Chapter 4

Looking back on my life, I now know that I was embarking in the happiest time of my life. My career had been established and my workload increased and of course with that my income. I would be in court three days out of five. Harry would keep me busy with his 'two a day' supply of briefs, and it would appear that both Melvin and Andrew favoured me to support them as junior often. Chrissie had worked for some years as a Doctor's receptionist. In those days, before maternity leave was a statuary benefit married women would work until their pregnancy was final and then give up work to be a full-time mother. I knew that she wanted above anything to give me a child, so after some few months of marriage we had a talk. I told her that I thought I was in a position to support her and a child. The smile on her face could have lightened the darkest night. She went up to the bathroom and came down holding the blister packet of birth control pills. "Can I throw these away now Clem?"

"Well if you want to become fat and heavy, I suppose you could."

Chrissie shook her head vehemently. "No my darling. I shall not be fat and heavy; I shall be gravid, full of baby, your baby and mine." She started to undress ignoring the full daylight outside and that our curtains were not closed. "I am so happy, can we practice right now?"

"Yes. Upstairs. I am not going to put on a show for any passerby to see."

If Chrissie was eager to make love whenever the opportunity presented itself prior to that conversation, afterward she could if possible demand more. We practiced frequently. The goal was to get Chrissie pregnant yet it was never a chore, the more we made love the closer we became. Chrissie when she was home disdained underwear. "Why bother?" She asked. "You will only take them off me, I'm happy to say."

As the months rolled by and Chrissie did not become pregnant, a certain concern entered our lives. After eighteen months, that concern became worry. It seemed for many people it was easy to get pregnant, especially when they didn't want the girl to get in the family way, as it was often called at that time. Things came to a head on our third anniversary and we sat down and yet again had that conversation. Chrissie was of the opinion that it would happen one day. I felt that action was required and offered to get a test done to see if my sperm was deficient in any way. Chrissie at first was dubious, her feeling was that time would solve our problem. I doubted that and eventually I argued her around to the idea. Having agreed she needed re-assurance. "Would you mind, Clem? It seems as if I doubt your manhood."

"Well, Chrissie if I don't have a problem, then we have to look at you and the same thought could apply. It's not about fault, Chrissie. We want a child. Whatever is holding us back may be something simple, easily cured. We find out, fix it and make it work."

"Yes. You're right." She agreed. "I'll make an appointment with Doctor Purvess at the same time and get checked."

Now I regret our decision because the result blighted our lives onward. If we hadn't known maybe, we could have lived in hope. With hope gone, we had to re-assess our lives. With hope gone, I had to coax Chrissie out of the melancholy into which she had sunk. After many medical tests the disastrous news was that Chrissie would be unlikely to ever conceive and even if she could it was unlikely that she would carry the child to full term. She took this personally as if she was guilty; she changed from the vital, bubbly happy woman to a quiet, monosyllabic gloomy presence. I know she missed many days at work because if I were not there to remind her she would stay in bed for most of the day. I found out when Dr. Purvess phoned to see if she was well. He gave her appointments to discuss her problem only for Chrissie to cancel at the last moment. She would tell me when I got home that she had fulfilled the appointment. It took another call from Purvess for me to find the truth. I made an appointment for Chrissie and told her I would go with her. "No, Clem. You are so busy; you shouldn't take time off just for me. I'll be alright and will go to the appointment."

"Yes, Chrissie." I replied. "And when I ask you how the appointment had gone you will tell me something inconclusive and misleading. No Chrissie we will go together, Dr. Purvess asked me specifically to be there as he needs to talk to me as well." Chrissie had no answer.

It took quite some time for a diagnosis; Dr. Purvess referred us to another doctor, who in his turn referred Chrissie to the Psychiatric department at the Queen Elizabeth Hospital. None of these consultations was easy as Chrissie resisted all the way telling me that it was pointless and there was nothing wrong with her. She was surprised when the Professor of Psychology related all the symptoms she was suffering without her saying anything, and told her she was Clinically Depressed. Dr. Purvess was advised to treat Chrissie with a relatively new drug called Anapranil, which was a TCA. (Tricyclic antidepressant) It meant nothing to me except that gradually I could see an improvement in Chrissie. Purvess had warned me that Chrissie would be taking these tablets for quite some time. Chrissie didn't seem to worry and neither did I; I was slowly getting back my Chrissie. She did relapse at times and in one of those dark moments, she told me I should divorce her and marry a woman who could give me a child. I would have exploded but controlling my emotions was part and parcel of my career. "Yes, Chrissie, I could do that, and yes I could probably father a child, but what will I have lost? I would have lost you, and any woman I married after you will be second best. Would a child compensate for that? I think not. We didn't marry in order to become parents. We married because we wanted a life together. It was Chrissie and Clem who wanted to be lovers, friends, and companions throughout our lives. For me that wish hasn't changed. So, we cannot have children. That doesn't change my hope that you and I will be together, love together, laugh together, and go places together. We should look upon the opportunities; we can go to exotic places for holidays, places where we can make love on the beach with a warm sea lapping against as we do. See sights to enthral us, the Grand Canyon, Sydney Harbour Bridge and the Table Mountain in South Africa. You have said you want to see these places, so do I; and we can do them together and the wonder, the thrill of seeing them will be diminished if I cannot hold your hand at the same time. Love, my wonderful Chrissie is unconditional. It is you first in my life, the only woman I will truly love." Chrissie fell into my arms and wept her heart out.

If there was any upside to Chrissie's condition, it was her work. When I was at home there was little problem as we engaged in conversation quite a lot. At work, she had the doctor and nurses always on the alert for any relapse in Chrissie's condition. As time went on anyone meeting her would not even get the smallest clue to her problem, indeed I felt that we together had conquered the depression. Five years later, it came back with a bang. We had got on with our neighbours tolerably well to the extent that we would chat frequently and visited each other for drinks of an evening. Chrissie in all innocence had mentioned her condition to one of the neighbours. As gossip went in those day and still does today, her mention was passed on to others and as it was transmitted became much more than the simple truth. I came home one day to find Chrissie in tears and drinking whisky, which was forbidden her and a half-empty bottle of aspirin by her side. I took the whisky and the aspirin away and carried her up to the toilet, where I put my fingers down her throat. She vomited violently bringing up undigested aspirin as well as the rest of her stomach contents. I put her to bed and called Dr. Purvess. He was with us in twenty minutes. From downstairs I could only hear indistinct murmurs until I heard Purvess raise his voice clearly, telling Chrissie not to be so stupid again.