Chapter 50: Decompression

16 July 2000 – Hilltop Road, Lancaster, Massachusetts

Jeff woke the next morning, surprised at how soundly he’d slept. He didn’t remember any nightmares; he supposed he’d been too exhausted to dream.

His tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth which tasted like a dirty sock. Jeff noted it was just after six in the morning and rolled out of bed without disturbing his wife. Keiko snored softly behind him. She must have picked up the uniform he’d left strewn across the floor last night because he didn’t see it. Jeff pulled some workout clothes from his bureau and dressed in the bathroom; there he ran a toothbrush around his mouth and swished a healthy amount of mouthwash around behind it.

Jeff disarmed the alarm and padded down the stairs, heading for the workout space they’d built with the house in ‘95. He was thankful for the wide range of workout equipment there but today he was interested in only one thing: the heavy bag. He wrapped his hands and slipped on the easy-close boxing gloves. He danced around the heavy bag to warm up. He threw light punches while his legs loosened. Soon the sounds of leather striking leather grew sharper, louder.

Blows rained down on the bag while Jeff kept moving. His shoulders were on fire as the muscles worked to keep up. He mixed in kicks to vary his attack. When he imagined the boyfriend’s face his polish disappeared; he stood toe-to-toe with the bag and threw punch after punch, kick after kick. Obscenities poured out of Jeff’s mouth while his punches and kicks grew less and less controlled, looking more like he was flailing at the bag. He continued until his fatigue caused him to collapse to his knees.

Jeff began to cry again, memories of the previous day’s call overwhelming him. The rubber floor mats under the heavy bag became his target; the floor gave much less than the bag did even with the padding. When his anger was spent, Jeff couldn’t lift his arms he was so tired. He sat back on his heels and stared at the ceiling. It took nearly ten minutes for Jeff to rise unsteadily to his feet and turn back to the house. He almost fell over when he stopped short.

“Your mother would wash your mouth out with soap if she heard what you just said.”

His former partner, Sean Brophy, sat perched on a stool ten feet way.

How did I miss him coming in? Jeff wondered.

“It’s a long drive for you from Melrose,” Jeff remarked while he took off the gloves and grabbed his towel, “especially if you’re gonna fire someone at the end of the drive.”

“Why would I fire you?”

“I assaulted three men yesterday, Sean,” Jeff pointed out.

“I have people to fire people for me,” Sean laughed to the older man, waving his hand in a dismissive manner. “Plus you defended yourself against two of them, ya big dummy.”

“That I ‘defended myself’ against the man in the lobby is a bit of a stretch,” Jeff retorted to which Sean gave dismissive shrug. “The third?”

“Shoulda kept his fool mouth shut.”

Jeff didn’t reply; he crossed to the refrigerator in the room where he grabbed a sports drink. He tilted it at Sean, offering it to him.

“Before coffee? Barbarian.”

Jeff shrugged, opened the bottle and drained it in one, long drink. He pulled another bottle from the fridge and motioned towards the main part of the house. Jeff started the coffee maker once in the kitchen; Keiko and the kids were still asleep at quarter to seven on a Sunday. Sean and Jeff said little while they waited for the brew to finish.

Once Sean poured each of them a mug he waved Jeff out to his deck. The skies were clear and the temperature already in the low seventies when they stepped outside. They sat in silence in the early summer morning.

Sean looked over at his friend. Jeff wore the same blank look on his face that Shawna LeStrange described to Sean when he talked to her on the phone last night. Looking closer Sean didn’t see a blank look but a haunted thousand-yard stare.

“Jeff? Jeff?” Sean’s call jolted him out of whatever daydream he was in; his head swiveled slowly to look at Sean. “There’s a CISD meeting at Station Five tomorrow afternoon. As your friend, I think you should go.” Jeff’s head swiveled back and he stared out across his lawn again.

“I’m fine,” he said in an unconvincing voice.

“And I’m calling bullshit!” Sean replied immediately; Jeff didn’t respond. “Fine doesn’t cause your reaction at Mass General. Fine doesn’t tell the dispatch manager to shove a call up his ass. Fine doesn’t need a ride home from MSP. Fine doesn’t beat the snot out of a heavy bag for ten minutes.” Sean took a breath.

“Fine,” he said in a softer, quieter voice, “doesn’t put that look on Sabrina’s face.”

Jeff jerked his head around in the direction Sean pointed. Sabrina, dressed in her pajamas and carrying her favorite stuffed Snoopy, stood on the other side of the glass door to the patio; she wore a hang-dog look she’d already perfected at age two. Her bright blue eyes locked onto Jeff’s while she stared at him. Sean walked over to open the door for her. She walked over to Jeff’s chair, climbed up, and curled up in his lap.

“Mommy said you were home early last night, Daddy. How come you didn’t come say g’night to me?” Jeff wrapped his arms around his daughter, stroking her black hair.

“I’m sorry, Princess. Daddy had a bad day at work yesterday, a really bad day. I went right to bed when I got home.” His arms wrapped themselves tighter around the little girl in his embrace; his eyes began to water again.

Jeff wanted desperately to protect Sabrina from every bit of evil in the world, but he knew that he couldn’t. There was silence on the deck again while the three reclined in the deck chairs. From what Jeff could tell Sabrina drifted back off to sleep, secure in the knowledge her Daddy would keep her safe; if only Jeff felt as confident in that fact as she did.

The sense of peace which started to settle over the trio was disturbed by an approaching herd of elephants -- Alex and Ryan. Jeff heard them come running down the hall; they opened the patio door chattering loud enough to wake the dead and bounded over to greet their father. Jeff hugged them as tight as he could without letting go of their sister.

“Boys, where’s your mother?”

“Their mother is right here.”

Keiko stepped into view, placing two fresh mugs of coffee on the table between the two chairs; the others had gone cold. She leaned down to kiss Jeff. He looked up at his wife in gratitude. There were so many things connected to this woman he was grateful for. She looked down at him with love in her eyes, and concern.

“Children, I have Bugs Bunny ready for you in the DVD player. Come into the living room and allow your father and Uncle Sean to continue their conversation.”

Alex and Ryan took off like a shot. Sabrina looked up at her father.

“Love you, Daddy,” she said before climbing down.

“I love you too, Princess,” Jeff replied in a whisper.

Keiko put a gentle hand on his shoulder. He grasped it, looking back up at his wife; she gave him a smile before picking up the cold coffee mugs and walking inside with Sabrina. Jeff watched them leave like it would be the last he ever saw of them.

“Jeff?” Sean asked. This time Jeff looked at him the first time Sean called his name. “What do you think? You gonna go to that meeting tomorrow? Shawna said she and everyone from Engine Five will be there.” Jeff didn’t answer right away and looked like he was going tell Sean he was fine again. Sean looked his friend in the eye. “‘I think the people who do this job need to talk about what we see; the stoic act is bullshit in my opinion.’” Jeff snorted.

“Where did you get that line of crap?”

“From you.”

“Excuse me?”

“From you, you moron. You told me that during my first shift after I came off training, almost seven years ago, remember?”

“Me and my big mouth,” Jeff muttered.

“It’s as true now as it was then.”

Jeff grunted in reply. Sean supposed it was better than no reply. Silence surrounded them once again.

“Breakfast, Daddy! Unca Sean!” Sabrina called from the door ten minutes later before scampering away. Keiko was making scrambled eggs for the children when Jeff and Sean entered. Jeff kissed each of his kids, hugging them tight. When he got to Keiko, he kissed her and hugged her for a long while.

Over breakfast Jeff learned that Sean drove out to Lancaster the previous evening; he’d spent the night in the guest room. Sean heard about both The Call, as Jeff was starting to think of it, and what happened at the Malden base. Sean chewed out his dispatch manager for ignoring an out of service status call without finding out why the unit was out of service; he then handed him off to his father for another ass-chewing. The manager drove a valuable employee, Sean’s best friend, away through his actions; either Sean or Seamus would have driven to an employee’s residence to check on how they were doing after such a call, regardless of who it was.

Sean and Jeff carried their refilled coffees into the home office after breakfast and closed the door behind them. Sean pulled out a hip flask and poured a healthy dollop of an amber liquid into Jeff’s mug, then his own.

“What the hell was that?” Jeff asked, raising his eyebrow at his friend.

“Jack Daniels. It’ll put some hair on your chest.”

“Hello? Half-Greek here, remember?”

“So, more hair on your chest.” Sean raised his mug in salute. “Sláinte!”

Jeff took a cautious sip of his coffee after shaking his head. The taste of the Lynchburg, Tennessee product was obvious and strong; it got his attention.

“Beth will be some kinda pissed if she has to drive out here and pick your sorry drunk ass up, you know?”

“She, Aiko and the kids will be here at ten,” Sean replied in a conversational tone.

“Excuse me?”

Sean glanced at his watch in an exaggerated manner; it was 9:33 a.m.

“They should be more than two-thirds of the way here by now.”

“You planned to get drunk this morning?”

“No,” Sean snorted. “The kids haven’t seen ‘Uncle Jeff,’ ‘Aunt Keiko’ or their ‘cousins’ in months; don’t get me started on how long it’s been since you’ve seen or talked to Aiko. You’ve got that huge yard out there, so we let the young’uns run around in the sunshine while the five adults gets caught up.”

“You’re an adult?”

“Only when necessary.”

Jeff grew silent and stared at the dark liquid in his mug.

“It might be necessary. Sean, I’ve exposed the company to huge risk through my actions yesterday...”

“Waking up and putting your feet on the floor every morning exposes one to risk, Jeff.”

“Sean...”

“Jeff...” Sean sat up straight and looked his friend in the eye.

“Asshole Number One has been charged with voluntary manslaughter, two counts of assault and battery on a child under fourteen, assault and battery on you and with being an all-around shitbag, which should keep him out of circulation for the next thirty years minimum.

“Asshole Number Two admitted he was wrong in trying to get in your way, especially once he knew what you and Shawna were dealing with at the time; we’ll have no more trouble with him. As for Asshole Number Three, have him do a call like that and then he can come talk to me.”

Jeff looked out the window to his yard and the trees in the distance. The trees swayed in a gentle rhythm in the breeze, which should have soothed him, but his thoughts were still troubled; closing his eyes allowed images of the girls in their apartment to return. Feelings of inadequacy still lingered from the realization that none of his treatments made Liliana any better. Again he asked the little girl for forgiveness.

“Jeff?” Sean called quietly; Jeff turned back to his friend. “Take some time off. This is clearly work-related as far as Dad and I are concerned, so you’ve got whatever time you need without having to burn any of your vacation time.”

“Need for what?”

“To answer the question whether this is still the right job for you and your family. The offer to be the Ops Manager of the new division is still there if you want it. I believe you are the best person for the job but you need to know if you still want it.”

“How do I mentor people after what happened yesterday?”

“You know what to look for, the potential triggers,” Sean replied with a shrug. “The staffing model I’m looking at is two paramedics per vehicle; those won’t be people new to EMS. Nobody’s immune to the reaction you had -- and continue to have -- but those folks should have good coping mechanisms that far into their careers. As part of the new division’s mission, we’re looking to have Army medics riding with our crews as much as possible, to give them exposure to civilian EMS as a potential option in post-Army life; those will be the folks you’ll need to caution.”

“You’re gonna lose those Army folks when they PCS or ETS. It’ll be a near-endless cycle. You’ll get maybe three years from any of them if you’re lucky.”

“PC-what?”

“Permanent Change of Station, PCS, or End Term of Service, ETS; when they leave Devens, if you prefer.”

“But they’ll have a viable civilian skill, if they want it. Part of the goal of the program is to develop a bridge class from military medic to civilian American Association for EMS EMT certification. My hope is to develop a bridge to AAFEMS paramedic certification, too.” The wheels started turning for Jeff.

“What about having AAFEMS EMT testing be part of the Army’s AIT for medics?”

“See! You’re already coming up with good ideas! Seriously, Jeff, go be a beach bum for a while, or a lumberjack or whatever, just not a medic for a while. And please think about going to the CISD meeting tomorrow; I’d rather see you in a good spot mentally than have you crash and burn, regardless of where you’re working in the future. What was that phrase you used with a young and naïve new EMT from Dixie?”

“‘It’s above my pay grade,’” Jeff and Sean said in unison.

Jeff impressed upon Sean, when the latter started at Brophy years ago, that as EMTs all they could do was their best; after that the patient’s ultimate outcome was out of their control. It was the most philosophical or spiritual Sean ever heard Jeff get.

“You’re right, Sean. Keiko and I will discuss where to go after everyone leaves today.”

Sean helped Jeff pick up his car after the family arrived; Jeff was able to drive home without any reaction. The day was blessedly normal. The adults relaxed on the patio while the kids chased each other for hours. Lunch was burgers and dogs, dinner was barbecued chicken. Jeff helped Sean load an exhausted five year-old Pam and three year-old Finn into their seats in Beth’s car after dinner; the Knox children were falling asleep on the couch inside. Hugs were distributed and a promise of a Knox family visit to Melrose extracted. Jeff walked Sean over to his car.

“Take whatever time you need, Jeff,” Sean urged before slipping into the driver’s seat. “Call when you know what you want to do, or if you just want to talk.” Jeff held Keiko’s hand while waving goodbye to their friends.

“It was good to see them,” Keiko said while leaning back into Jeff as they sat on the couch together; they’d just finished carrying their kids upstairs. “I wish the impetus for their visit was different, but I am glad they made the drive.”

“It was good to see Aiko and Beth again. We don’t go to Malden Hospital much from the south side of the river in Medford, so I don’t see Beth at work much anymore; most everyone wants to go into Boston from that side of the city. Sean told me the whole family was very happy to have Aiko stay with them when Tim was transferred to Vicenza.” Tim Arashiro, Aiko’s grandson, and his wife Jennifer relocated to Vincenza, Italy and the 173rd Airborne Brigade in March.

“She is settled there and enjoys being around Pamela and Finnegan.”

Aiko also told Jennifer and Tim that, as newlyweds, they didn’t need to be babysitting an old woman when they could be working on more great-grandchildren. Jeff nodded his agreement.

“Sean told me to take as much time off as I need to get my head straight. I’m on an open-ended vacation as far as the company’s concerned, though I don’t want to take advantage of Sean’s generosity. He and Seamus still want me to be the operations manager at the new division they’re starting in Ayer.”

“Is this something you feel you can continue to do, Jeffrey?” He sighed.

“I don’t know, Keiko; after yesterday, I just don’t know. I think we should go somewhere and just relax before I think too hard about going back. I also think Sean is right about the stress debriefing tomorrow afternoon. I know we can’t go away for too long with the beginning of August approaching; you need to start getting ready for the school year.”

“Trooper Manahan told me little about your call yesterday, but the news ran a brief story.” Keiko shuddered. “I still do not know how you do what you do, Jeffrey. The ugliness you see...” She shuddered again. Keiko held his hand while he held her around the waist. “Do you wish to go to bed early again tonight?”

“Not yet, Keiko. I want to hold you like this for a while, to remind myself that there are still good things in this world; you and the kids are that list of good things for me right now.”

The following day, Monday, Jeff called the friends he hadn’t spoken to in some time to try and catch up. Some weren’t home when he called so he left messages. Others, like Allison, were home and Jeff spent hours on the phone with them. Allison would go back to Palomar next month after more than a year as a stay-at-home mother. Pauline’s two kids were starting Second Grade and Kindergarten in the fall. Heather and TC were expecting their first child.

“I was beginning to think you’d lost my phone number,” Jack chuckled when he picked up. “I was beginning to get a complex.”

“‘Physician, heal thyself,’” Jeff quoted. Jack snorted.

“So what are you up to these days?”

“I’m gonna be taking some time off with the family.”

Jeff told Jack about the call in Medford over the weekend; his friend agreed that the CISD meeting, and time off to decompress, would be helpful. Jack had dealt with two similar cases during residency.

“When are you coming back?”

“We should be back here by mid-August.”