Chapter 13

'Berto

When the alarm went off in the morning Roberto woke with no problems – no pounding head, no queasy stomach, no residue of drunkenness. It was his second morning in a row without a hangover, and he found he liked it. "I'd forgotten what it's like to wake up human," he told Toni.

He watched from the bed as she pulled on a robe over her nightgown, and tied the belt around her slim waist. With her hair loose around her shoulders and her face absolutely clean of makeup she looked like a child – especially in the robe, which utterly disguised her figure and gave her the boyish look she must have had before she entered her teens. But she's not a child, is she? No, she wasn't. She was young, yes, that was clear to his mind, but not a child. She was a young woman, but a woman.

And that got his mind moving, for all along he'd been thinking of her as a girl. As he got out of bed and padded to the closet for a shirt and pair of pants he realized that he had to revise his thinking – or more accurately, that his thinking had altered somewhere along the line. Okay, she's a woman, not a girl. She's still a young woman, in spite of her claim to be older than I think. No one who looks like that can be very old.

It really didn't matter, though. All that mattered was that he was with her. After those wasted months he now was with someone who engaged his interest and made him want to spend more than a few hours. It had already been more than a day, and he was more interested than ever. Leave Toni for someone else? Not hardly. And he chuckled to himself as he dug socks out of the drawer that Toni had cleared for him. Thus far he'd not brought much to her place, but he realized now that before it was over he'd be giving up his apartment. One drawer might not be enough, he thought. And that's a nice thing.

He tucked in his shirt and carried his socks out to the living room, where he dropped them on the end of the coffee table. Going on into the kitchen, he found Toni looking out the window at the backyard. He walked up behind her, putting his arms around her and kissing the top of her head. "What are you looking at, palomita morena?"

"You remembered!" Her voice was joyful. "I'm just thinking that spring is a very good thing when you're with someone you..."

"Someone you what?"

She swallowed, and she lifted her hands and clutched his arms where they held her. "Someone you care about."

That's not what she was thinking, he realized. But he also knew that she wasn't going to say more, not now at least. And caring about him was more than he'd asked for when he stepped into her house Saturday, and more than he'd ever gotten from any other woman. I'll take it.

He kissed her head again, admiring the shining smooth hair as it fell on her shoulders like a dark waterfall. "I care about you too, Toni."

"You do?"

"Can't you tell?" And he squeezed her tightly in his arms, his emotion sending him suddenly toward weepiness.

"I had been afraid to think it," she said. "I knew, I suppose, that you felt something more for me than you would for a ... a casual partner. But I didn't dare think that you might ... care about me."

"But I do, Toni. When I hold you like this, it's because I care about you. And even when I desire you, it's not just desire – it's desire for you."

"For me specifically, and not just for ... that?"

"For you specifically. I think right now that I'd be immune to anyone else."

He could see the corner of her mouth turn up, as he looked down along her wonderfully smooth cheek. "Just so long as you think of me and not anyone else, I'm happy."

"I do think of you, and I won't think of anyone else. How could I?"

Now Toni turned in his arms, putting her hands on his chest and looking up into his eyes. Her own dark brown eyes were big – bigger than average, and seeming enormous now under the impact of her sincerity. "That's good. This is my house, and no one comes here who I don't want here – not even in your thoughts, my lord."

"So you want me here?"

Now she smiled in earnest. "I'm immune to anyone else. The most gorgeous hunk on earth would not get past the front steps."

"I thought women weren't into the same things men are."

"In many ways, 'Berto, we're not. We want ... oh, I don't know exactly what we want. I'm not an expert. But I know what I want. I want someone who cares for me, and who is gentle and considerate, and who will not leave me for the next eager female. And 'Berto, you fit that description. That theoretical gorgeous man doesn't."

"I'm glad I do and he doesn't. If you went off with someone else..." And he was instantly weepy again.

"I won't, 'Berto – ever. If we ever do separate, I promise you it won't be because I took up with someone else."

He leaned down and kissed her lips. "That's good enough for me, Toni."

She nodded, their lips still almost touching. "What makes you happy, my lord, is what I wish to do. And now you need to eat your breakfast. I'd hate for you to be late for work."

It was a practical suggestion, and less appealing than continuing to hold her, but he knew she was right. She's so small, he thought as he sat down at the table, and it seems that I could break her in half barehanded. But I think if I tried, I'd find out she's steel inside.

He hardly tasted his cereal, though he knew distantly that it was good and that he was enjoying breakfast. His thoughts were on Toni, who was making coffee and setting a cup before him, and frying up a couple of eggs for herself. He smelled bacon too, and thought of how he liked bacon, but wasn't ready for it this early. I never thought I would have a woman taking care of me like this. But I like it.

But it was more than just liking it. Yes, he did like having Toni moving around, thinking of him, offering to pour more cereal into his bowl or warm up his coffee. But it was more than that. It was having Toni do these things that was so pleasant. I don't know what's going on here, but she's more than just what she called it, a casual partner. She's ... I don't know the word.

And he didn't know how to classify his feelings either. He'd gone from that flitting butterfly to settled monogamy in just a few hours, and now was as firmly in his one-partner condition as any married couple. Indeed, he knew that he was more committed to Toni than some of the married people he knew, who were prepared, even before the wedding, for contingencies that could only come about if the marriage came apart. He knew one couple who openly – each of them – hunted other partners, and seemed perpetually on the verge of divorce though they never considered that their flagrant promiscuity might have something to do with it. And here I am, staying with one woman, and perfectly happy that way. I might as well be married. And to his surprise that thought didn't create fear within him, but seemed pleasant and attractive.

He finished his cereal and looked across the table, where Toni was now sitting with her eggs and bacon. Her eyes are so bright, yet they're such a deep brown. She looked up at him and smiled, and his heart leaped in his chest and his insides drew together in a surge of emotion. I've got to think on things. I've got to sort myself out, here. And to cover his confusion he got up, putting his bowl and spoon and cup in the sink, and went out into the living room to put on his shoes and socks.

Toni

Something's happening between us, Toni thought as she watched 'Berto's retreating back. He feels it as much as I do, and doesn't understand it anymore than I do. She folded her hands and rested her chin on them. But I think I do realize it more than he does.

It was true. They both felt the emotional storms of it, but Toni had been there before, and her mind was better suited, by that experience, to understand that something was happening, even if she couldn't have said yet what exactly was happening. But I'm not going down that road. I am not going to open up that wound again. It's enough that I'm unclean, without reminding myself of why.

Yet even in denying herself the right to think about it, she used the language of that past. "Unclean," she'd thought just now. And at other times the words had been "wicked" or "sinful." She was still using that old vocabulary, the vocabulary of church. Suddenly her eyes pricked, and tears spilled out on her cheeks. I wish I could go back. I wish it with all my heart. It wasn't a prayer, not quite. But it wasn't just a thought either. Without thinking about it, without even allowing herself to think about it, she knew somehow that she had gotten somewhere between heaven and hell. And that is better than I've been in a long time. Between is better than being in hell.

She wiped her eyes and her cheeks, thankful that she hadn't put on any makeup yet, and got up from the table. She'd finished her breakfast, and now had to see 'Berto off to his job. But that's not how to put it, Toni Leti, she thought, grinning to herself. It's not a duty I have to force myself to, though I wish he could stay here for a week before I sent him off. No, I feel privileged to have this job. It was something she'd not known for a long time, and the domesticity of it thrilled her. I guess God intended me to be a wife, and I've got those instincts. If only I hadn't wrecked that...

But she wouldn't permit herself to think any further in that direction. It wasn't time for weepiness. If she had to cry, she'd have time after 'Berto left. For now, he deserved a happy woman, sending him off with a smile rather than with a long face. She composed herself, and found that she could smile simply by thinking about 'Berto, and stepped into the living room.

He was sitting on the sofa, looking out the front window. It was a bright sunny morning, one of those mornings that they put on calendars for the spring months. A bit of a breeze was blowing, and Toni thought it might be windy before the day was over, for it was, after all, spring in Albuquerque. But right now it was everything spring ought to be. The trees across the street were budding out, and the sun was shining, and she could hear birds singing all around the house.