Chapter 9

Since I was in Asheville, I decided to try to kill two birds with one stone. I didn’t know if Dr. Rothstein would be available, but his office wasn’t that far out of the way, and if he was, it meant Kat and I could move ahead with ... whatever our new relationship was going to be.

The building was just as impressive as the last time I’d come here, with its white stone and glass exterior, looking just as fancy as I’d want a shrink’s business to look. There were a lot of other businesses in the building, of course, most with names that gave no clue as to what they actually did, but he occupied a good chunk of the fourth floor.

Strangely, just like the other times I’d been here, I noticed an antiseptic smell like you’d find in a regular doctor’s office. I wondered, briefly, if there was some kind of generic, antiseptic room deodorizer or something all doctors used, regardless of specialty, to get them all to smell basically the same.

I checked in with the receptionist, an older woman with cat-eye glasses perched on her nose, who told me Dr. Rothstein was just finishing up with a patient and I could take a seat. I found one of the cushiony chairs and pretended to look through a random magazine while I waited. Instead, my mind was jumping all over the place. What exactly I’d say about what happened between me and Kat, what exactly was happening between me and Kat, and how sick Willie had looked.

Thankfully, I didn’t have to stew for long.

Ten minutes later, the receptionist called my name and said, “The doctor will see you now.”

I’d been there before, but she still directed me to Dr. Rothstein’s office, the small light on the outside shining a dull green, I guess indicating it was okay to go inside.

“Come on in, Charlie. Have a seat,” Dr. Rothstein said, looking up from his desk.

Although he had the stereotypical couch with a padded chair next to it, I guess where he sat across from his patients, I chose one of the more uncomfortable chairs sitting in front of his desk.

“So, what brings you by today?” Dr. Rothstein asked, folding his hands on top of a stack of patient files. “You didn’t call ahead. Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, everything’s okay, but something happened between me and Kat and I thought you should know,” I said, and then hesitated a second. “We ... uhh, we kissed.”

“I know. Kat called me earlier today to tell me. Apparently, you told her you wouldn’t go any further until after you both talked to me and got the go-ahead.”

“I thought it was for the best,” I said. “I think we’re okay, but I wanted to make sure I wasn’t causing any damage or anything. Based on what we talked about the last time I was here.”

“Let me hear it from your side. Walk me through what happened.”

“It was on the last night of the trials. She’d done really well and managed to make the Olympic team in every event she entered, so we went out to celebrate. Hanna had ... I don’t know what was going on with her, but she wanted to call it a night early, so it was just me and Kat. We got back to the hotel after having dinner and just walking around the city, and didn’t want to call it a night, so we headed back to my room to talk some more. We were just talking about stuff, like always, and she told me she loved me.”

I paused to see if he was going to say anything, but he just sat there, a neutral expression on his face.

“Anyway, I wasn’t surprised. I’ve known that she has feelings for me, but ... things have been different lately. Anyway, I realized I felt the same way. We were sitting close and just kind of ... kissed. We fell asleep in my room together, but nothing beyond that happened.”

“Have the two of you talked about this development since then?”

“We really haven’t had time. Hanna was with us on the drive home, and then there was a welcome home party. When we did have a moment, I told her I thought we both should talk to you first, before we went any further. She was pissed and went to bed then and was gone this morning when I was up.”

“When you say things have been different lately, what do you feel has changed?”

“Lately, Kat’s been standing up to me more, disagreeing with me, saying no. And it wasn’t just to show she was disagreeing with me or an exercise in standing on her own or anything. We’ve had some real arguments about stuff we really disagreed on. Afterward, she didn’t have any panic attacks, she didn’t get upset. If anything, she mostly just stayed annoyed that I wasn’t listening to her. That, along with how she expressed herself this time, I really felt like this wasn’t her condition talking. That’s progress, right?”

“Yes, that’s definitely progress,” he said. “I’m glad you were thinking of her well-being by wanting to hold off on anything further until we could discuss it. Even in the heat of the moment, you showed maturity and that you care for her. I should tell you that Kat told me she’d planned on telling you her intentions before you left on your trip. While I have been happy to see her making progress, I’ll be honest, I wasn’t thrilled with her plan and had recommended against it.”

I shifted in my seat, discouraged.

“Don’t get me wrong, the progress Kat has made is remarkable,” Dr. Rothstein continued. “But a full recovery from her condition typically takes much longer. I believe she is trying to convince both you and herself that she is further along than she may actually be; perhaps out of an eagerness to have this relationship.”

“Honestly, I do have some reservations,” he said, steepling his fingers together on top of the desk. “While Kat has come incredibly far, this is an extremely rapid progression given the severity of her prior trauma. My concern is that she may be glossing over lingering issues in her haste to obtain something she wants deeply.”

I nodded, seeing his point. As much as I wanted to be with Kat, I didn’t want to risk hurting her recovery.

“However,” Dr. Rothstein went on. “I’m not saying you two exploring a relationship is something out of the question. If, that is, it’s taken very slowly and with care. She has advanced to a point where I believe she can healthily manage the new complexities this would bring, and possibly even benefit from being pushed into an area that was, before, a refuge from her anxiety. That being said, you would need to remain vigilant for any signs of her reverting to overly acquiescent behavior or failing to stand up for herself with you. I understand that’s a tall order to place on a teenager, and I wouldn’t normally advocate for this approach. Not that I doubt your ability, but because I’m not sure any non-professional should be put in charge of managing someone else’s condition.”

With every sentence, I bounced back and forth between thinking he was saying we could go for it and telling me I shouldn’t. At this point, I wasn’t even sure what he was recommending.

“Kat has made it abundantly clear that she is going to do this one way or another. Any attempt on my part to deter her from pursuing this relationship would likely result in her halting treatment altogether.”

That did sound like Kat, or at least the real Kat I was getting to know as she slowly shed her anxiety. She could be very stubborn, and once she set her sights on something, she’d burn down anything that got in her way.

Dr. Rothstein gave me a wry half-smile and said, “In some ways, her willingness to defy me over this matter also demonstrates meaningful growth. However, I do have concerns about the impact on her ongoing therapy and recovery. It’s a delicate line we’d be walking.”

“I’m not sure what you’re saying. Should I tell her okay, we can date, or should I tell her no?”

“I’m not going to tell you what choice to make, since that’s up to you. What I’m saying is that I don’t believe it will directly stop or reverse her recovery. It will make it more challenging, to be sure; but I think, given where she is now, it will only alter how we approach it from now on.”

“Okay,” I said, actually breathing out a sigh of relief.

While I might have put a brake on things, the more I thought about it, the more I realized I really did want to date Kat.

“I do want to offer a word of caution. Just because she’s doing better doesn’t mean she’s cured. She’s going to have anxiety attacks and will need support, and you need to be careful to only offer support, while not offering her a chance to slide back into old habits. It’s going to require patience, communication, and putting Kat’s wellbeing first ... even over what either of you may want for yourselves in the moment.”

“I can handle that,” I said.

“Good. Additionally, if you do see her backsliding, I want you to tell me. Not if she’s having anxiety, but if she’s requiring you to take on her decision-making and responsibility in order to deal with that anxiety.”

“I can do that,” I said. “Thanks, Dr. Rothstein. I know this is going to be a challenge, but ... I’ll be honest, I’d hoped you would say it’s okay.”

“Kat didn’t leave me much choice,” he said. “How are you doing? Kat told me about all of the stuff that happened with your parents and everything else. It hasn’t been that long since their deaths. How are you handling it?”

I paused halfway out of my chair, surprised by the question.

My first instinct was to just say I was fine, but then I heard myself say, “Honestly? I’m angry. I know that probably sounds bad, but it’s the truth. I’m angry at my dad for ... for obvious reasons, I guess. But I’m also angry at my mom for letting things with my dad get as far as they did. I’m angry at Sydney for leaving me the way she did. I’m angry at Aaron’s dad for using my parents’ deaths in his campaign to get revenge for ... I don’t even know what. I’m angry at the label for dropping me, and I’m angry at the legal system for dragging things out so long. I’m angry at all the adults who knew what was going on but didn’t do anything to stop it.”

I took a breath, but now that I’d started, it was like floodgates had opened, and I couldn’t stop.

“I’m not saying I’m angry at the whole world. I get that most of this wasn’t really about me. My dad was a broken man and an alcoholic. My mom suffered from years of abuse and had her own issues from that, which she couldn’t get past. The label’s only real job is to care about its bottom line, and I knew that going in. I can see why they’d think I was a problem for them financially. I understand why Sydney broke up with me, even if I think her dad shouldn’t have gotten involved like he did. Hell, I even understand that Aaron’s dad’s hatred and campaign against me probably had more to do with his own screwed-up family than it did with me in particular.”

Shrugging, I added, “I guess I’m saying I understand why all this happened on some level. Mostly, I’m trying to keep it from making me bitter. I can’t control what everyone did or didn’t do. All I can control is how I deal with the aftermath. Sitting down and sulking is just letting them win, you know?”