Chapter 13: Escape from the Outhouse

Rachel named our dog Duke because his droopy eyes reminded her of the late John Wayne. I don't know if Mister Wayne would feel honored, but the dog answered to his new name right off the bat. Duke took his self appointed task to guard his house and his family serious, right from the get go.

Every time one of the new security guards walked around the yard, Duke's head came up and he let out a small "wuff." His nose always pointed in the direction of the guard as he made his rounds outside.

Rachel answered the phone and handled our business matters on a day-to-day basis, which had become more and more complicated every day. Ralph engaged an accounting firm to handle investments and taxes. He informed us that idle money was wasted opportunity. Ralph was driven to make things happen.

Somehow, the money kept rolling in from the various appearances I made, from telephone interviews. Books and articles written by Ralph's staff writers with titles like "Will The Real Forrest Eden Stand Up?" and "The Wisdom Of Forrest Eden." That last was Rachel's idea. None of the books had anything to say, but said it well. Maybe that's why they sold so well.

As for Ralph, he was in and out on mysterious errands of his own. "You should try to keep up with me," he told us one day. There was one thing he was very clear about and said so in so many words, "I love it I'm the advisor to the wizard." Then he laughed and went on to some other task.

I made all the various TV appearances and answered the same stupid questions and laughed at the same stupid jokes so often I had trouble faking it. It amazed me to learn what empty headed individuals all too many media personalities were. The producers of the Jake and Cloris Show didn't like it because I freely admitted I had attended Christmas church services with Rachel and saw nothing wrong with prayer in public. "It's none of my business who someone talks to in public or anywhere else," I told Cloris.

Carmen Glitter hated it I wasn't gay and saw no reason to be. Others, especially the religious organizations, were put out because I would not take on the trappings of a modern day prophet of some sort. Everybody wanted me to be someone of their choosing and hated it when I demanded to be me and no one else. To me the ironically funny thing was, although they snarled and lambasted me for not living according to their expectations, they all paid big money for me to appear on their shows.

Carmen shouted at me when I refused to admit I was even a little bit gay, "I don't know why I even have you on my show"

"I bet it's because people like me better than they do you." I grinned smugly. My quote made the headlines. Of course the headlines in a few of the papers read something like, "Anti Gay Prophet Shows Bias." Also of course, every headline meant more publicity, which in turn meant friend Ralph was able to demand more and more money for my appearances and get it. I healed a few people "on demand," but found it took too much out of me on an emotional level.

There were the private healings, for want of a better term, but even these were limited. Injured children were where I focused my attention. We kept the publicity down by the simple expedient of not saying anything to anyone. Yet the stories leaked out, as some grateful person would tell another who told a reporter. The cynics called me a self-serving hypocrite. My answer to them was simple, "Why don't you do what I do and worry about yourselves?" Of course they couldn't so they carped and moaned and I went on with my own life.

Finally after a month of almost wall-to-wall appearances I said, "No more."

"No more what?" Ralph asked me.

"No more clown shows," I told him. "Rachel and I are going to be married on some bride and groom show. We agreed to it back before Christmas and we'll keep our word, but this is it. No more. Just as soon as that appearance is rescheduled and the arrangements made, we're through." I feel I should do something worthwhile and then, hopefully, this so-called gift will be taken away from me. It's what I would like to have happen right now."

"You really mean it, don't you?" Ralph looked at me closely. He shook his head in wonder.

Rachel broke into our conversation. "Forrest, there are two federal marshals here with a warrant for your arrest. You are being charged with interstate flight to evade justice. What do we do?"

"We call Abe and sue the federal government. Get him on the phone right now." This was irritating in the extreme. Abe settled all the different false arrest charges he brought against everyone who had anything to do with my earlier persecution. In return he agreed, among other things, to permit Salt Lake City keep its city hall. (For a price, of course.)

The child endangerment charges and the practicing medicine without a license charges were about to be thrown out of court and the State Of Utah was trying to make nice to me before I demanded title to the Great Salt Lake or the capital building. I wondered, why this federal charge? It was so patently absurd.

"You call no-one and you come with us," a voice said from behind me. I turned and saw two men in black suits standing in the doorway of my office.

One of the two stepped forward and grabbed me. Before I could protest a great black mass of fur and mean came blasting into the room. Duke clamped down on the wrist of the hand that grabbed me and jerked. The man went flying. The man's partner tried to pull his pistol from a belt holster. Duke made a leap and bit the hand grabbing for the gun. Ralph went over to the man and pulled the gun loose from its holster and stepped back.

The one who had grabbed me lay on the floor, moaning, He made a clumsy grab with his off hand in an effort to draw his weapon. Rachel had taken her ever-ready canister of Mace out of her pocket and gave him the same treatment she had given Hosmer that one time. In the interests of self preservation, I decided I was going to request she leave it at home when we went on our honeymoon.

"This deal stinks," Ralph said and grabbed up a desk phone. I faintly heard the "beepy beep" as he punched in a number. "Abe, Ralph. Get someone out here immediately. The feds are getting into the act. They just tried to arrest Forrest and failed. His big dog wouldn't let them."

"You are all under arrest," the second marshal yelled desperately, Duke was inches from the man's face, growling low.

"Let's see the warrant for his arrest," Ralph demanded.

"We don't need one, we're federal officers."

"I can't see," the one Rachel sprayed whined from the floor.

Rachel said, "Wait a minute, they showed me a warrant. I saw it."

"Who showed you a warrant?" Ralph asked.

"The one Duke wants to eat," she answered. "Here, I'll get it."

"Duke, shut up and get out of my way," she ordered and pushed the big dog to one side. He was reluctant, but gave way and Rachel reached inside the man's suit coat pocket and removed a folded paper.

"Well?" I asked. "What does it say?"

"Nothing," Rachel answered with astonishment in her voice. "It's a blank folded up piece of paper. He lied to me" She glared at the man.

"If you don't tell us what this is all about, their little puppy dog is going to eat you." Ralph was the angriest I have ever seen him.

"You wouldn't dare, we're federal officers," the man Rachel took the paper from said.

"Where's your ID?" I asked.

"We don't carry it on assignments like this," the one Rachel sprayed said.

"Search these jerks," Bill's voice came from the living room. "I was taking a nap and Posy woke me. Sorry, Forrest, I should have been here." He grabbed the first man and slammed him against the wall so hard I winced in sympathy.

He pulled a small badge case out of the man's inside suit pocket. He stared at it and shook his head. "Friends, meet Special Agent Herbert Crumm of the FBI." I tensed, this sounded worse. Then Ralph added, "Retired."

"Whaat?" Rachel and I said at the same time.

"We're on special assignment," the other "agent" said.

"Let's get this straight," Ralph said, "You have ID saying you're retired FBI, you come in here and try to arrest Forrest on a trumped up charge with a blank piece of paper for a warrant and now you say you are on 'special assignment?' Am I correct?"

"We work for some very important people," Crumm blustered.

"My wrist is broken and it hurts," the other one whined.

I looked at Rachel and she looked at me. We both grinned and said at the same time, "Call Jackson Parker." As I nodded she picked up the phone.

I said, "Let's sit and wait." Duke followed the two, watching them both very carefully as they went into the living room and sat on the couch.

We waited and Duke stared hungrily at the two bogus federal agents. It was a half hour before we heard a horn honking out front Rachel hurried to the door and looked out. "It's Jackson Parker with a whole crew."

She activated the gate. As soon as their van stopped, Jackson came bounding out with his ever-faithful cameraman right behind him. They now had a driver and an assistant. Those two status symbols told the world Jackson's star was rising. If this kept up, he'd have his own talk show. I shuddered at the thought.

"Whoa," Jackson exclaimed as he came in the front door, He saw two men in black suits sitting on the couch, Duke was in a low crouch looking back and forth between them, emitting a low continuous growl. His fangs were bared and the two men sat very still.

"Hot dog," the cameraman exclaimed, "this is a Pulitzer for sure." He did a slow pan of the terrified duo on the couch, down to a very ready to attack Duke and back up to the pair on the couch again.

"What have we here?" Jackson asked hopefully.

My no longer camera shy Rachel smiled at Jackson sweetly and greeted him with a gracious, "Oh, how nice of you to drop by. You know you are always welcome in our little home."

"Ah," Jackson said, "I thought you..."

Rachel interrupted him, "We seem to have another problem. You see those two men on the couch? Do you recognize either of them?"

"Well, the one seems familiar. He's an FBI agent or something, isn't he?"

"Oh, you mean Special Agent Crumm?" She paused dramatically and emphasized the next word, "Retired, by the way."

"Ah," said Jackson. "Why is he wiping his eyes? He looks like he's been crying."

"He has been crying because I sprayed him with a single girl's best friend, a canister of Mace. He tried to kidnap Forrest." She looked like a miniature Amazon standing there brandishing her Mace canister.

"Won't you get in trouble going around spraying retired FBI Agents? It has to be illegal, somehow. But since he was trying to kidnap Mister Eden here, maybe it's all right in this case. What about the other one nursing a ... His wrist is broken." I loved Jackson's firm grasp of the obvious.

"Meet Special Agent Herbert Peden, also retired. He grabbed Forrest and started to jerk him away. That's when our dog Duke protested." Rachel was in her element.

"Look, enough of this chit chat." Ralph became impatient with what he considered nonproductive chitchat. "You want to broadcast how two retired FBI agents tried to kidnap Forrest Eden? Isn't such a thing news?"

"Oh yes indeed it is news and as usual, when I cover a story from here it goes out live. Forrest Eden is always great news."

"Perhaps we can question them live on TV. What do you think?" There was my contribution to our conversation.

Suddenly the phone rang. "Would you answer the phone, Forrest?" Rachel asked.

I limped back into the office and sat down. I switched the phone over to my computer and said, "Hello?"

"Let those two idiots go free. If you don't you will be in a world of hurt." The voice had a harsh, wheezing quality. It made me think of a heavy smoker who quit too late.

Everything coming in over the phone line was recorded directly onto a special hard drive on my main computer. The very second the man started talking I let it go out through the computer speakers. The cameraman came close and aimed the camera at me. I knew there was a pickup mike in the camera and it recorded sound along with the picture. I didn't know how legal I was with what I was doing but it worked fine when I was alone.

Jackson brought his microphone over and every wheezing syllable was picked up and sent to the TV station. "Did you hear what I said?" the voice demanded.

"Who is this?" I demanded. "Are you some crank?"

"If you don't let them go, your wife will get hurt. I mean it." There was a pause and then he hoarsely yelled, "You are recording this conversation!?" There was a loud click and the voice was gone.

"Bill, get the FBI. You know what to do more than I do. These guys are our witnesses." I paused a moment and added, "I want four armed guards out here around the clock. The voice threatened Rachel. I also want two mean women guards with Rachel whenever she leaves the house to go to town."

"Don't you think you might be over reacting, Forrest?" Ralph had kept quiet until then.

"Ralph, what kind of a person can hire ex FBI agents to run his errands, including kidnapping?" I was scared and excited and angry. Rachel was my weak spot. The mysterious person who just called thought Rachel and I were already married for some reason.

"Someone who is rich and has contacts with the government, someone who is rich and powerful. You're right." Ralph thought a moment and repeated, "You're right."

I forgot about the camera and Jackson. But he hadn't forgotten about us. Every word we said was going out live. "Forrest, if someone is rich enough to hire ex-federal agents, what would be his reason to kidnap you? You're not real rich, are you?"

"I believe some rich man needs to be healed or cured of a dread disease and is afraid to let his true condition be made public." Rachel seemed pretty much on the mark. "Oh, Forrest, if you cure whoever it is, do you think he'll just go away and leave us alone?"

"You want to take a chance? I don't." I looked at her and smiled, "Rachel, I don't want to live if you aren't a part of my life."

Tears welled up in her eyes and she kissed me. "Me too, my dearest, me too."

The phone sounded again and I switched it through the computer. "Yes?" I asked.

"You don't get it." It was the wheezing voice again. "I meant what I said. My people are everywhere. I can get anything I want. Now let those two bungling fools go or face the consequences. Your wife..."

I interrupted, "You aren't quite as omniscient as you want us to believe. In the first place we aren't married yet. But you thought we were. Whoever gets your intelligence for you must not be very intelligent to make such a mistake. You have business with me, come to the house. Call first and I'll tell you if I am receiving. Now go suffer." I hung up.

Bill came back into the room. "The sheriff's department has dispatched two deputies to come for these two. The FBI wants to interrogate them at the lock up and not here."

Jackson recorded everything. His cell phone sounded and he answered it. He listened, told someone okay and hung up. In a puzzled voice he said, "We're out of here. We have orders to go cover a wreck up in Murray. Thanks for the story, Forrest." He waved and left with his crew.

"Hmmm, very strange," Ralph muttered half under his breath. "They have an a big unfolding story of a failed kidnapping attempted by two ex-federal agents and they pull the plug on a hot breaking story like this for a car wreck in Murray? There is something very smelly here."

The phone rang and Bill picked it up, "Yes?" He grunted and said, "The wheezer is back." He handed me the phone.

"Hey, Retardo, I don't know what you want from me but whatever it is you picked the wrong way to go about it. You must be desperate to go to all these lengths to intimidate me. What happens if I refuse to do whatever it is you want? Time is on my side, so I'll just sit back and wait. Can you do the same?" I hung up.

"Forrest You shouldn't challenge the awful person. What is going to happen now? He might do something to harm us if you keep getting in his face." She caressed my cheek and said, "Oh Forrest, I don't want anything to happen to you."

I looked up at her and agreed. "Hon, I don't want anything to happen to either of us. But whoever it is playing these mind games with us is either a nut or he desperately wants to remain anonymous. To me it means there is a good chance we wouldn't be alive very long after the fact if I do whatever it is he wants. I am not willing to take a chance."

Ralph interrupted, "I am afraid Forrest is right. Either the caller is a crank or we are dealing with someone powerful who has a hidden agenda. Either way it could be bad trouble for us. We have to get you two into hiding."