoes were of very fine quality.

I watched as he opened her door and then went around to his side of the car. After they had left, I lingered for a few minutes more. What was it that I was feeling? My emotions were all over the place. What did I think would happen? What did I really want out of life? Why should I be jealous of this man, knowing that he would soon find out just how unexciting she could be?

I am convinced that there are some men who are emotionally developed the same way as she was. They are more concerned about appearances than what lies hidden in the recesses of the heart. They get more upset about a spot on their clothing, or a smudge on their car, than they do about a longing heart or the need for affection.

I am just the opposite. A spot is a spot. A tender touch is a treasured moment. A look, caress, or a soft kiss is to be treasured for the remainder of the day. The height of passion is like a hillside covered with wildflowers adorned with the finest of trappings. It is to be enjoyed and savored more than just about anything else in life.

I had married for looks. We had agreed to not unite in love until after the wedding. I had thought it was a religious or cultural conviction. I would later learn that it was something that was buried in the very core of her being. Not once had there been a spontaneous outpouring of love and affection. Not once did I feel that she cherished or needed my love.

I started up the car and drove away. The reality of seeing her with another man was just too much. I needed to go someplace where I could burn off some energy. Fortunately, I still had my bike on the car rack from the night before. I headed to a bike trail that led out into the countryside. From previous excursions, I knew I would be able to ride for miles. I needed to work through some thoughts and set my course for the weeks ahead.

In what direction was my life going? Was there any hope of change or the promise of renewed affection? Did I even want to put in the work that was required if that change was possible? What did I really want out of life? Did I really love her or was it just the thought of someone else being with her?

All these and a multitude of other thoughts ran through my head. I tried to concentrate on the scenery around me, but my emotions were just too raw. How could she treat me like this? I had never once been unfaithful to her. I had tried to buy her everything that she wanted. I had sacrificed many of my own dreams in order that she might be happy.

The motion of my legs pumping on the pedals felt so good. The wind was gently blowing across my skin. I was wearing a baggy shirt and a pair of cut off jeans. I knew that, in my present condition, I was not presenting a very desirable sight. Being married and working long hours had made me soft. There were many areas of my body that needed work.

I would never say that I was handsome. At times, I wondered if she had married me for my money and stability. I had a good job at a brokerage firm and had the potential for advancement. I guess those qualities can be very attractive to some women.