Chapter 30: I’ll Never Stop Loving You

SSLEEP NOW. SSLEEP AND HIDE. SSLEEP AND WAIT. SSLEEP ... AND THEN WAKE ... WHEN TIME COMESS ... TO CONSSUME ALL.

Ryan made his way to his assigned hospital chambers. He still felt a little stiff, and the doctors said he shouldn’t leave the hospital wing until they ran some more tests. Ryan didn’t want to leave as long as Éclair was in the hospital wing anyway. The first thing he did when he could move was order some flowers and track down her room. He didn’t want to talk with her, not after what he almost did. He just wanted to drop some flowers off while she slept. And then he finds her in the arms of his romantic rival. One silver lining, Ryan was able to keep himself under control. He felt like he had greater self-discipline now in spite of his Saurian instincts. Maybe it came as a result of sleeping next to the most beautiful woman in the universe for months, and keeping himself from making a move on her. Still, that wasn’t much of a comfort. He could stop himself from killing Leon now, but that didn’t change the fact that Leon had the one thing Ryan wanted most. Topping off this interesting venture was a little visit from Super Santa and the schoolgirl pirate.

Yup, thought Ryan tiredly, drained both emotionally and physically. Seems like a full day to me. I’ll just hit the hay for a while and process later.

As Ryan opened his doors, which vanished in a shower of flames as many Fire Ministry doors did, he found Éclair sitting on the edge of his bed. Even in a dull blue medical gown, she was no less magnificent. Ryan could see the bandages around her throat where he choked her, as well as the bandages peeking out from her blouse that covered her chest wounds. His heart sank even further as he remembered their final moments together back on the Minister’s ship. Regret welled up inside him as he turned to leave.

“Wait,” called out Éclair as she raised a hand towards him.

Ryan slumped his head against the rim of the door with his back to Eclair, feeling more ashamed than he ever remembered feeling. “You shouldn’t be here, Éclair,” said Ryan in a trembling voice. “I almost killed you.”

“It wasn’t you,” consoled Éclair soothingly. “It was the Horde Mother. There was no way you could’ve known.”

“Yes, there was!” exclaimed Ryan. “I knew the Horde Mother was different from the other Parasites! I should’ve got myself checked out right as I came aboard! I should’ve been the one executed ... not Gumar!”

“Don’t talk that way,” she said with her voice breaking. “You have no idea how much it hurts me to hear you say things like that about yourself.”

Ryan growled softly as he suppressed a sob. I can’t be around her right now! I can’t ... not after everything that’s happened ... everything I’ve learned! Then he took a step out the door.

“Ryan, please wait!” said Éclair loudly, almost yelling.

Ryan clenched his eyes shut, gritted his teeth, and flexed his fists. He knew he should leave, but he couldn’t. Even now, he couldn’t refuse a command from her. She was in his blood. He’d do anything she asked of him, even if it broke his heart along the way. He stopped at the threshold of the door and listened as she rose from the bed and padded softly towards him on light feet. She touched him on his back, and he flinched away from her touch. He spun around and backed away as she slowly advanced towards him. Her violet eyes pleaded with him desperately as she reached out for him yet again. She caressed his shoulder gently, and he didn’t pull away from her.

“Please,” repeated Éclair softly. “Just sit and talk with me like we used to. Just ... please, just one last time.”

So she admits that this is the end of our relationship, thought Ryan in mental agony. Good. It’s better that way.

Ryan let Eclair lead him slowly to the edge of the bed, and they sat down together with reserved postures. They just stayed like that for a time. It reminded Ryan of the days they spent in the cave and on North Star ... some of the most terrifying and wonderful days of his young life. After a few moments of waiting, Ryan decided to break the silence.

“Where’s Leon?” he asked, trying not to sound bitter.

Éclair lowered her head, trailing her hand down her long hair nervously. “He’s debriefing with Saria after I told him everything that happened to us. He didn’t want to go, but I said that I needed to rest.”

Ryan chuckled faintly. “Never took him as the doting type.”

“He’s changed a lot since we saw him last. It might take a while to get to know him again.”

“It’ll take a while to get to know all of them again,” Ryan commented.

Éclair chuckled somewhat sadly. “I still can hardly believe it myself. Being back, and after so long. Over four months.”

“More than that,” said Ryan. “You were right when you assumed the days were longer on that planet near Black Star we were trapped on. Besides that, the doctors told me we’ve been out for a few weeks. In total, we’ve been gone for more than six months.”

Éclair turned to him, startled. “That long?!”

“I only just woke up myself,” admitted Ryan. “Some of the pirates are still recovering. I think the strain of the virus was much more powerful down there. It took longer to purge it completely from our systems than when Zand did it.”

Éclair sighed, bringing her knees up and hugging them against her chest. She always did that when she was feeling vulnerable. “Ryan, there’s something I-”

“I should go first,” interrupted Ryan.

Éclair blinked in surprise, but then she nodded at Ryan’s interjection.

“Listen, there’s ... there’s something I should’ve told you a long time ago, and it may change your mind in wanting me to stay. I...”

Ryan growled, balling up a fistful of sheets as he struggled to find the strength to admit his confession. Éclair trailed a hand gently up his arm in encouragement. Strength coursed into him from her touch.

“It’s alright, Ryan. We’ve shared more than one secret with one another these past months.”

Ryan closed his eyes and continued. “I meant to tell you while we were with North Star. Remember my fight with Grafael at the exam? Well, during our match, he showed me a vision through some sort of ... Saurian mind meld thing, or something.”

Éclair gasped softly and nodded in understanding. “The Third Plane. It has been said that some Saurian warriors could access a spiritual realm of the mind during battle. A state of heightened awareness.”

“Yeah, well, while we were in that trance together, he showed me a vision. He told me the reason he kept his Elemency suppressed for all these years.”

“Yes, I remember his transformation on the Fallen’s ship,” she said. “I’ve been conducting a private study of his blood to see if I may determine the mysteries behind this Berserker Strain ... what might cause it, when it will occur, or if it will happen again. My tests have produced mixed results. I honestly don’t know if he will turn into a Berserker again or not. But if he does, I’m sure I can help him revert back to normal just like last time.”

“That’s the thing. His vision wasn’t about him going Berserker, it was about me,” admitted Ryan painfully. “He saw me ... hurting you. That’s why he wanted me to leave the Fire Ministry. He only let me stay because I agreed to put him down if he went Berserk again, and he promised to do the same for me.”

Éclair flinched slightly, taken aback as she turned away from Ryan, hiding her face from him.

A tear traced down Ryan’s cheek and landed on the bed in between the two of them. “And now you almost died because of me. If anything, it means that the vision could be true. You’re at risk so long as I stay with you. You should ask me to leave. I don’t deserve to be a part of Squad 99 anymore.”

Éclair spun on Ryan so fast that he pulled back slightly. “Don’t you say that! Don’t you dare say that to me now after what we survived! Black Star, the Parasites, and the Horde Mother! Do you think for one moment we could’ve done any of that without each other? When are you going to get it through your thick skull that I need you by my side, Ryan?!”

“Éclair,” growled Ryan, getting annoyed. He really didn’t want to tell her the next part, but she wasn’t leaving him much choice. “There’s something else. I have ... Dragon instincts now. It’s a version of Saurian puberty. Before we left, I ... I almost attacked Leon because I was jealous of him.”

Éclair’s eyes widened a bit as she whispered, “That’s why ... that’s the feeling I got when you were being so moody. That’s why you didn’t fight Leon during that round of Wildfire.” Éclair looked down to her feet briefly, and then back to Ryan. “Is it still like that? Do you still suffer those impulses?”

Ryan growled again, rubbing his eyes. “It’s ... it’s not as bad as before. I think I can control it better, but that could change. I could be dangerous to both you and Leon. Besides, I don’t see that as an excuse for what I almost did. Leon ... he’s my friend. We may not always get along, but he’s still my friend. What kind of pathetic piece of shit considers attacking a friend for something like that? And if I can’t control myself there, I might not be able to control myself in other areas. I might not be able to control myself around you.”

Éclair put a hand to Ryan’s cheek, forcing him to face her. “And these instincts ... the mating instincts of the Dragons ... they must’ve stayed with you while we were trapped together. Yet, never once did I feel unsafe when I was with you. Grafael has told me of these instincts, but unlike the Berserker Strain, they are controllable. You’ve already shown that they are.”

“Damn it, Éclair!” Ryan snapped as he jerked away from Éclair’s hand. “I almost killed you! And if you don’t let me go, I might do it again!”

Ryan stood up from the bed and stalked away, but Éclair swept his feet out from under him with a kick. Ryan fell to his back, and Éclair sprang onto his chest and held him to the ground by his shoulders. Ryan easily pushed her off with his one moveable arm, rolling around and pinning her to the metal floor instead. He sat there panting with his good hand at the side of Éclair’s head. They stayed like that, breathing heavily for a short time, the intensity of their exchange already exhausting both of them as they met each other’s gaze. Realizing that Éclair’s body was pinned beneath him, Ryan rolled away feeling embarrassed.

Éclair rolled on her side and gave him a gentle smile as she lay next to him. “You see, Ryan? You could never hurt me. I know that, and so do you. If you were ever going to lose control with me, you would’ve done it by now.”

Ryan grunted, and said, “It still doesn’t change the fact that you almost died because of me.”

“Then perhaps the prophecy has already been fulfilled. Either way, I know you belong on Squad 99 with us.” Éclair put a hand to Ryan’s shoulder, speaking softly. “Besides, what happened to you was more my fault than yours.”

“Your fault?!”

“Yes,” admitted Éclair, a bit of shame in her voice. “I was the one who dragged you to that dreadful planet in the first place. I was the one who made you fight the Horde Mother alone. I even applied first aid treatment on the wound she gave you. I should’ve seen it then, but I didn’t. You nearly lost your arm and so much more because of my negligence. Can you ever forgive me?”

“Éclair,” said Ryan, shaking his head, falling deeper in love with her with every word she spoke, and deeper into despair. “You can’t have ... I mean, there’s no way-”

“Ryan,” said Éclair firmly. “Please say that you forgive me.”

Ryan shook his head one last time and sighed deeply. “You’re forgiven, of course.”

Éclair let out a breath of relief. Then she got up and lifted a hand down to Ryan, helping him to his feet. She led him back to the bed and they sat down together.

“Ryan, you should know,” started Éclair uncertainly as she rubbed her hands together, her posture now nervous for some reason. “There’s ... there’s something I need to tell you as well.”

“Something you can’t tell Leon?”

Éclair took in a deep breath and raised her head. “I ... I need to tell you ... I remember.”

“Remember what?”

“I remember,” she started indecisively. “What it felt like to ... to love Leon. I need to be with him now, and he ... he needs me. For the first time ever, he needs me. It’s rather strange, being needed by someone. I feel like I’m the one in need here.”

Ryan leaned forward, placing his hands on his knees and doing his best to suppress his jealousy. “I’m glad for you, Éclair. I really am. Leon has always cared a lot about you. He’ll be good to you.”

Ryan sat up to leave, but Éclair held him in place with a hand on his chest. “That’s it? You’re glad for me? That’s all you have to say?”

“What else do you want me to say?”

Éclair inhaled sharply, her voice breaking with emotion as she said, “I don’t know! I don’t know anything anymore! I used to know everything. I knew what I wanted out of life. I knew where I belonged ... who I belonged with. But then you came along, and now I doubt everything ... everything I was once certain of. I don’t trust myself enough anymore to make a decision.”

Éclair slowly leaned against Ryan’s chest and looked up at him. He shivered at her familiar touch, felt himself enraptured by those brilliant violet eyes. The woman of his dreams pressed herself so firmly against him. Everything he ever wanted out of life; all his hopes and dreams ... he saw it all reflected in those wonderful eyes of hers.

“But I trust you,” she said softly. “I trust you now more than anyone else in my life. Tell me what I should do, and I’ll do it. Tell me what I should feel ... who I should feel it for. Advise me one last time.”

She’s asking me?! Me?! thought Ryan, his mind in turmoil. Does ... does this mean she wants me to give her permission to be with Leon? Or is it something else? Could she mean...

Éclair stared up at Ryan with pleading and hopeful eyes. Ryan could have her. In that moment, he knew he could have her. But ... the slight trembling in her shoulders gave him pause. She still cared for Leon, that much was obvious. In the long run, could he really ask her to forget those feelings for the man she cared for since she came to the Fire Ministry? They had both been through something traumatic. She was feeling vulnerable. Could he live with himself if he took advantage of her like that? And most of all, Zand’s words hung in the air.

’You do not understand what it could mean for you to walk willingly down the path of a Child of Destiny. What it could cost you ... and those you love’, he remembered Zand saying. My father died because he fell in love. My mother died because she fell in love with him. If I take advantage of her now, the same thing may happen to Éclair. I can’t allow that.

Ryan wrapped an arm around Éclair’s shoulder, looking down at her tenderly. More than anything, he wanted to lean down and kiss her. He wanted to soothe her sadness away and be the only man in her life. But instead, he brushed back a strand of her hair and smiled gently.

“You should be with Leon,” he said. “He needs you more than I do right now.” He wanted to tell her why ... wanted to tell her everything that Zand told him, but he thought it might be better this way.

Éclair’s face briefly registered surprise and disappointment, her violet eyes searching his for any sign of doubt. Then she gave him a sad smile, as if he had just passed some kind of test. She said quietly, “Thank you. Thank you so much for understanding.”

Éclair leaned up and kissed Ryan deeply on his cheek. Her soft lips felt cold and warm at the same time. Ryan relished the contact and wished with all his heart that it lasted forever. Éclair then stood up and took hold of Ryan’s hand. She turned away from him, her lustrous gray and silver hair swirling elegantly behind her as she kept hold of his hand.

“You’ll stay, won’t you? You won’t leave Squad 99?”

“I’ll stay as long as you need me,” Ryan answered softly.

“Good,” she whispered. “Because I’ll never stop needing you.”

Éclair’s fingers slowly slid off his own, brushing against his hand hesitantly. Then she finally let go and left the room, her bare feet barely making a sound. Ryan watched her leave. He never thought anything could come close to the pain of losing his parents ... but this was a close second.

“And I’ll never stop loving you,” he said in a low voice when she was gone.

When Éclair had left, the door materialized behind her in a burst of flames. Ryan was alone once again. Feeling melancholy, he leaned back in his bed and cradled his head with his good arm. He noticed something out of the corner of his eye. With shock, Ryan realized that the doll he made on Black Star, Sticky, was right there on the dresser beside his hospital bed!

Zorron smiled as he watched the boy from across the void of many galaxies. Ryan had finally noticed the doll, a most considerate gift in Zorron’s opinion. The girl had just left, leaving the boy alone with his gift. No doubt he would ponder where it came from, if perhaps his female friend left it there for sentimental reasons. But Zanderius would know where it came from. In fact, it was more for his sake than the boy’s. A little intrigue to keep him guessing on Zorron’s intentions. Truthfully, the doll served as more of a prank than anything else, but most every move in this game was psychological, and Zanderius would not take the jest lightly.

“Pleasant dreams, my dear boy,” said Zorron with a wave of his black-scaled hand. “Until our next excursion.”