Chapter 15

'Berto

Roberto walked for an hour or so, and found that he was in turmoil at the end of it. He'd started out happy that he had Toni, but before long he'd found himself wondering what exactly that meant. I "have" her. But you can't own a person, right? That was right. There'd been a Civil War over that question, and the conclusion was that owning other people was illegal, and immoral. So "having" Toni didn't mean that she belonged to him that way – and, for that matter, he didn't want that. He knew it would destroy that about her which he loved. She was a gentle, sweet girl, but an independent one too. She had a mind and will of her own, as she'd shown that first night, taking him into her house and her life as calmly as if she did it all the time, though he knew she didn't.

Yet "have" was the right word. And that's where he bogged down. Did he merely like her? Certainly he did like her. He liked talking to her, looking at her, being with her. He liked the way her hair shone in the light, and bounced in her ponytail – that ponytail that arched out from the back of her head just like the tail of a colt. He liked that image, for she was indeed coltish, in the slender length of her bones that made her seem taller than she was, in the gentle joy she brought to her life, in the darkness of her big bright eyes. He couldn't think of a thing about Toni that he didn't like. Perhaps he'd find something eventually, but so far he liked it all.

But was that all? Did it stop with "I like you?" He didn't see how it could. Toni aroused feelings within him that he'd never known could exist. She made him feel more alive. The air was clearer, the lines of things sharper, the colors of it all more vivid, now that he knew her. And he knew that if tomorrow she told him to get out, that she no longer wanted to have anything to do with him, everything would be darker and drearier than it ever had been. It was as though suddenly his entire life had gained new strength, and he saw and heard and felt with greater power and sensitivity than ever before.

But he didn't know what to call it. He didn't know what to think of it. He knew that Toni was the most important person he'd ever known, and that even if he someday met kings and presidents she would remain the most important person he'd ever known. Yet beyond that he was lost. How do I think about her? What do I think about her? He could think of facts, but he couldn't put them together and form conclusions.

When I'm with her I'm so happy. She is the only woman who's ever been able to make me weepy. He smiled as he thought of that word he'd learned from Toni. She's the only one who I want to be with. She's weaned me away from alcohol and other women without ever saying a word about it – and without even trying to, as far as I can tell. She's done everything for me, without asking anything from me in return.

Well, that wasn't strictly true. She'd asked for a back rub that first night. She'd asked him to make a step involving some commitment, in inviting him to move in. But these didn't feel like things she'd asked of him, but things he'd have done on his own if he'd only thought of them. Whatever she'd received from him, it didn't feel liked she'd asked it of him, and in every case she'd given, he thought, more than she'd requested.

And there his mind seemed to skip a groove, and return to the starting point. He saw her in his mind – her big dark eyes, her smooth cheeks, her lips curved in a gentle smile, her slim build as she walked across the living room. And the momentous thought came to him: She has given herself to me. Not merely her house, not merely her body, not merely her life. She has given her self to me!

And that tangent took him down into more confusion. What do you call it when a woman becomes so utterly yours? What do you call it when it's her own free choice to do so? He knew he was lucky – but what was she, when she did such a thing? He could think of all sorts of descriptions, but none of them, he realized, got at the heart of it. There was something within her that brought her to such surrender, and he had no idea what to think of it, what to call it.

He turned back toward the apartment more confused than ever. And he knew that he had to figure this out. If his life with Toni was going to be anything, he had to get his thoughts and feelings straight. As he was now, she'd eventually realize he was all fouled up inside, and she'd want to know what was wrong – and he had no idea how to explain it all to her. It never occurred to him that she could, or would, help him to sort himself out. In his mind, he had to be ready with an answer if she asked – and better still, if he could he wanted to be calm and serene before she could realize there was a question at all.

Back at the apartment, he got into his car and pulled out of the parking lot. It was a short drive home, and he knew he'd be there before she arrived, especially since she had to stop off at Wal-Mart. He thought of meeting her there, but though he assumed she'd go to the one on Carlisle, she might not. He didn't think there was one that would be more convenient for her, unless she came home by way of San Mateo, and he wouldn't do that if he were coming from downtown – but he couldn't be sure. And in a store as large as a Wal-Mart Supercenter, the chance of him being able to find her before she got home would be vanishingly small. So he went on home, and parked his car along the curb, and sat on the steps in the afternoon sunshine while he waited for Toni.

Toni

The disadvantage of working the second shift was that she got home so late. Going to work at nine was great. Getting off at six wasn't so great. Still, it could have been worse – she could have been working in Supply Services, pulling night shifts. She knew the lady who did most of the night shifts upstairs, and while Elena was nice enough, Toni had no desire for that shift – none whatsoever.

This evening she was going to be even later getting home, as she'd told 'Berto. But it had entirely slipped her mind over the weekend that he'd need a key. They'd been together the whole time, and she'd used her keys without thinking ahead. So now she had to stop by Wal-Mart, and pay for a key – not that a key cost a great deal, but it was time and expense she would rather not have had. And they'd been at Wal-Mart yesterday, too...

She couldn't wait to get home to 'Berto. She knew he'd be waiting – they'd talked about it, and she thought he'd be eager enough to see her that he'd have beaten her home even if they hadn't. He was like a puppy dog in some ways – so young, so eager, so sweet, so playful. And yet he wasn't a puppy dog. He might be young and inexperienced in life, but he was a human being.

And that was good. A puppy loves you, but isn't smart enough to understand you. She knew that however much 'Berto might have to learn yet, he wasn't stupid. No, far from it; he was bright, if she was any judge of the matter. And so he might be panting on her step waiting for her to get home, but he'd do more than jump up and lick her face. He'd care how her day went, and what she wanted for supper, and how she intended to spend the hours before they went to bed.