99 First Dates
Copyright© 2011 by Stultus
I was getting annoyed and discouraged enough now to want to give up. Farah told me to shut up the whining and keep trying. On the positive side, I was having a better social life than I was used to. The café betting pot was now over $5000.
63. Mademoiselle LePew - This woman who I briefly entertained for a coffee date wore so much heavy perfume that I nearly had to run for the bathroom to vomit. She was also quite a bit overweight so I suspect that she was trying to cover over some body odor problem. Frankly I had too much of a headache from the overpowering scent that I didn't much care what she was hiding.
64. Ms. Constant Texter (or more Cell Phone Shenanigans #2) – Oddly, I found this even more annoying than constant chatting on the phone. My coffee date spent the entire hour with her fingers under the table tapping away text messages and Tweeting to her friends. Why she thought I'd never notice this I'm just not sure.
I was annoyed enough about this to actually complain to her that this was extremely disrespectful to me. She suggested that I mind my own business. I then suggested that she 'lol' and 'C U L8R' to her twit Twitter friends elsewhere.
When she drove away a few minutes later she was still texting away on her phone while driving!
65. Ms. Retread - During the course of dinner with this ravishing redhead, she freely admitted that she hung out mostly with guys and that she probably had about two hundred guy 'friends'. Some were ex's, some were gay, some were guys who probably wanted to date her but became a friend while waiting their turn ... but most seemed to be just plain 'friends with benefits'. She was getting even more action without a #1 boyfriend than I was hanging out with the stripper gals!
Whatever, no thanks.
66. Das Chancellor – Right from the start of our dinner date, 'The Rule Maker' began to review my life and, for my own good, began to set up some ground rules for me. By the time the dessert had arrived I wasn't even sure if I would be permitted to go to work all alone by myself or take a shit without her express permission. Like The Commander above, if I give this woman an inch then she would take a mile, or roll her panzers right over the Polish border. She didn't like men that drank, so I made sure I kept the beers flowing.
I paid the check and told her to concentrate on raising cute little teacup poodles and clean up after their shit instead.
67. Ms. Smug Bitch – She complained nonstop, and with an insufferable smug look that I just would have loved to have slapped off of her face. She knew that she was bitchy ... and she was proud of it. She mentioned 'supply and demand' at least three times during dinner. She was certain that there weren't enough good looking non-bitchy girls to go around, so she had 'take me as I am' written all over her smug intolerable face ... but nearly everything about me needed to change.
No matter how beautiful a woman is, there is always at least one man that won't put up with her shit. If you look at listings of the fifty or one hundred most beautiful actresses and supermodels in the world, a pretty big chunk of them have been divorced already at least once ... or even multiple times. Someday even Sandra Bullock might be on the dating block once again and then she'll be all mine!
As for this particular woman – to heck with her and the horse you rode in on!
68. The Criminal Mastermind – I wondered why she wanted my home address before she agreed to meet me for a coffee date. This was so her boyfriend could try and rob my house while she knew it would be empty. He couldn't force my expensive door locks and the windows all had iron burglar bars that deterred him until my chronically nosy next door neighbor saw him called the police.
They caught him and since he had a long criminal record he in turn ratted out his girlfriend in exchange for a reduced sentence. Apparently the two of them had been running this scam for a long time.
69. The Stalking Crazy Ex – She was a frantic bundle of nerves during our dinner date, until I figured out that her crazy ex-husband was stalking her and he had even followed us here to the restaurant that night to spy on our date. I told the stalker to get lost and stay lost. He went semi-nuts and started ranting about how they were 'meant to be together' and that I was the troublemaker in their way.
My friends at the Italian restaurant had seen enough craziness and two large Mexican cooks appeared from the kitchen and they escorted the fellow out the back door and into a nice dark alley where they took out some of their own frustrations upon his soon helpless personage.
It's nice to have friends in high and low places.
Needless to say, the gal and I didn't hit it off. She apparently liked the stalking drama and the two of them soon reunited for the seventh or eighth time.
70. The Legal Eagle – This coffee date was with an attorney that had her own very successful practice. She was quite a nice and pretty lady but during the course of dinner, I discovered that her electricity had been cut off twice this year. Not because she couldn't afford it but because she always forgot to pay it. She was a smart girl, but she lived her life with blinders on focused only on big-picture items and never any of life's small details. Apparently she had a staff that handled that sort of mundane stuff for her.
That level of absent-mindedness does not make for a good life partner.
71. Church Lady #2 – This harridan was seriously hardcore Christian Taliban from a cult that disapproved of nearly technological or social advancement of the twentieth century, let alone the twenty-first. She wore a granny style dress that buttoned up tight to her neck and didn't expose an inch of wickedly sinful skin below her face. She also apparently went to church at least three times a week and disapproved of nearly everything, such as electricity, mechanical works, science or even medicine as all being absolutely the work of Satan.
I then suggested to her that my Norse God Thor was far mightier than her wimpy Mediterranean middle-eastern God. My God had a hammer ... and hers got nailed onto a cross. I laughed evilly while she tried to bludgeon the devil out of me with her ever-present bible.
72. The High School Counselor – It was clearly obvious that she hated her job, if not her entire life so far to date. When I asked her where she hoped to be in a year, she was pretty specific. In a year she hoped to be married and raising kids at home (which implied that if she wasn't pregnant already, she fully expected to become so rather soon).
73. The Doormat – Every single little thing about her screamed 'Danger Will Robinson!' She had the crazy ... but she was smart and good enough at conversation to keep most of it hidden, until for some reason the conversation turned to sex. She was then quite brutally frank and honest – she liked it very hard and rough. So did I sometimes, but not as hard and rough as she apparently did. I think she was looking for a brutal Master to completely submit herself to.
Interesting, but not quite my cup of tea. While I enjoy a woman who can be a bit submissive in bed, I'm not looking for a human punching bag who fondly dreams about violent rape fantasies.
She was quite willing to submit herself to me as my abjectly obedient whimpering slave until I started mentioning my love for knives and blood, and how her black dress would look really nice on my bedroom floor, covered in blood, and marked Prosecution Exhibit #A.
Apparently she did have a few remaining limitations.
74. Ms. Entrepreneur – Save yourself some time and expense and don't try to date any woman who runs her own mid to large sized business, because that's all she cares about or has time for. If you do get involved, it becomes just like being another employee, except without the paycheck, benefits and fixed hours.
We talked a lot of shop over coffee, but neither of us was going to close our own business to help with our spouses, if we married. Her work hours actually exceeded mine! She took no vacations, and only rarely took any days or evenings off. She often worked on the books most nights until midnight. What was the point of dating? She didn't have any room left in her life for a husband.
I told her that was ok; I had my World of Warcraft addiction to now keep me busy. I'm not sure she realized that this wasn't quite a joke.
75. The Skank – Like the sexually liberal gal I dated earlier who was the town bike, this particular skank was a girl who had slept with at least three of or more different guys in just the last week alone without any protection. Recently she thought she was pregnant and didn't know or have a clue who the father might be. Then after later realizing she wasn't pregnant, she still continued being a whore and sleep slept with another five different guys the following week. Really, she thought this story was funny! She also seemed to have the local Planned Parenthood abortion clinic on speed dial for handling her regular succession of 'unexpected incidents'.
She didn't really date much, but she had her own stool at the bar of the local Holiday Inn where she spent almost every evening cruising for strangers for yet another one night stand. She didn't really want a husband, she just seemed to want a different nameless stranger to use her nearly every night to give her pathetic life some sort of validation.
By now the local café betting was at a complete frenzy. The jackpot was alleged up to over ten grand now. Farah went and bought a 'Now Serving # xx' electronic sign so that my unbelievable string of dating failures could be clearly noted, even to cars passing by.
I was occasionally meeting an interesting woman, but never one that I would want to spend the rest of my life with. I was becoming jumpier than a jackrabbit and getting increasingly quick to pull the trigger early to quit on bad dates, which kept coming in droves.
76. The Skunk – When she kissed me goodnight her breath stunk worse than a feral mutt. The rest of her hygiene didn't seem quite top notch either. No, she wasn't particularly height/weight proportional.
77. The Nympho Slut – While on the second date that I had with a lady not much younger than I was, she took me home to show me some home movies. These 'movies' were ones that she had made in the bedroom with her various guy and girl friends. This was a bit disturbing for an early date, but it was definitely hot!
While showing off her homemade amateur porn collection we ended up screwing on the sofa. Of course she taped us, as I realized later. I found out later she had hundreds of different recordings, most now on DVD but many older ones were still on VHS. Apparently normal sex wasn't real and exciting enough for her unless she could record it and then later watch it over, again and again.
She wanted more from me than any one man could ever give. I got the idea that she had a rotating stable of men that attempted to attend to her near endless needs. I never saw any of them, but her bed sheets stayed pretty warm and the men came and went in some sort of carefully choreographed stage production so that our paths didn't cross.
Like the Swinger gal, this babe of a lady wasn't quite ready to settle down into mundane married life just yet. That didn't stop me from banging her like a cheap drum for the next month until I found a tactful way to end the relationship. She then promised me a threesome with an old college roommate, but I'd had enough of that from the Stripper ladies.
78. Ms. Bullshitter – She tried hard to pretend that she was smart ... but she wasn't. Her only real knowledge of world affairs came from the National Enquirer.
While I really did want a smart woman to be my wife, I could have possibly tolerated her room temperature IQ. I just didn't like her well ingrained habit of making shit up right and left.
79. The Goddess – She was gorgeous and WAY out of my league – she came across as being intelligent, articulate, well-educated, and down to Earth. She was a natural beauty and smoking hot looking with a luxurious, flowing red mane and flawless pale alabaster skin. She was a senior marketing executive from a top name brand corporation and she probably earned more in a week than I did in a year.
I wanted and absolutely lusted after her in every possible way. I invited her right away to a second dinner date but she smiled and sadly shook her head no before kissing me on the cheek goodbye. I didn't wash that side of my face for a week.
80. Ms. Calculating Drunk – This one was a circus from the very start. She very most definitely wanted the dinner date, but she had arrived at the restaurant nearly a full hour early and made a good head start at the bar. Her bar tab, which was already impressive, somehow now magically appeared onto my dinner check. I paid it, very grudgingly.
She then suggested that we move back to the bar for a few more drinks; I agreed, but I clearly used the phrase 'separate tabs' to the bartender. My cunning and conniving alcoholic partner didn't seem to notice so I reminded the bartender (with a loud stage whisper) a few drinks later. She still didn't notice. I nursed three glasses of red wine while she took an extravagant tour of the world's top shelf liquors.
I paid off the bartender with a pair of twenties for my own fifteen dollar tab and whispered that he might have a problem collecting the payment for my former dinner partner's bar tab. Then I took a good long healthy break in the restroom that took at least half an hour. Once I heard the loud yelling and screaming reach a fever pitch, I snuck a peak around the corner to watch the fun. As I figured, she couldn't pay her tab. Her three credit cards were all rejected in turn, and one was so overdue for late payment that the credit card machine signaled the bartender to seize and keep that card.
Eventually the police were called and Ms. Calculating Drunk was hauled off to jail for theft, the non-payment of a nearly five hundred dollar bar bill.
Being a softy, I did reluctantly pay her tab after she had been hauled off to jail, but told my friend Antonio the restaurant owner to keep this payment on the down-low and take her to court if necessary for her payment. I wanted to teach her a good lesson. She did eventually pay, about nine months later. Did she learn anything from the experience? Who knows ... I certainly didn't care.
81. Drunky McSmokestack – Two wild uncontrollable drunks in a row? Yep, it happened. One of my cousins called me and said he set me up with an older friend of the young woman he was dating. They had decided on a nice steak house and we all agreed that we would all 'go dutch', everyone on their own tabs.
They all arrived at the restaurant and my first impression was, 'She could be hot, if she didn't look like she came from a trailer park'. In an insane fit of gentlemanly behavior, I offered to cover her food and just like that we were off to the races. She ordered three appetizers, all for herself, and one of the bigger steak meals and about five mixed drinks throughout the meal. There was never a moment when she wasn't smoking.
After the meal she wanted to go to the bar and started ordering more drinks; she was already pretty drunk by this point. She then started loudly telling the strangers at the bar how she was would going to make me a very happy man later on that night and how I wouldn't be able to walk the next day.
The woman sitting at the table next to me said that it sounded like I was in for an 'awesome night' and laughed. She was alone, prettier and sober.
"Not a chance in seven hells. She's strictly trailer park and I can't wait to get out of here, without her!" I said. I then paid 'my' tab and told the bartender that my chain-smoking friend was on her own, and then I left to go dancing with my new found friend.
My cousin and his date got Drunky back home more or less in one piece. He tried about a week later to set me up with her again and I laughed.
"Not only no, but Hell No! She smokes non-stop, drinks like a fish, and has the uncouth mouth of a Billingsgate fishmonger".
I honestly didn't know that she was right there in the next room listening! Nor did I care!
82. Yet More Talking about Ex-boyfriends – Unfortunately, my sudden dancing date from the steakhouse didn't turn out as well as I had hoped. She was still hung up on her ex and I had to hear all about it for the next four hours.
Don't bring up your ex on a first date, especially to tell us how you're still excellent friends. We guys hear, 'I'm still way into this dude, but yeah, you're, uh, pretty OK.' This is one of my #1 dating peeves! When the girl says she's still 'really good friends' with her ex, she might as well be announcing to everyone that she'd still go running back to him. And if she isn't see him on the side now, she will the first time you piss her off. No second date.
It's just courtesy. Don't talk about your ex or your boy-toys and I won't discuss my swinger date, or the amateur pornographer, or my parties with the pair of strippers. Paybacks can be hell.
83. The AA Zealot – Let me remind everyone that any and all zealots are bad news. This particular woman had just recently quit drinking, good for her ... but my glass of wine was now highly insulting to her and she harangued me about the evils of alcohol long after it became interesting or amusing. I asked her if she was late to an AA meeting and suggested she go there and stay until one of her sponsors taught her something about moderating ones own lifestyle and not starting any crusades that they couldn't win ... or at least wait until they had their one year of sobriety anniversary coin.
84. Ms. Social Butterfly #1 – She was actually far too busy to waste much time drinking coffee with me. She ran a complete nightly schedule of written appointments scheduled often weeks in advance. Her Day-Timer calendar was her bible. She volunteered for EVERYTHING at her church and her kid's school and was the 'go-to' woman for dozens of community and civic projects.
Good riddance, if she wants to be a Queen Bee she can buzz around someone else's hive.
85. Sharpie McEyebrows – This coffee date was absolutely no fun at all. She kept a constipated expression on her face the entire twenty minutes we met. Her makeup was just well ... disturbing. I suggested that she quit being a killjoy and instead she should go pluck her eyebrows into even further oblivion.
I then discovered to my horror that she had received 'permanent makeup'. In fact, her eyebrows had been permanently laser removed and replaced with a less than realistic tattoo. Same also for her overly bright eyeliner, cheek blush and lipstick.
86. Ms. Social Butterfly #2 – I wondered if she had ever met the other Social Butterfly, if so they were undoubtedly hated rivals. She also ran a complete nightly schedule of appointments scheduled often weeks in advance, but with future planned dates. Apparently, she couldn't ever tolerate being alone by herself for even a moment.
I quickly decided that the further away I kept myself from her, the better. She was showing unhealthy interest in organizing my own schedule. I told her that I was late for an amateur porno film shooting and went to go visit The Nympho Slut.
87. Miss Princess – She wanted the dinner and the full roses and violin treatment. She even expected me to pull out her chair for her. Her tiny little evening sequined clutch handbag contained only some lipstick, a little compact of coverup and a handkerchief. She acted like she was made out of porcelain, but she wasn't nearly as entertaining as a good old piece of antique Dresden fine china.
My follow-up advice for ladies that constantly act helpless, just like an anti-bellum Southern Belle straight from a plantation, is that men will see you as somebody who expects to be constantly taken care of. That may be a turn-on for some guys but it's a big turn-off for many others, like me. If you want a guy to constantly take care of you, don't be surprised when he doesn't treat you as an equal in the relationship.
88. Ms. Social Butterfly #3 – F$%k! How many of these sorts of women are out there? This busy gal always spends most of her evenings out with her girlfriends. A couple of drinks after work, bridge night, movie night, pottery class night, and art night at a gallery or museum, and of course long Friday nights at their favorite bar. It came as no surprise at all however that my usual one night a week out with the guys was going to be a big no-no for her. Go figure ... what was good for goose was apparently not at all good for the gander.
It was even less of a surprise to learn that all of her friends had multiple divorces between them. Unspoken was the impression that her own previous three failed marriages had resulted because she spent more time and emotional energy on her friends than on her husband.
Also, any group of women that hit the same bar every single Friday night are usually looking for more than some bar snacks and to pound down a few glasses of cheap Chardonnay. They apparently wanted the right to have a little fling on occasion whenever the mood suited them.
Obviously this was trouble just waiting to happen. I decided to go home alone and play my on-line game until five in the morning ... my amateur filmmaking friend and I were finally on the outs after I discovered she'd posted some of our sex videos on YouPorn.
89. Ms. Feminist Zealot – Have I mentioned how much I hate all zealots? This one was a radical liberal who blamed me as a man and my lifestyle for destroying the entire planet ... but for some reason she was convinced she could save me! She also exhibited extreme hardcore-feminist leanings that were going to be awfully hard to live with. She left the dinner table fast when I suggested the greatest punch ever thrown in professional boxing was when Mike Tyson beat-up his first wife. That was really cruel, but she was prodding on my last nerve.
Equality in a relationship is fine. One partner being just a little more equal than the other sucks, and I'm not dealing with that ever again.
90. Ms. Social Butterfly #4 – Where do all of these desperately and pathetically lonely women come from? This one usually spend two to three nights a week out doing the elite social scene with the top movers and shakers of the city. Boy was she ever disappointed that I wasn't a millionaire and didn't even have a boat, let alone a yacht.
The less I say about her cult worship of certain far, far right wing fringe politicians, the better. Also her rabid gushing about her religious cult at the prestigious First Baptist Church nearly qualified her for the Zealot of the Year award ... until I met a woman even crazier a few weeks later on.
91. The Freak – This poor gal actually made The Doormat look sane and well-adjusted. Really!
Trust me. I don't want to hear about your love for autoerotic sexual role-playing games, like being fake raped and nearly (but not quite) strangled to death with your own pantyhose. The fact that you need sharp intense pain in order to achieve orgasm is not first date material, even for me!
I decided to reuse the line about her bloody dress being marked Exhibit A on my bedroom floor, but it didn't frighten her off in the least. I then ran for Farah's help in getting this poor woman out of our café and well out of my life.
Alarmingly, I had at least three friends push me rather hard for her name and phone number. I didn't give it to them ... I really didn't want to hear about any more details of her extreme lifestyle.