Copyright© 2020 by Lazlo Zalezac
Holding hands, Sean and Suzie entered the police offices located in the municipal building. The main door led them to a small waiting room. There was a little booth at the far wall with a woman seated inside it. Next to the booth was a door with an electronic lock. The door led to the actual offices used by the police. Sean stepped up to the booth and said, “Hello.”
“You must be the Michaels boy,” the woman said. There wasn’t much going on except for the two women being held in the jail cell.
“Yes,” Sean answered.
“Are you here to pick up your mother?” the woman asked. She couldn’t wait for six o’clock to arrive so that she could head home.
“What are my options?” Sean asked. Suzie hit his arm.
“Do I have to take her home with me or can I leave her here?” Sean asked.
The woman frowned and then answered, “You should take her home.”
“Then I guess I’m here to pick her up,” Sean said.
The woman hit a button and the door started buzzing. She said, “Go on through. The Chief is waiting for you.”
“Thank you,” Sean said.
Sean and Suzie went through the door. Chief Fastman was seated at his desk with his hands laced behind his head. Lily was on the chair next to his desk merrily licking a sucker. She was swinging her legs back and forth. She waved to Sean when he entered the room. Sean waved back to her.
The single cell at the far end of the room held his mother and Mrs. Emery. Mrs. Emery was standing near the cell door looking pretty miserable. His mother was on the bed trying to hum some tune that was appropriate for prison. Since she didn’t know any prison songs, she was butchering the song — Home On the Range.
The pair of young adults walked over to the chief’s desk. Sean said, “We’re here to bail out our mothers.”
“I’ve been expecting you,” Chief Fastman said thinking that taking care of this would take only a few minutes. He looked back at the cell and said, “Those two desperados have been a lot quieter this visit than the last time they were here.”
“I’m glad to hear that,” Sean said. He asked, “What did they do?”
“They tried to sneak into the theater to watch a James Bond film. The owner tried to keep them out, but they tried to force their way in anyway. The owner of the theater wanted them charged with assault with a deadly weapon, but the judge dismissed that charge. He said that silly string wasn’t a deadly weapon. All we got them on was disturbing the peace and trespassing,” Chief Fastman answered.
“Silly string, huh?” Sean said. He glanced over at the cell and gave the two women disapproving looks.
In a serious tone of voice, Sean said, “There should be age limits on purchasing products like that. Of course, they could have used my little sister to front for them when they went to purchase it. Old folks have been known to do that before going on a crime spree involving juvenile products.”
“It wouldn’t surprise me,” Chief Fastman said with a smile.
“Hello, Sean,” Lily said.
“Hello, Lily. Enjoying your visit?” Sean asked.
Lily nodded her head and said, “This is the third sucker they’ve given me. This is lemon flavored. I already had cherry and grape.”
Smiling at Lily, Suzie said, “That looks really good. I could use one of those.”
Chief Fastman reached into his drawer and pulled out another sucker. He handed it to Suzie. Turning back to Sean, he said, “You know that the fine is three hundred dollars.”
Sean said, “I know. I brought the money with me.”
Sean turned towards the jail cell and shouted, “You know that this is going to come out of your allowances, don’t you?”
“Trying to teach them some responsibility?” Chief Fastman asked. He had no idea how many times he’d heard parents saying those exact words to their kids.
Nodding his head, Sean said, “I’m trying.”
“It is going to take a couple minutes to fill out the paperwork.”
“That’s okay. Take your time. It might do them some good to keep them in that cell for a little while. Maybe they’ll learn their lesson,” Sean said.
“Do you want to talk to them?” Chief Fastman asked.
“I guess I should,” Sean said with a sigh. He shook his head sadly and added, “You know how it is with these senile delinquents. You talk and you talk to them, but it is like talking to a wall. It goes in one ear and out the other. What is a child to do?”
Chief Fastman chuckled. He answered, “I don’t know.”
“We try to raise our parents right, but they just turn out bad,” Sean said shaking his head as if disgusted.
“You probably should have thrown more tantrums when you were younger,” the Chief offered.
“You might be right. Spare the tantrum and spoil the parent,” Sean said.
“That’s a good one. I’m going to have to remember that,” Chief Fastman said laughing out loud.
“You wouldn’t happen to have a relative that works over at the hardware store over in Springfield?” Sean asked.
“No,” Chief Fastman asked, “Why?”
“He kept saying that same thing to me when I was there this morning,” Sean answered.
“Sorry,” Chief Fastman said.
Sean went over to the cell and looked inside. The pair of mothers looked back at him. Shaking his head, he said, “It is hard to believe that you two are prison babes.”
“Don’t start,” his mother said.
Smiling at her, Sean said, “I’ve been raised better than that.”
His mother said, “Oh God, he’s never going to shut up.”
“Have they taken you out to work on the chain gang, yet?” Sean asked with a smile.
“No,” his mother said.
Mrs. Emery asked, “What chain gang?”
“They’ve got this swamp south of town that requires draining. There are alligators and poisonous snakes all over the place. I’ve heard that prisoners who don’t behave disappear out there all of the time. They say it is alligators, but stories suggest otherwise,” Sean said.
Listening to Sean talking, Chief Fastman looked over at him and said, “We got rid of the swamp years ago.”
“They’ve got this mine south of town that they are digging. There are giant poisonous spiders and blood sucking bats all over that mine. The deeper you go, the bigger the bats get and the thirstier they are. I’ve heard that prisoners who don’t behave disappear in there all of the time. They say it is cave-ins, but stories suggest otherwise,” Sean said.
“We closed the mine,” Chief Fastman said wondering what Sean would come up with next.
“They’ve got this road south of town that they are building. They have the women prisoners go out there in wet tee-shirts and hot pants. There are perverts and psychos out there. I’ve heard that prisoners who don’t behave disappear out there all of the time. They say that is UFOs, but the stories suggest otherwise,” Sean said.
Chief Fastman was about to say something, but Suzie winked at the Chief and said, “He’s just getting started.”
“What do the stories suggest?” his mother asked.
“They become part of the road,” Sean said.
“Steam rollers?” his mother asked.
“That’s right,” Sean said, “We’re going to miss you.”
“Why?” his mother asked.
“It is a long story filled with twists and turns of a most improbable nature. Are you sure that you want to hear it?” Sean said.
“Sure,” Mrs. Emery said. She slapped a hand over her mouth as soon as she realized what she said.
Sean said, “The owner of that theater is going to have a James Bond Festival. Not just any festival, but one that lasts three days. He’s going to show every James Bond film ever made.”
“That man is so cruel that he would do that,” his mother said.
“He’s a vile man,” Mrs. Emery said nodding her head in agreement with his mother.
“It gets worse. He’s going to invite Sean Connery, but you’ll be banned from the theater,” Sean said shaking his head.
“That won’t stop me,” his mother said.
“That’s the tragedy. In a mad fit of passion, you’ll do what you think is necessary to get into the theater. Once inside you’ll attempt to have your way with Sean Connery,” Sean said.
“What happens then?” Suzie asked.
“Unfortunately, his wife will be there and she’ll take a very dim view of my mother’s actions. Mom will be arrested for engaging in various kinds of mayhem,” Sean said.
“Mayhem,” Suzie said shaking her head. She clicked her tongue and added, “That’s terrible.”
“It would be worth it,” his mother said.
“A few minutes of bliss with Sean Connery,” Mrs. Emery said with a sigh.
“We’ll run. They’ll never find us,” his mother said.
“That is the ill founded hope of all criminals. After a nationwide man-hunt, you’ll be found and sent to jail,” Sean said.
His mother said, “Those coppers will never find me.”
Sean smiled and said, “The police won’t find you. You’ll be found by other women who are fans of Sean Connery and are angered that you got to him before them.”
“Those tramps,” Mrs. Emery said.
“They’re just jealous,” his mother said.
“Tragic,” Suzie said.
Police Chief Fastman sat back in his chair watching Sean talk to his mother. He hoped that the surveillance camera was recording the entire conversation. He was going to take it home and show it to the wife. She was a big fan of Sean Connery.
Sean said, “You’ll be sent off to work on the road.”
“Not the road!” his mother said.
“One day we’ll be driving home and when we pass mile marker one hundred, Dad will say, ‘Kids, we just drove over your mother.’ We’ll take a moment of silence and then go back to singing a Hundred Bottles of Beer On the Wall.”
Lily said, “I love that song.”
“I’m touched knowing that you’d actually stop singing for a minute in my honor,” his mother said. She acted like she was wiping tears from her eyes.
“I said a moment, not a minute,” Sean said correcting her.
“I stand corrected,” his mother said.
Sean looked over at Mrs. Emery and asked, “Has my mother started making eyes at you?”
“No,” Mrs. Emery said.