Chapter 5

"I don't know how long I carried her lifeless body through the wilderness. I was so unaware of my surroundings that I don't even know when I dropped her head never to be seen again. I walked, stumbled and ran so long, that I went from subconsciously making my way through the daunting wild, to being unconscious on the ground in a heap with the remnants of my love and sanity."

In the middle of the night Christopher wakes without memory and reaches out for his baby sister and touches her and says, "Baby girl, you are so cold. Come here, cutie pie." And he pulls her close to him holding her tight throughout the rest of the night.

Memory floods back to him in his dreams and he wakes with a stifled sob. He gets up without looking at the remains of his life, and stumbles his way around the first rock outcropping he comes to.

"I dropped to my knees and pulled my contaminated sword out. I put the hilt to the rock outcropping and the point to my heart and started moving forward slowly, but forcefully. I wanted to make sure I experienced this whole heartily with my eyes wide open."

Christopher could feel his sword break through the skin, but he couldn't feel the warmth of his blood running down his body because for one he was already covered in blood and gore, and also because this damn world no longer holds any warmth for him at all.

"Just before my last thrust, I allowed myself to think of Sarah and I started sobbing uncontrollably, and when I bowed my head in defeat I went forward slightly. I could feel the point of my sword grating on my rib bone. I don't know why, especially since I thought I could no longer feel pain, but the pain brought clarity to me that only Sarah had brought to me before. My sadness and oppression turned to anger, and then my anger turned to murderous rage and resolve. I altered my vow from protecting Sarah with my life to avenging her with theirs."

Christopher doesn't know how long he kneels there with the point of his sword digging into his rib bone, but it is the flashes of the faces of the people that had turned them away and the enemy soldiers that started this that gets him to his feet. He half heartily wipes his sword off, sheaths it and looks around. He realizes that he has wandered so far that he doesn't know where he is.

"I was definitely lost."

From the chill in the air he figures it is still morning, and by the angle of the sun he estimates the direction of which he believes he will find civilization and his vengeance.

Christopher walks for most of that day heading southeast, but has to stop when he can't see where he is going anymore because of the tears in his eyes. He didn't even realize he was crying, and he thought he had put the last day and a half out of his mind.

"In fact I was sure I was lost in space and time."

It isn't until he stops this time that he realizes he doesn't have his boots on. His feet are sore, swollen and bleeding, but the pain again brings a crystal clear clarity to him that he thought was long gone from his fading mind and sanity.

"I steeled myself so rigid that I would only cry one more time in my life for her. It would be years, and the reasons would finally be mine, and it would be on our shared birthday."

Christopher has no clear plan other than to embrace the darkness that is slowly enveloping him. Hours turn into days and days turn into weeks. He has no doubt that he is still lost, and he is sure when he is cognizant enough to care that his direction and journey often takes him away from his destination as much as it is leading him to his destiny and end.

"I had thought several times that I was being followed, and I could swear I could still feel Sarah next to me, smiling up at me like she often did with those big beautiful brown eyes of hers."

It is about a week into his journey that he realizes it is the little red fox that is following him. It takes another couple of days to get it to come into one of his temporary camps for the night.

"It looked at me with alarm and wrinkled its nose in disgust."

It takes Christopher a while to figure out that he still has not washed the blood and gore from his body and clothes.

"Nothing could ever wash away the blood and gore that covered my soul."

Soon Christopher has to admit it is nice to have a familiar companion, and to know that something survived that bloodbath, but not even that brings joy back into his being.

In my dreams

She is still alive

Hand and hand frolicking through the galaxies

Tonight by the starlight

We laugh and live

Here my pain fades away

Here my hopes and dreams for her

Are once and again the same

Mesmerized by the beauty that I see

Those big brown trusting eyes guiding me

I hope I can stay right here

For all eternity

"I sat up and screamed at the top of my lungs."

The red fox that Christopher has named Chaos runs off.

"Lies, lies, I'm tired of my dreams lying and betraying me. They don't bring joy into the light of day. They only bring full force my failure to save her."

Christopher then screams, "I don't want to sleep anymore. If any part of creation can help me, please, please, destroy me."

Then Christopher thinks with a smile that his time will come, but not before those that have done this to him, to them, to her.

"Remember, remember, this time my vow will hold true."

No one of good sense and heart will blame the teenage boy that is Christopher. They cannot expect him to succeed against such evil.

"I also bet that no one would have ever thought in a million lifetimes that I'd be the one to deliver the killing blow."

And now, though far too late, Christopher understands that he allowed himself to relax and embrace goodness once more.

"I will never make that mistake again. I will become the darkness that has tainted my world and me. I will happily look it in the eyes of my enemy and shove my sword so deep and wide, that not only will my enemy suffer before they die, but their soul will scream as I send it to the abyss which exists beyond hell and time."

"Why? Why! Why, when all I ever wanted to be was an honorable warrior of a man and to embrace the great gift the universe gave me when Sarah was born, would the universe laugh at its own sick joke as it pulled the rug out from under my feet and watched me fall?"

So Christopher makes a new pledge, "To the abyss with you universe. I will show you just how far a human can fall. I will show this accursed existence just how dark a soul can become. I will lay waste to those who brought this horror upon me, and to those who did nothing. For my failure I will damn my soul so deep and dark that my punishment will be eternal and savage."

As Christopher phases in and out of awareness, he will now and again remember that he has no boots and that his time in these mountains is only going to get harder as his condition worsens and the season wears on. Every once in a while he'll catch a glimpse of Chaos, his little red companion of a fox, but he keeps his distance.

"Perhaps he could see or feel my fall further into despair and hatred."

Maybe he or she, Christopher never does find out for sure which, can tell he is becoming dangerously hungry. Sarah had taught him about some of the plants that are edible and the ones dangerous to eat.