Chapter 39

'Berto

It was Sunday morning again, and time to go to church. It was an interesting sensation, how he felt about it this morning. He'd gone the first two times with Toni because he wanted to get married, and she wanted a church wedding, and they'd decided to give MJT a try. But this morning it was different. I'm actually looking forward to it. Maybe what Toni's been saying these past two weeks is having an effect on me.

Indeed that was the case. He'd asked her questions, and she'd answered to the best of her ability. And she'd taken to leaving her Bible on the coffee table, and reading from it occasionally – a time or two aloud as he listened. And she'd point out passages to him that conveyed a special meaning to her, and explain that meaning. I don't understand all of it – I don't understand most of it, if I'm being honest – but I understand her better now. And that was not a bad thing. If I'd known then what I know now, I'd never have scorned her religion that night. It had been three weeks since their big fight, the night he'd stormed out and gotten thoroughly drunk. I know now, a little bit anyway, why she became so angry with me.

But it wasn't just that. It's also what happened Sunday ... last Sunday. He didn't understand it, exactly. He'd known that she was grinding herself down with guilt, and exhorting her to forgive herself – once Tyrone brought that phrase into the conversation, Roberto had known it was the right one – was merely the natural outgrowth of his love for her and his distress at her pain. But it wasn't just a psychological thing, I don't think. There was something else there. How else can I explain such a sudden and complete transformation?

He was standing at the living room window drinking orange juice while Toni got ready for church. They already had a habit of her letting him use the bathroom first on Sunday morning – it didn't take him as long to shave and brush his teeth and comb his hair as it took her to put on her makeup and fix her hair. He looked out at the spring day, with the trees now definitely wearing their new leaves, and remembered. It was like she got a new heart. Or was "heart" the right word? Should he call it a personality? No, she was the same Toni she'd been all along. Was it a new mind? Maybe – certainly her mental attitude had improved, and her opinion of herself had changed completely. But it seemed to be more than that. Yeah, I think "heart" is the right word. But I'm not entirely sure what I mean by that word...

So what had brought about the change? He'd already decided it was more than just a mental alteration. She didn't just make up her mind not to beat herself up anymore. There was something else to it... But what else? She'd call it God, of course. So would the elders ... now there was an interesting group. Tyrone had wound up doing most of the talking, but he remembered how every one of them had, in his own way, shown his compassion for Toni's suffering. They'd call it God, and Toni would call it God. What do I call it?

Suddenly he felt just a bit trapped – like the brown eyes of the gambler in "Pretty Maggie Moneyeyes." Harlan Ellison wrote a keeper there. Roberto felt as though mentally all the options were disappearing, forcing him down a road he'd never thought he could travel and had never wanted to approach. Do I have to admit there's a God in order to deal with this? I sure hope not. But facts were facts, weren't they? He couldn't avoid reality by denying its existence. If I don't believe in fleas, they'll go on biting just the same.

He finished his orange juice, and looked at his hand wrapped around the glass. Where did that come from? Did it just evolve, or did someone design it? Where does a mind come from? Why can people think about these things, and horses can't? Where did that vast difference between humans and animals come from? It wasn't weepy stuff, but it was deeper than he could handle; it was as though, unable to swim, he'd found himself in the deep end of the pool trying desperately to tread water until he could find his way to the edge.

He walked into the kitchen and put the glass into the sink, running water into it to keep the residue from turning into sludge. He looked to the window over the sink, seeing but not seeing a bird using the birdbath that Toni had filled with fresh water the day before. Maybe I can ask her about this. Or maybe the elders, since we're going to talk to them again today. I sure can't figure this all out for myself, not anytime soon, anyway. I'm on ground I don't know how to walk on.

Toni

"I hope you don't mind that it's just me," Jim Garrison said as he spoke with Toni and 'Berto after the service. They were in the nursery, which was now empty of children. It opened off the auditorium, and she could hear the early service congregation leaving and the second service people coming in.

"It's not a problem, Jim," 'Berto said.

"The reason is that you spoke with me initially, so the elders asked me to continue to supervise – if I can use that word – things when it doesn't require the full body of elders."

"That's fine – it makes good sense, actually."

"Very good. I appreciate your understanding. I just wanted to ask quickly whether you'd decided on a date and a preacher; I know you were going to discuss it."

Toni watched as 'Berto handled the discussion. It was a new thing for her, standing back and letting someone else take the lead. And I find that I like it. No matter what some might say, submission to my husband has a lot of pleasant aspects. The fact that they weren't yet married didn't bother her; he would be her husband, and in her heart he already was.

'Berto pulled a piece of paper from his pocket. "We did, and we have. I wrote it all down here, not that I need much of a reminder – I can't think of anything else." He smiled, and Garrison nodded in understanding. "It's nothing against any of the other elders, but we'd like Tyrone to do the ceremony. He impressed both of us last week, and while we're sure that any of the other elders could do a good job, we really would like Tyrone to do it."

"He has impressed everyone in this church," Jim said. "He's working at retiring, and one of the reasons is that so many people look to him for everything. He's an impressive man – I've never met anyone who loved the Lord as Tyrone does, or who was better with people in distress."

'Berto nodded. "I can believe it. As to the date, we'd like to get married as soon as possible. We love each other and that alone would be enough to speed us along, but ... well, maybe you could say it better, Toni. I'm still not much of a doctrine guy."

She smiled, and slipped his hand into the crook of his arm. "It's the matter of our living together. As you know, we're going to continue – not because we want to defy the church or the elders or God, but because in our hearts we're already married. But I'm still uncomfortable with it, a little – whether that's a remnant of my ... of when I behaved in my mind like a penitente, or whether it's the Spirit of God telling me that I'm not yet free of that sin, I don't know. But I know that once we're married, it will cease to gall me."

No one had to ask what Toni meant by comparing herself to a penitente. Everyone in New Mexico knew about those Catholics who beat their own backs with whips as a token of repentance. Jim nodded, and said, "All right. I'll check schedules – we have to be sure when the building will be available, and when Tyrone will be available. Um, would you want to have a separate wedding, or make it part of the regular Sunday service?"

"I didn't know we could make it part of the service," 'Berto said. "But we'd like to have it separate. We were thinking of a Saturday, so that we could come to church fresh from our wedding night." He blushed at that.